Friday, December 26, 2008

Does the P in OPEC Stand For Pedophile?

So, a Saudi judge has upheld as legal the marriage of an EIGHT YEAR OLD girl, arranged by her father to settle his debts. The judge asked (ASKED?) that the “husband” not consummate the marriage until the girl had reached puberty.

Now, I know we are dealing with an archaic society and one deeply rooted in Islam. But where the fuck are the Christians and the moral outrage? You know, the ones who piss and moan about every little thing in the US that offends them? The ones who currently work at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue?

Where are the gay marriage opponents? Hey Mormons? Any comment from the cheap seats? Where are the folks who loooooove to trot out the word “pedophilia” as often as possible?

Speaking of which, does that word crop up in your conversations very often? Me neither. Yet somehow, the fundamentals seem to bring it up constantly. Maybe because they’re fighting off their own demons. Who knows?

Anyway, I’m sure there is plenty of moral outrage over this little girl’s “marriage.” But you’d have to get through the oil slick to find it.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like . . .

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or Bah Humbug, depending on which you celebrate. Having attended to all my holiday shopping early, allowing me more time to eat all those baked goods people are giving as gifts this year (okay, seriously, this is one aspect of the economic downturn I AM ALL ABOUT!!) If everybody gave me cookies every year for Christmas, I would be happier than Mary was the day Jesus left home for Carpentry School. (No offense to the D’Arimethea’s, but honestly, can you imagine what a difficult teenager He must have been?)

But I digress.

Thinking that I had outsmarted the hordes, I gloated over the fact that I didn’t have to “get out in it” as we said growing up in East Texas. I didn’t have to go to any stores or deal with last-minute shoppers. Of course, I was naïve.

And on one of these (DANG IT) trips, I noticed an interesting phenomenon: people wouldn’t STOP shopping. As I waited in the check-out line, writ longer by the lack of cashiers (must have been laid off) I watched person after person leave the register to “run back for just one thing.” Again and again.

Me? I had house keys. FIVE FREAKIN’ HOUSE KEYS. Copies I’d had made because I can’t ever keep track of who all I’ve given keys to my house. Safety first! Right?

So, there I stand with my five house keys. Waiting while Gumby and Pokey add to their pile, and my frustration, one . . . item . . . at . . . a . . . time. Lovely.

I chose to imbue myself with the spirit of the season, blessing one and all in my own special way. OH, and I found the coolest plastic dishwashing brush while I was waiting in line. See-through with chartreuse bristles. I almost left the register to go back and get matching Playtex gloves, but I couldn’t decide if a contrasting color would be more appropriate.

I love Christmas!!

Monday, December 8, 2008

What’s Older Than a Cougar?

So, I read today that a SEVENTY YEAR OLD woman in India has given birth to her first child. I’m assuming they don’t mean she’s planning more, but rather hadn’t managed, what with her busy schedule banging laundry on the rocks of the Ganges, to squeeze one out up until now. She is being heralded as the oldest birth mother ever. Uh . . . ya think?

Wow. I’m practically speechless. I guess my first question would be, “WHY?!?!?!” I mean, why would you want to have a child at that age. It’s not like there’s a population shortfall in the region. And surely to Pete you’d gotten used to that infernal ticking noise by now. Did she just get a wild hair late in life? Go bungee jumping. Eat meat. Peel the dot off your forehead.

Of course, maybe she had really sweet reasons. Maybe she just always wanted to leave something to live on after her. Or maybe she just needed somebody to fetch her Depends and denture cream. When you think about it, they’re probably going to be changing each other’s diapers. Another first!

And I don’t even want to think about breast-feeding. The only picture that comes to mind is that old lady cartoon from my dad’s Playboy magazines. Shudder.

On the other hand, having a little one around to care for might actually lengthen her life. And she probably won’t be alive to endure the dreaded teenage years. Hmmm. Maybe she’s on to something.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Industrial Tween/Whore Complex

That shrieking sound you hear? Thousands of tween-age girls mourning the loss of Club Libby Lu. Saks announced this week that they are closing all 98 outlets.

WTF is Club Libby Lu, you ask? Don’t feel like the Lone Ranger. I had no clue either. Apparently, it is a Hannah Montana-inspired (but not branded) store, where pre-pubescent girls go to play dress up. In tight pants, glittery tube tops, boas, wigs and fake tattoos. It’s supposed to make them look like pop stars and models.

So why do I keep conjuring up an image of Brooke Shields in Pretty Baby?

And what’s with that name? Club Libby Lu? Where the fuck did that come from? Maybe it was the name of the Marketing Director at Saks' first hooker. And he wanted to share that joy with all the aspiring little hookers in the world. (I wonder if they had fake street corner sets? Little boys could drive up on big wheels . . .)

Now, sadly, the little hooker wannabes will have to find somewhere else to air their dreams. Anyone smell a niche? Maybe we should all get together, pool our money and open a new chain called Work It Girl!

Until then, be extra gentle with the grieving tweens in your life. “Now Joe Jonas will never look at my nubbins,” they’re probably thinking.

Keep your chin up, young one. It’s small consolation, I know, but glitter looks so pretty mixed with tears.

Monday, December 1, 2008

December is Dumb-Down Month

You know, it’s my own fault. I should never complain about radio “personalities” and their lack of basic knowledge and sense. I mean, there’s always NPR right? But it’s my own sickness, I guess. Listening to NPR makes me think of being driving in an old pickup truck on a winter’s day, with that nasty heater on full-blast, the air a stale mixture of tobacco smoke and what is probably a small leak in the fuel line. We’re driving through West Texas and that woman on the radio is DRONING. There’s no other word for how they talk on NPR. They drone. And for some reason, I immediately get a headache and fall asleep.

But that’s not my point. This morning I was listening to a radio show that apparently includes the dumbest young woman on the planet. They were talking about Rickrolling, and this lass was completely unaware of the concept, of Rick Astley, even of the song, “Never Gonna Give You Up.” Not such a huge loss, but the main talent began probing, asking about her musical knowledge. NADA. As they talked more, they began chiding her about never actually knowing anything they’re talking about on the show, and being blissfully happy in her ignorance.

“Do you know ANYTHING?” they asked.

“ I know how to say ‘hello’ in five languages,” she chirped. Three languages and a bunch of “Oh my God, I can’t believe I can’t remember” later, I officially declared her the dumbest person on the planet. The two languages she thought she knew were Portuguese and Hungarian. She managed English, Spanish and Korean. Although the English word for “hello” is apparently, “hi.” I know, same diff, but it cracked me up all the same. She claimed that the pressure was just too much when people asked her questions. “That’s why I didn’t do very good in school.”

No, honey, the reason you didn’t do very “good” in school is because you’re dumb as a pile of hair.

The icing? When she said that all the stuff they were talking about was “in the past” therefore making it irrelevant and not important to know. Apparently she couldn’t take Hungarian and History because they don’t allow you to repeat the alphabet.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Out of Step

I don’t dance in public anymore. Okay, maybe every once in a RARE while, when I’m out of town, out past my bedtime and liquored up real good. Why? Because I think there is an age-appropriateness to getting down.

When I was a young club kid, I could do all the dances of the day (no, motherfucker, NOT the Lindy Hop.) People would actually complement me on my moves. But that type of dancing lives in a certain age. And the minute you step on a dance floor and start partying like it’s 1999, well . . . you just look stupid.

I made this admittedly ridiculous policy after seeing one of my dear friends, an incredibly handsome, together man hit the floor. Being a few years older than me, I was shocked to see the 70’s sensibilities in his moves. He went from being this tres cool guy to being a geek in about 9 seconds flat.

Lately, though, I’ve been dancing around the house a lot. My beloved and I spent the better part of an evening and a good bottle of tequila bouncing around the living room to John Legend and Andre 3000’s infectious new groove, “Green Light.” It was so much fun, I was actually considering lifting my ban.

Then I saw a commercial for Prilosec, which featured a woman who looked older than me, but probably wasn’t, dancing in a club while talking about not letting her heartburn slow her down. She was on beat, but horribly dated in her moves. She punctuated the spot—and reinforced my discomfort—by waggling one finger in the air. Apparently, “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy” was the scratch track for this spot. Shudder.

Now, had the scene been a party full of old people, this might not have been so bad. But she was in a CLUB. Shouldn’t oughta be no cougars in da club. In addition to being a less-than-fresh dancer, she just reminded me of that divorcee who trolls the nightspots trying to snare a piece of her lost youth via some hot young thang. Now before you go calling me sexist, this rule should apply EQUALLY. I don’t want to see some forty-something giving himself arthritis trying to keep up some perky titties on the dance floor either.

Maybe we should all try ballroom? God, I feel old all of a sudden.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Gettin' Drunk and Cleanin' Muh Guns

Living in Texas, “the right to keep and bear arms” is imprinted on your birth certificate. I grew up in a gun-filled household. I fired my first shot before I was in junior high, owned my first gun (a “starter” .22 rifle) and killed my first deer before I was a teenager. So, I’m not coming at this from a place of ignorance.

But I still don’t get it. Sure, hunting is a “sport” and I appreciate that. I acknowledge that it’s not my thing, but if it’s yours, that’s cool. But then we get into the discussion of handguns. In Texas we have concealed weapons permits. And the vast majority of people who apply for them are EXACTLY the people I would prefer NOT have a gun should a “disagreement” occur. I know you SAY it’s for self-defense, but I just don’t really see a whole lot of evidence that it’s a good thing.

So you can imagine the head shaking going on in my house when I read about the Washington State man who shot and killed his 6-year-old daughter, Stormy, while cleaning his pistol. After drinking double shots of vodka all evening.

I’m sorry, can you run that by me one more time? You were cleaning your fucking guns and decided that “drunk” was probably the best condition to be in? I’m truly sorry that gun wasn’t pointing in the opposite direction.

To make matters worse, he had asked Stormy to bring him the .45 and he guessed he “must have pulled the trigger” and the girl “fell down.” Ya think?

His attorney actually argued for bail, saying that her client wasn’t a flight risk. Excuse me? When your home is on wheels, doesn’t that automatically make you a flight risk?

Of course, I’m sure the jury will be swayed by his grief at “losing” his child. And while I think this fellow is a perfect candidate for the death penalty (c’mon, it’s a 4-fer: killer, idiot, gun owner, bad child namer), maybe they should just cut his balls off. At least that way he wouldn’t be able to create another child he might potentially shoot or give a cripplingly white trash name to. I mean, there’s nothing in the constitution about the right to keep and bear children, is there?

Monday, November 17, 2008

Sea Foam the Greek

We didn’t know what her name was. So we just called her “Sea Foam the Greek.” It was easier than looking up the Greek word for “bitch.”

She was a petite woman, pretty in that hard, Eastern European way. The kind of woman who didn’t smile for fear of showing weakness. Or maybe just because nothing made her happy. Based on our experiences, I’m voting for the latter.

See, four friends of the amazing Fink went to tennis camp in Florida this past weekend. We were celebrating his birthday by chasing and hitting fuzzy green balls for five hours a day. Sounds like fun, eh? Well, IT WAS!

Seafoam had flown in from the set of The Real Housewives of Athens with her delish husband for a few days of . . . I’m not exactly sure what. She was ostensibly there to work on her tennis game. But it became very apparent, very quickly, that couldn’t POSSIBLY be the reason she’d flown all the way to Florida. First she asked to be moved out of the Russian native's class because “She couldn’t understand his English.” That put her on the court next to ours, where we got to spend half a day witnessing her Alexis Carrington Colby Dexter Etc brand bitchery first hand.

“Is it okay if I just sit out this volley drill? This isn’t my game. I don’t play the net,” she said condescendingly.

Hunh?!?! Lady, you’re no Elena Dementieva. Hell, you’re not even an Eleni Daniilidou. You’re a country club hack AT BEST. You don’t have a “game.” Shut the hell up and hit the ball.

That’s what I would have said.

But her instructor was perfectly happy to let her plop her bony ass on the sidelines. We were all atwitter at her behavior, but she was just getting started. The drills confused her. The Jamaican instructor’s English (that lovely island sing-song patois) was “too fast” even though Missy spoke pretty much accent-free herself. She would walk off the court without warning. She pouted. She fumed. She was constantly spreading her arms wide in a gesture that immediately calls to mind a cornpone dickhead saying “you want a piece of me?” or Diana Ross in concert.

We spent the entire afternoon and evening talking about Sea Foam. And what her adorable husband could possibly see in her. We even started a pool to guess what color she’d be wearing on day two. “Coral,” my Beloved said emphatically. “Definitely coral.”

Day Two came and we dragged our weary asses to the tennis courts. As we’re going through our warm-up jog, we spot her. “CORAL!!” Shouted my Beloved. The five of us burst out laughing. For there she was, in full coral ensemble.

Apparently, in the gated communities on the outskirts of Athens, 90’s pastels are making a HUGE comeback.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Surely at Least One K Stands for Kracker?

I know you’ve all been waiting for the latest installment of KKK news, right? Well, one faction is being sued in Kentucky court by a Panamanian man who was attacked by two of their members. The point of the suit is to bankrupt this cell and force them out of business.

I, for one, am still a little shocked that the KKK still exists. (I wonder if that particular brand of retardation could be cured by stem cell research?) Of course, I could jump back on my soap box about education funding in this country. As if the recent Republican presidential campaign doesn’t deserve it’s own PSA for retardation. By the way, I LOVE the word “retarded.” I know it’s not PC, but I don’t really give a fuck anymore. The literal definition of retarded is “delayed or held back in terms of progress, development or accomplishment.” By that definition, the Republicans and the Klan are RETARDED! Maybe they should give THEM their own Olympics.

They could have events like effigy building, cross burning, dangling participles, fear tactics, misquoting Jesus. I’m not sure what they’d have for the Klan.

But I digress. A few points for your mid week amusement about these Klansmen.

The two men on trial: “Imperial Wizard” Ron Edwards (sounds like a Harry Potter reject) and “Grand Titan” Jarred Hensley. Sadly, there appear to be no Poobahs in the Klan.

Two others settled out of court: “Exalted Cyclops” Joshua Cowles and “Imperial Gothi” Andrew Watkins. Okay, I’m nearly peeing myself over these titles. They sound like something you’d see scratched on a junior high boy’s book cover.


I-Wiz Edwards is, you guessed it, defending himself. And he plans to “prove that I teach them not to go out and commit violence.” Perhaps he thinks one of those K’s stands for Krishna? Or maybe he left his eighth grade diploma in his other white robe.

And speaking of their costumes, why is it that their pointy white hats resemble nothing more than dunces caps? Oh, yeah. Never mind.

In a related, but wholly symbolic gesture, I think I’ll go change my sheets now.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Hope Wins. Hope Chest Loses.

So the last week has been amazing. I never thought I’d see someone as partisan as Elizabeth Hasselbeck of The View give a sincere endorsement of President-Elect Obama. I can only hope that the goodwill continues, but I know it won’t. Opposition parties but snarkiness at the top of their daily to-do lists.

My joy at Obama’s election was tempered by the bans on gay marriage that were passed in three states. Florida and Arizona were expected to pass by significant margins, and they did. So, while I was disappointed, I was not surprised. California on the other hand, caught me off guard. I knew that polling showed the race was tight, but I was optimistic that a state as progressive as Cali would come through.

And may I say that I’m shocked that a constitution can be amended by such a simple majority (pun intended). Whatever happened to 2/3 majority? 52% to 49% doesn’t seem to be a clear mandate.

There has been lots of finger-pointing at the Christian conservatives, especially the Mormons, who pumped a significant amount of pristine Utah money into the California battle. (I loved the protestors sign that said “You want two wives. I want ONE husband.)

Again, though, what do you expect from Mormons?

But my biggest disappoint was with African-Americans. Overall, the percentage of African-Americans who voted FOR Obama (and change), but voted AGAINST gay marriage was somewhere in the neighborhood of 70%. So essentially, they were the swing vote.

There has long been a discussion in the gay community about the lack of support from the African-American community. The logic goes along the lines of “since they experienced the worst discrimination this country has ever seen, and fought so hard for their civil rights, surely they’ll overcome their own prejudices and support civil rights for all.”

And while that may seem logical to us, it’s completely illogical to the African-American community, whose religiosity insists that gay is evil and sinful.

Now, I do think that the battle is actually going to be won, and sooner than later. I think that gays and lesbians will get the same civil rights as other taxpayers, because ultimately, this isn’t a religious issue, it’s a civil one.

Which brings me to the obvious solution: Eliminate marriage altogether. Drastic, you say? Not really. I’m just talking about the government institution. Make it like many other countries, where you have a civil ceremony, which grants you the rights and appurtenances under the law. Then make marriage solely a religious ceremony, with no legal standing.

So, if you want to legally commit to another person, go to the courthouse. Then if you want to get “married,” go to church.

Since most people’s objections revolve around the religious aspects, make it okay for THEIR church to make their own decisions about who they will and will not marry. End of debate, right?

I mean it’s always struck me as a little odd that a minister/priest/preacher says at the end of the wedding ceremony, “Now, by the power vested in me by the state of . . .” Excuse me? Does that strike anyone else as a very blurry separation of church and state? Should religious officiants be “vested” with power by the state?

I have to say, I loved when President-elect Obama included “gay” in his list of Americans during his acceptance speech. Let’s hope that HIS acceptance will lead to acceptance by an even wider constituency.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Evil on a Tuesday

Last night, I was talking to one of my favorite peeps, the lovely Miss Baker. We were discussing the state of the union and how nervous we are about today’s election. While we feel cautiously optimistic about Senator Obama’s chances, we also remember quite vividly that Al Gore had the same lead in the polls going into HIS election day. And look what happened there.

During the conversation, I remarked at how sad it was that Obama’s grandmother had died just one day before the election, and how nice it would have been for her to see her grandchild elected President. Then, being the snarky bitch I am, I said, “You know, I bet his grandmother actually died two weeks ago.” Miss B, who has known me plenty long enough to know I was kidding, gave me an encouraging laugh. I continued, “ I mean, that was probably her funeral he went to and now they’re trotting it out the day before, for sympathy votes.”

Miss B reminded me for the umpteenth time just how wrong I am (in the head). I retorted that Karl Rove would have done it on the Republican side, and we agreed that it was a Rove-type thang. Getting more serious, I said, “You know, there is probably some fucking right wing site out there that will actually accuse Obama of doing this.” I didn’t really believe it. Too callous, even for the wingnuts.

So, what do I find this morning during my daily internet surf? Free Republic actually theorizing this very thing. And their comment section? RIPPING them to shreds. Calling them un-Christian and saying they’ve gone too far. And these are the right wingnuts, people!!

And that’s when I knew that we were going to win today.

Obamanos!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Every Day Is Opposites Day

I have been rendered speechless and numb by the ongoing ludicrosity that is the Republican Campaign for Any Elected Office. The only way I’m able to make sense of it is to assume it’s “opposites day” and that every fucking thing that comes out of a Republican’s mouth must actually MEAN the opposite.

“Country First” sounds swell, but then everything the R’s say sounds a lot like “mememememememememememe.” Big Tent? As long as you’re white, at least middle class and fairly narrow in your thinking. I guess they meant “Big Tent at the country club for the big dance.”

It reminds me of something W. said back in the early days, “I’m a uniter.”

OH!! NOW I get it. You’re actually a DIVIDER!!! That would explain all the bullshit you’ve put this country through.

Remember when there were no RED states or BLUE states. There were just “states.” Actually, there were “United” states. But states now take pride on their color. Regardless of the fact that a MAJOR percentage of residents in each state actually do not vote with the majority. In Texas, generally considered a deep, deep red, we had a long stranglehold by the Democrats that was only broken about 12 years ago. Sure there was the odd Phil Gramm or Kay Bailey Hutchison, but they were the exception, not the rule.

My point is, no state is a solid color. And when we talk about it in those terms, it divides. It minimizes. It disenfranchises.

People keep telling me my vote doesn’t count here in Texas. But I call “bullshit” on that one. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if we elected another Democrat to statewide office in the next cycle—2010.

But until we start telling the stupid people to shut up, get their facts straight, and to get their “facts” from somewhere other than the Bible (in ADDITION to, people—I’m not advocating taking away your bibles) or FOX News, we’re not going to be able to have intelligent debate about the state our fair country is in and how we turn it around.

Now is not the time for narrow thinking. Now, more than ever, we need every out-of-the-box thinker imaginable stepping up to offer solutions. Or maybe we just say that George Bush’s ruination of America is “God’s will.”

Monday, October 27, 2008

Fighting With Facts

THIS is exactly what we all need to be doing whenever some dicknosed wingnut starts exposing their stupidity. How ya like us now, Mrs. Palin?

http://www.salon.com/env/feature/2008/10/27/sarah_palin_fruit_flies/

And can't you just hear her eyes rolling as she says "Paris, France?"

Todd's a Half Breed

Did ya know? Todd Palin is half-Eskimo! His busty wife said so. In her State of the Wardrobe speech, she also touched on her accessories, in her own defense.

"These are beaded earrings from Todd's mom who is a Yupik Eskimo up in Alaska, Native American, Native Alaskan." Wow, it doesn't get much more folksy than an eskimo mom-in-law who beads earrings as gifts to her MILF in law.

I wonder if Sarah and Todd rub noses when they say goodnight?

Spend, Baby, Spend!

Is Sarah Palin Giving Up Hope?

Going off script once again, Gov. Palin chose to address the controversy generated by her brand spankin’ new $150,000 designer MILF wardrobe. After being introduced by Elizabeth Hasselbeck (who, along with every other sane Republican, seems to have lost their mind in the Republican kool-aid) had this to say:

"Those clothes, they are not my property. Just like the lighting and the staging and everything else that the RNC purchased, I'm not taking them with me. I am back to wearing my own clothes from my favorite consignment shop in Anchorage, Alaska. You'd think — not that I would even have to address the issue because, as Elisabeth is suggesting, the double standard here it's — gosh, we don't even want to waste our time."

Gosh is right. But, hmmm.

“I’m not taking them with me?”

Where ya goin’ Sexy Sarah? Surely you don’t mean you’re not taking them with you to the White House—which is probably where you think you and Todd will be living with your war hero son, your baby licking daughter, your “preacher’s daughter” daughter, her baby daddy, her unborn bastard child and the little one who’s “not quite right.” They probably forgot to tell you that you’ll live at the Naval Observatory. Probably figured it was moot anyway.

But if you WERE elected, I’m betting big bucks we’d see you in those clothes in again. But from the tone and language you were using, “Back to wearing my own clothes from my favorite consignment shop in Anchorage,” it sounds to me like you’re ready to get home.

Well, I’m all for getting you back to Alaska just as soon as possible. In fact, I’m betting you can go ahead and book that plane ticket for next week. But the really sad part here is how much ALL of this rings false.

You say you’re a woman of the people, a woman of principle. Then why the hell did you let them put you in them fancy duds? I’m not unfamiliar with Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue or any other major designer slinging haberdashery (there is, after all, a retail merit badge in Gay Scouts), but I’m also familiar with lots and lots of fine department stores where you’d be hard-pressed to spend the kind of money they dropped on you. But it’s hard to balance being the vice-figurehead of a party that used to be run by the richies and now is the party of the crazies. And there just aren’t enough richie crazies to create ANY sort of consistency.

On the other hand, a CONSIGNMENT SHOP?!?!?! Really? As the Governor, I’m not sure you ought to be wearing left over mukluks. Unless, of course, THAT is the image you’re trying to project for that big ol’ state a yours.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Walk/Don't Walk. TACO!

I had my taco redux this morning. Last week, I was supposed to meet a new business prospect, but he stood me up. We rescheduled for this morning. He almost stood me up again. But I was prepared. I brought his cell number. YUM, it shall be.

But the stupid thing was that I decided to approach my favorite dive taqueria via the Drag. For those of you unfamiliar with Austin, the Drag is the stretch of Guadalupe Street that runs along the edge of the University of Texas. There is one critical intersection where hundreds of students cross the street to get to campus. The geniuses at traffic control have set it up where the “walk” sign goes on for a while (effectively eliminating the opportunity to turn right. It then turns “don’t walk” to give the cars a chance to move, as well. And apparently there are LOTS of kids who actually GO to their 8 a.m. classes. Who knew?!?!?

Of couse, there is ALWAYS some stupid motherfucker who thinks (s)he will just go ahead and cross against the light, since getting to class is obviously more important than letting this fucking enormous line of traffic move. Today, it was Muffy, the OMG! girl. She had her iPod on, but I saw her cut her eyes in my direction, so she knew there were cars waiting to turn. And she blatantly continued walking into the crosswalk.
I pulled right up to her and HONKED. She, of course, jumped about a foot off the ground. It almost made up for her stupidity. I was tempted to roll down the window and scream, “Hey, dumbass! How the fuck did you manage to get into this University, when you can’t even interpret one of the most recognizable images on the EARTH?”

I mean, seriously? This University ONLY accepts students who were in the top 10% of their class. Unless, of course they showed particular prowess with an oblong leather object. (GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! I’m talking about football.)

Of course, as I drove, I realized that she wasn’t stupid. It was just another blatant example of the level of entitlement pervasive in her generation. I see it in my blood relatives. I see it in our young friends. And living a few blocks away from a major university, and four doors down from a frat house, I see it EVERY FUCKING DAY.
I start to feel a sense of doom and helplessness for future generations. Then I think of the two amazing young ‘uns my proscritos del norte have raised and I realize that it’s not flawed kids, it’s flawed parenting.
Now, if I could only figure out where the crosswalk cupcake’s parents lived . . .

Monday, October 20, 2008

In the Words of the People

What would happen if we outlawed negative campaigning? Where all a candidate could talk about was what he or she would do if elected. Then the media would do its job and actually examine the platforms for truthfulness? Might we even end up electing someone we knew a lot about?

No shocker here that AOTSP is endorsing Obama for President. What you might find shocking is that I didn’t always think John McCain was a bad man. I do now. I believe he has sold his soul to the devil (aka the “Christian” right) and has allowed his ambition to corrupt his morals. You see it every time he has to say something negative about a man he actually admires. You can see his soul searing a bit when one of his avid supporters (or even his running mate) calls Obama a “terrorist,” or “Arab,” or “unpratriotic.”

The last one bothers me the most, ironically. I can’t think of many acts MORE patriotic than running for President. Sure it’s the biggest ego boost on the planet, but the level of sacrifice is enormous. Even dipshits like GWB go into it with good intentions, however wrongheaded we might think them.

I’ve seen a lot of video over the last couple of weeks. I’ve watched a lot of salacious, fear-mongering punditry. But what I have been absolutely floored by are the comments from regular people. Here is just a sampling of some of the things I’ve heard.

These from a Palin rally in Ohio:

An older white woman, seriously undereducated based on her beady little eyes (necessary to maintain her narrow mindedness, no doubt) and quote. “I’m afraid if he wins, the blacks will take over. He’s NOT A CHRISTIAN! This is a CHRISTIAN nation! What is our country gonna end up like?”

Or the trucker cap wearing old white dude. “When you got a niggra running for President, you need a first-stringer. He’s definitely a second-stringer.” BTW, “niggra” was the phrase that my grandparents used IN THE SIXTIES in an attempt to be less racist. Guess this old fucker’s grandparents must have used that word too.

Or the young (like, 19) man holding his newborn. “I believe Palin is filled with the Holy Spirit and she’s going to bring honesty and integrity to the White House.” Uh . . . isn’t that what GWB was supposed to do? Wasn’t he, like, the “no blow job president” or something.

Or the fat ass in the “NAVY” t-shirt, who said about Obama, “He’s related to a known terrorist, for one . . . “ Yo, fat dude, you can’t even get your smears straight.

Fat White Woman in discount store clothes: “just the whole Muslim thing and everything . . . I mean, a lot of people have forgotten about 9/11.” Based on the fit of those pants, honey, I'd say you needed to be more worried about 7-11 than 9/11.

“Obama scares me. I don’t think he likes white people.” (never mind for a moment that he was raised in an ALL WHITE household. So, he hates his Mama, his grandparents and his sister. O-kay.)

Random shout outs at McCain and/or Palin rallies:
“Traitor”
“Terrorist”
“Arab”

And also came across some random responses to Colin Powell (who I’m sure, pre-endorsement, would have been considered a first-string niggra) and his endorsement of Obama, all paraphrased:

“He only did it because he’s black.”

“Obama is a traitor, so now Powell is a traitor.”

And my favorite, “Powell himself only got where he is because of affirmative action. This is just him returning to his roots.” (Get it? “ROOTS?” You know, like Alex Haley? You know, black.)

Let’s hope that 8 years of an Obama presidency can start to cure this cancer that is eating away at our democracy from the middle out.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

You Named Your Daughter "Loser?"

So, you’re nine months pregnant. You and your hubby have picked names, after MANY hours of ridiculous back and forth. You go into labor and give birth to a beautiful baby girl, Ava Grace. Your sweet hubby goes off to fill out the paperwork and they bring the baby in for you to hold and feed. Only your sweet hubby is now a GIGANTIC DICK. See, while you were resting, he named your daughter Sarah McCain Palin.

It would be bad enough that your “partner” went behind your back. But to name the child something like that . . . don’t get it. "I don't think she believes me yet," said the brainiac dad, Mark Ciptak. "It's going to take some more convincing."

I think she’s going to need some convincing to EVER let you have sex with her again.

Mr. Ciptak (pronounced “Dipshit”—I think it’s Polish) wanted to do his part for the Republican ticket. "I took one for the cause," he said. "I can't give a lot of financial support for the (McCain/Palin) campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little." Very little indeed. I mean, this speaks VOLUMES to the type of husband and father he must be.

The saddest part is that little Sarah Dipshit’s NAME isn’t going to be her biggest challenge in life. It’s going to be her ASSHOLE father. She’ll probably end up running away to live in a lesbian commune when she’s a teenager.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Good Thing He's Not a Longhorn

As we sit amidst this maelstrom of stupidity that is the Presidential election, I haven’t felt like adding my blogging voice to the din. There is something new every day that sets the bar at a new low for these two once-well-respected Senators.

I was at least relieved that McCain verbally countered the woman who said “Obama is an Arab.” Jeebus, lady. Where did you get your limited education, Boxofrocks Elementary?

Then, today, the light returned. I saw a story that had nothing to do with politics. But DAYUM is it stupid.

The headline in USAToday read, “Lineman has pinkie amputated to keep playing.”

Having a completely clogged head (lovely Austin allergies), I thought, NO WAY did I read that right. But I did.

See, Trevor Wikre, a 21-year old senior lineman at Mesa State (NCAA Division II, mind you) in Colorado, shattered his pinkie in practice. The doctors naturally told him his season was over.

Not so fast, there, Dr. Know It All.

"I'm a senior," Wikre said. "If they put pins in there, my career was finished. I told them to just take it off. They said I was being dramatic. I said, yeah, well, losing my season is dramatic, too."

I’m sure the word they wanted to use was “melodramatic.”

Uh . . . dude . . . you play for a Division II school in western Colorado. You’re not going to have a football career. And based on your logical thinking, I’m guessing it’s going to be quite a challenge working the french fryer with a missing pinkie.

Ironically, his coach is also missing a pinkie. (What is this some sort of Mafia school?) The coach said he would have advised him to KEEP the finger and MISS the season, but Wikre acted before the coach had a chance to talk with him.

"He's pretty darn committed to this team,” the coach said. "I know where his heart is at. He's a special young man."

Yeah, but do you know where his pinkie is . . . at?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Beware the Obamaconomy

I was meeting with a client of mine yesterday (a chi chi salon and spa, which, given my bald pate, is a bit of grinner) and we got into a discussion of the economy and how best to move forward given all the doom and gloom. As you might imagine, the vast majority of the stylists and employees are liberal Democrats. But more than a fair share of the clientele is rich, Republican women.

And even they are concerned about the economy. More than one has remarked to the staff, “With the economy the way it is, if Obama is elected, I may not be able to afford to come here anymore.”

My chin hit the floor. “If Obama is elected?!?!?!?”

How is that people can be so delusional? Who the fuck do they think got us into this mess? The Democrats? It was people JUST LIKE THEM.

One of the things I used to always value about the Republican ideals was the point of fiscal conservatism. And they still act like that is a hallmark of their philosophy. But the Bush Administration has been about nothing but greed. Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money. You got to get paid to get laid” as the song from dreadful Damon Wayans movie goes.

So, here’s what I have to say. I hope Obama is elected. And he makes the rich pay their share. And I hope that Mrs. Rich can’t afford to get her hair done at my client’s salon. And I hope that she has to go to some salon in the mall, where some eye-rolling, pudgy teenager with nineteen different colors in her hair, or some tragic old queen with the shakes gets hold of her and leaves her hair looking like a bale of hay.

Work THAT in the society pages, while you’re wearing LAST YEAR’S collection.

I mean, REALLY. WHAT could be worse?!?!? Maybe your husband leaves you for a younger woman with a broader world view, buys her a big-ass HYBRID Lexus and now SHE comes to my client's salon.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

What If You Said You Were ISLANDERS! Instead

Isn’t “maverick” one of those terms that you should never use to describe yourself? It’s like saying “I’m hip and cool.” Those are descriptors that should only be used by others.

I cringe every time the McPalin’s use that word. In the latest Katie Couric frustration hour, she points out that McPalin don’t agree on drilling in ANWR. McCain says, “Well, you can’t expect two mavericks to agree all the time.”

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

It’s kind of like listening my 83 year old father talk about sex as if he’s still having any.

You can’t be a rich, white, long, long time senator in your 70’s and call yourself a maverick with a straight face. Or a gun-toting, woman-hating former beauty queen.

It’s like the two of them actually believed Steve Martin and Dan Ackroyd really WERE ‘two wild and crazy guys.”

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Bailout Memories

Back in the day, I was messy, messy, messy with my money. Part of it I blame on my parents, whom I love dearly. It pained my dear mother greatly for one of her chickens to be stressing over money, so she would send a little to bail us out, to tide us over until the next big fuck up.

I never really realized how much debt my poor mom was going into to support my bad habits (nothing like having a bar tab from your favorite haunt that exceeds your monthly income!). It never occurred to me that all she was doing was taking my stress on herself.

I still saw it as a bit of a game. Such maturity!

See, I’d never directly ask for money. I’d just sort of complain. On a good day, she’d cave immediately and ask how she could help. On a bad day, she’d make me work a little harder, which usually involved me invoking some great symbolic sacrifice she would take seriously and act to avert.

Sometimes it bordered on the ridiculous, but who was I to argue with results. But one day, everything changed. Mom grew a pair.

I called as usual to complain that I didn’t have the $200 or whatever it was that I needed. The great southern belle voice enveloped me like a warm hug. “Aw, hunnnny! Ah am so sorry to hear ‘bout tha-yat.” I smiled. This wasn’t going to be a slam dunk. We were definitely going to go the distance. “What are you going to do?”

Me: “I don’t know. Maybe turn tricks at a quarter a pop.” This was exactly the sort of extreme rhetoric tha sent her into a tizzy of concern. But apparently my mom had seen this episode already. Normally, this is where she would ask if she could send me a little something to tide me over. I was already breathing the sigh of financial relief, so her response caught me quite unawares.

“Do you have any idea how many quarters it takes to get $200?”

ARE YOU SHITTING ME? My mom just called my (lame) bluff! And I knew that I could never ask her for money again. The cord had been cut. Gently, but firmly. With love, but with conviction. I was a grown up and it was time to start acting like one. And I did.

I’m still no Ben Bernanke, but the checkbook balances at the end of each month and I spend what I can afford to spend, realistically. (Those Prada shoes are from the OUTLET people. Shut up!)

So today, I’m asking the Congress and the President, “How many quarters does it take to get $700 billion dollars?” Because I sure do sense that I’m about to get fucked.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Michael Jackson Finds New Church Home

In more SHOCKING news on the evangelical front, Evangelist Tony Alamo (again with the fucked up names. Although he was born Bernie Hoffman) was arrested in a child pornography investigation. According to CNN, he “was charged under a federal statute with having knowingly transported a minor across state lines with the intent to engage in sexual activity.”

His wife Susan (a statuesque, geriatric blonde who looks exactly like Donatella Versace will look in her dotage) is, of course, standing by her man.

That special place in Hell just got another reservation.

The Second Coming of the Taxman

This Sunday, in direct violation of a Federal rule barring non-profits (such as churches) from taking a direct role in politcs, “Christian” ministers in 22 states are going to be delivering political sermons.

They’re doing it as a way to set up a legal challenge to the actual IRS rule. The likely outcome? They’ll become taxable organizations. Works for me! Let ‘em see the flip-side of the separation of church and state. Who knows, maybe that would do away with some of these pseudo-spiritualists.

My favorite quote was from the Rev. Wiley S. Drake (why do they always have these fucked up, big-hair names?) whose fire-and-brimstone factory operates out of the First Southern Baptist Church of Buena Park (CA).

"I'm going to talk about the un-biblical stands that Barack Obama takes. Nobody who follows the Bible can vote for him," said the Wiley Reverend. "We may not be politically correct, but we are going to be biblically correct. We are going to vote for those who follow the Bible."

Using my keen powers of deduction, I can only assume they will be urging the support of John McCain. But wait? Didn’t he commit adultery on his first wife with his current wife?

Doesn’t the bible say something about that? I’m no bible scholar, but it sure seems like it does. Maybe since Cindy wasn’t technically a “neighbor” then he wasn’t really coveting his “neighbor’s wife.” I dunno.

And didn’t he dump the woman who patiently waited for him while he was incarcerated, mostly because she had been horribly disfigured in an accident, thereby rendering her less than the perfect political wife prop?

You know, come to think of it, they must be Preaching for Palin. It’s a snake-handler thing. I wouldn’t understand.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Maybe I Want to be a Quaker

My delightful sister-in-law (or “outlaw” as we have taken to calling each other) forwarded me an article about a recent incident on an Oregon college campus. Someone at George Fox University (founded by the Quakers) hung an effigy of Obama by a noose.

To make it worse, they taped a note tying it to the school’s efforts to increase minority enrollment. Believe it or not, this post is not going to talk about the stupidity, immaturity and overall wrong-ness of the perpetrator(s).

Rather, I want to share the amazing response from the college administrators.

"We absolutely cannot hate those around us and say we love God," said school president Robin Baker. "It is not possible.”

Bravo, President Baker. BRAVO!!!!

THAT is what it means to be a Christian. It’s shame that more folks who do their evil “in the name of the Lo-ward” aren’t reading from the same prayer book

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Why Doesn't Anyone Burn Their Bra Anymore?

Everyone knows I’m an award show whore. I guess I secretly fantasize that one day it will be me the orchestra “plays off” the stage. Do they even give awards for snark?

So, naturally, I tuned into the 60th Anniversary Emmys this past Sunday. During the telecast, I even spotted ThirdCoast2LeftCoast, a frequent commenter. I saw her pulling focus from Marcia Cross on the red carpet and could see her fabulous new hairdo peeking out behind Mary Louise Parker during the ceremony. Glamour galore!

My SECOND favorite part of the evening, though, was the throwback to 60’s comedy with the salute to Laugh In and the Smothers Brothers. It got me to thinking about how much more intelligent the discourse was back in those days. It made me wonder why we don’t have that sort of radical, reactionary protest movement. And then I realized. We do. But it’s the right who have become radicalized.

Think about it. Who are our most fervent protestors now? Standing outside events they morally oppose and waving placards? The right rev. Phelps and his anti-gay hatemongers. The “Christian” anti-choice activists who block abortion clinics, picket Planned Parenthood and shoot doctors who practice in such places.

It’s like they took all of our best tricks and turned them against us. Did we get complacent? Did we make such great strides in the 60’s in terms of racial and gender equality that we were able to just kick back and relax?

I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that we are in a real battle for the future of this country. Do we want to be a country that values education and diversity and a variety of points of view? Or do we want to be homogeneous in our appearance and beliefs and rigid in our points of view?

Iranian President Ahmadinejad said today that the “American empire” is nearing its end. Of course, I find Wikipedia to be a more credible source of info than this guy, but it’s a sobering thought.

We’ve gone from being the big brother/protector to being the schoolyard bully in a very short amount of time. We have lost our sophistication and leading edge. We are regressing as a country.

A local radio personality, who routinely shares her Republichristian “beliefs” and “values” was in a discussion about Gov. Palin’s 4000 year old dinosaur comments. One of her fellow DJ’s said something about carbon dating proving that there were no dinosaurs around 4000 years ago. Her response, without a trace of irony, was “Well, if you trust the science.”

I think faith is a wonderful thing. I think believing in a power greater than your self can be immensely helpful. But you cannot be so strident in your thinking that you continue to believe when there is legitimate proof that what you believe is wrong. To me, when you do that, you’re putting God in the same category as Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.

It’s time for us to put the radicals back in their cages. Or unleash our own again. I truly believe that our country cannot bear the weight of 4 more years of ignorant tyranny. Or ignorant Trannys.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Re: Crackers in Water

I almost never address the comment section of this blog. I believe that I write what I write, you say what you say--fair exchange. In fact, I think healthy debate is something that is sorely missing from the contemporary landscape. Unfortunately a couple of Anonymous posters didn't like the above referenced post. Their commentary doesn't fall into the intelligent debate camp. It falls in the name-calling, bullshit category.

And I feel compelled to respond.


Excuse me, you last anonymous motherfucker. Don't call somebody a pussy when you're too chickenshit to leave your name. If you have something intelligent to add to the conversation, please post it. I actually would be interested in your point of view. Otherwise, why not just say "nanny-nanny-boo-boo." it would be more mature than your middle-school macho posturing.

Believe me, being a FIFTH generation Texan, I know a thing or two about being embarrassed by my fellow Texans. On that we can agree.

But I must ask, if my blog offends you so much, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU READING IT? I'm sure there are plenty of bloggers who think exactly like you do.

And in case you didn't notice, this is a HUMOR site. It's not intended to be anything other than my own observations on the ridiculousness that occurs in contemporary society.

For the other anonymous commenter. Heartless? Not by a long shot. Idiot? Quite possible. Definitely on occasion. But never, ever heartless.

We live in a cult of victimization in this country. It's always someone else's fault. These "victims" failed to heed the most dire warning possible. Yet, we're supposed to feel sorry for them and their situation. Nobody "did this to them." In fact, I believe the common phrase is, "It was an act of God."

Hispanics = Tacos. Right?

So, I’m pouring my Corn Chex this morning and notice for the first time the “special promotion” on the box. Accompanying the lovely Dora the Explorer-esque illustrations of brown people in festive native garb (I shit you not, the men are wearing sarapes and sombreros) is the headline: “This Cinco de Mayo make TACO-SEASONED Chex Mix!”

And included inside is a packet of Old El Paso Taco seasoning. Maybe THAT’S why I’ve been craving a margarita for breakfast.

Seriously, though. You need to fire your Hispanic marketing people. Where were they born? Alaska?

In addition to being a ridiculously stereotypical, ignorant promotion, I don’t want to be thinking about tacos when I’m eating my cereal. I have 112 ROCKIN’ taco places within Mexican hat dancing distance of my casa. If I wanted a breakfast taco, I’d have a breakfast taco.

Gratuitous Torchy’s Shout Out!!

And the other thing? “Mayo” means “May” dumb-ass. Why are you running a “May 5th” promotion at the end of Summer. Perhaps you meant “Diez y Seis de Septiembre.”

Or why not just say, “Hey Mexicans! Check it out. It tastes like tacos.”

Maybe they could cross-promote with Tequiza. Or actually introduce themselves to a Hispanic person.

Don't Fuck With Margaret Cho

After going on the record against the Palin-tologist, Margaret Cho received an enormous backlash from the “Christian” right. Today, she took to her blog to, essentially, politely ask them to fuck themselves. I thought you might like to share the love.

Ladies and Genlemen, MARGARET CHO:

“I’m a Christian, you Fuckers. 
All kinds of Christians are getting mad about my Sarah Palin comments, and it is pissing me off.
First of all – you fucking fake Christians - don’t fucking question my Christianity. I grew up in the church. My grandfather was a minister, who is with God now and talks to me in my dreams from God’s corner office. I am a former Sunday school teacher. I taught the Bible to children and showed them how to love God and invite him into their hearts. I believe in God – but I don’t fear him. God is my best friend. God is my ally. God is my boyfriend. God is my best fag. I am God’s fag hag cuz didn’t you know, God is a big fag. Serious bottom too. Butch in the streets, femme in the sheets. That is my God. God is my biggest fan. God gets me, dude.
God wants us all to just get along. He doesn’t give a shit about the profanity. The bitch fucking invented profanity. He thinks it is hilarious. He just wants you to talk to him, and he doesn’t care what you have to say. He just wants to keep the conversation going. Like Jay-Z, he just wants to love you. He just wants you to be able to make your own decisions. God is all about you and what you need. God is happy that you are gay. God made you fucking gay cuz he thinks it is awesome. God understands if you need to have an abortion. That is why he created abortion, on the 8th day. God accepts. God forgives. God loves all of us, even though some of us might have a problem with each other.
Don’t fucking question my Christianity you fucking idiot assholes. If you continue to have a problem, then talk to God about it, not me, you fucking racist homophobic misogynist fake Christian shitheads. God thinks it is funny that I swear so much. He said I could use his name in vain or whatever. He just wants me to use it. He loves me. So fuck you. And I guess he loves you too. Even though you are fake Christian assholes. If you were truly Christians, you would let gays get married, and send them fucking presents from Bed Bath and Beyond!
If you truly believed in Jesus, you would try to be like him and love us, fags and dykes and feminists all. God bless you, even you. You fucking fuckers.”

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Crackers in Water

Frank and Deeann Sherman must be ISLANDERS!! Except they live right on the coast. With no barrier between them and the water. Probably a lovely existence.

When there isn’t a gigantic hurricane aimed at your front door.

Fortunately, the Shermans have an attic. And rather than hopping in the car and heading north, they decided to ride Ike out. (Who knows, maybe that’s been Deeann’s fantasy since the 50’s).

Now, for the play-by-play, let’s go to Deeann.

"The ocean rose up like a big hand and went through the house," said Deeann Sherman, 59. "We were in the attic 24 hours, holding on and praying. It was such a mean storm. It was the longest storm I've seen in my life."

Holding on and praying. I see. Maybe “packing up and leaving” would have been a better combo. But we’ll get to that.

Now that there’s nothing left of their belongings but some old waterlogged Elvis cassettes and a ceramic poodle lamp with oversized lips, the Shermans have decided to leave their little piece of paradise and move to the Dallas area to be closer to their kids.

"There's a passage in the Bible that says woe be to those who live on the coast," she says. "I'm going to heed that warning. … I'm leaving."

Okay Miss Vacation Bible School 1956, thank you for the delicious helping of irony. Too bad you didn’t read your bible BEFORE the “big hand” smacked your stupid ass. You know, when all of those nice folk were telling you to GET THE FUCK OUT. Maybe then you would have seen a passage about how much God wishes you had some fucking sense. Although I doubt God used that exact language.

If I were your kids, I’d leave “the Dallas area” before you got there. With no forwarding address. Stupid-ness is NOT next to Godliness. No matter how many times you practice saying it in the mirror.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Hurricane Ig

So, in spite of the fact that we were supposed to be getting some collateral damage from Hurricane Ike, the worst thing that happened in Austin was that the wind blew my toss around during my tennis match on Saturday. Oh, how I suffer.

Our neighbors to the Southeast weren’t so lucky. Although the storm didn’t hit with nearly the force or surge that was predicted. I’m still very confused by the people who chose to stay and “ride it out.” Not the least bit surprised, however, by the fact that they all sound like out-of-tune banjos. In their interviews (and OMG have they allllll been lining up to get interviewed) they really do our free public education system proud.

“When I seen the water a risin’, I realized that maybe we shudda took off.” Or, “We was gunnah leave, but my mama said she weren’t gunnah leave, so wut could I do?”

Well, I would have said, “use your brain,” but I realized you already were at full bandwidth.

My favorite was the Three Generations In a Closet. Grandma, Daddy and his darlin’ babies, slept in a closet. But only after writing their names and social security numbers on their arms with a Sharpie. So their bodies could be identified in the worst-case scenario.

See, I’m pretty sure that if it’s threatening enough to have to write your fucking SS# on your skin in indelible ink, you might’ve thought about GETTING THE FUCK OUT!!!

Instead we were treated to a gap-toothed little girl, mugging for the camera, saying, “We survived it. Cuz we’re ISLANDERS!!!

I’m hoping they’ll make a hillbilly musical out of that one.

My next favorite was the old lady who called 911. When they came to rescue her, she sent them away, saying she didn’t want to leave, she was just hungry and could they bring her some food. I wish I had been the dispatcher on duty. I would have been, like, “I’m sorry bitch. Did you think you called Pizza Hut? What? They were closed? MAYBE BECAUSE THERE WAS A FUCKING HURRICANE COMING?” Click.

I think Darwin would have even raised an eyebrow at some of these folks.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Keep Your Hands Where I Can See 'Em

I think Dan Savage should be president. His column today in the Village Voice takes on the pregnancy of Bristol Palin and the hypocrisy of her mother’s positions.

Dan says, “When it comes to respecting your family's privacy, Palin and the GOP see no need. They want to micro-manage the most intimate aspects of your private life. And if their own kids fail to live up to the standards that Palin and the GOP seek to impose on your family, well, that's a private matter between the Palins, their daughter, their God, and the thousands of screaming imbeciles in elephant hats waving McCain/Palin signs on the floor of the Republican National Convention.”

My friend (and occasional commenter) ThirdCoastToLeftCoast is visiting and we were talking about this very thing yesterday. “If the Republicans are so big on keeping government intrusion to a minimum, then why don’t they start by getting their hands of my uterus.”

I personally think ALL women should picket Republican campaign stops, carrying signs that say, “keep your hands off my hoo-ha.” The R’s LOVE euphemism.

And even though I don’t have a uterus (and never will, unless Vuitton comes out with a cute monogrammed version) I completely agree. But as is so often the case with these ridiculous Republican notions, where is the outrage people?

Why isn’t the press EXCORIATING McCain and Palin right now. All you have to do is ask yourself, “how would I cover Hillary?” And when you realize that you were NEVER afraid to whip out the elephant gun on Senator Clinton, take a look in the mirror. Why won’t you pull the trigger on Palin? Is it because you’re having adolescent sexy librarian thoughts about Governor Hockey Mom? Are you waiting for her to slide off her glasses, shake her hair loose and look at you with a sexy pout and call you a naughty boy?

Save it for after the election. Her boobs will still be there, front and center. Only she’ll be back in Alaska. And you know what cold air does to nipples, right? Huh? Now you’re feeling me.

So, see, your adolescent fantasies are much more likely to be realized if you help the public put Palin back in Alaska, where she belongs. Just in time for snowmobile racing season. And hockey games.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Smart Saturday

There is a great article on Salon.com today. The author took a job as a security specialist during the RNC and wrote about it. My favorite line comes at the end of the following passage.

"In addition to my team of black-clad officers, there are hotel security personnel, Minneapolis police, an odd guardsman, state trooper or sheriff's officer, another squad of hired officers (from a different private firm), and members of the FBI, Capitol Police (in suits) and Secret Service (in nicer suits). If you include the Evangelicals, nearly every person at the RNC headquarters has a voice whispering in his ear."

LOVES IT!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Lordy, Tell Me No!

Is Cindy McCain holding Palin's little Down's Syndrome baby, Trig? Don't you JUST KNOW the million-heiress is hissing at her aides through clenched teeth right about now. Loves!!

Whitey McWhite Said

As I’m waiting for Governor Baby Mama to speak and say something besides “World Peace. I personally believe. The Iraq and South Africa. Gridlock” then flashes a smile so toothy we’ll think she should have WON Miss Alaska (deep inhale) I slobbed through the punditry and came upon this. Some R consultant with a porn stache (uh, tom selleck called . . .) said that George W. had added to the Reagan Republican canon by being a “compassionate conservative.”

No.

He.

Di-int!

Are you fucking kidding me? Now I know why the elephant is their mascot. They have balls the size of grapefruits.

You couldn’t have bet me any amount of money that “compassionate conservative” would ever cross a human’s lips again unless it was in a Democrat attack ad.

You’re PROUD of his record of compassion?!!! That’s like saying you’re proud of Laura for not killing her self in some obscure Japanese ritual rife with symbolism about the failure of a husband martyred by a wife. I don’t know. Something like that.

Seriously, though, Bush has shown almost zero compassion towards anyone. Including Laura. His entire legacy is built on EXACTLY OPPOSITE that philosophy. He’s the cowboy. The badass. The gunslinger. He’s the dumbass frat boy. All grown up.

So, I guess the point of all this is that we cannot underestimate the Republi-cons. I’d almost forgotten that their favorite tactic is to take whatever you’ve found out about them that’s negative, then shout it to the rooftops, but saying it in an exclamatory tone and suddenly everyone believes they just did something good.

Please God. No, really.

Declaration of Independents

Senator Lieberman, may I just say this. Fuck off. How a man can go from being Al Gore’s running mate and actually elected by the general populace as Vice President of the US AS A DEMOCRAT, can hitch his wagon to the McCain Republicans is scandalous.

Is this one of those, “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” moments? And on that campaign trail eight years ago, all those things you believed about GW, all which we now know to be true, that he’s a dipshit with blindspot bigger than Texas—how have you reconciled yourself with that?

Independent, indeed!

Rich White People and Shiny Eyed Christians

So, I’ve tuned into the Republican Convention because I believe they deserve their chance to tell their side of the story. I also would love to see an actual debate on the issues, vs. a bunch of schoolyard name-calling.

And as I listened to white person after white person droning on and on about McCain’s patriotism and maverick nature, I thought “If I’m just going to be watching a bunch of rich white people, I’d rather watch the US Open.

I mean seriously, it was a SEA of whiteness. You could tell which ones were the rich ones, by their expensively tailored and well put together outfits. You could tell which ones were the evangelicals by their glassy-eyed adulation of whomever was speaking. And you could tell the racist crackers by their garishly patterned “Sunday-go-to-meetin’” clothes, coupled with their early 90’s sitcom haircuts.


Yeah, buddy. THIS is the group I want to be leading my country. Oh, yeah, one more thing . . . COUNTRY FIRST?!?!!? Are you fucking kidding me? You are the greediest, most selfish bunch of motherfuckers in HISTORY. Pillaging Romans took less from their oppressed. So unless there’s a new thesaurus that says “country” is synonymous with “me” . . . I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

Or maybe you’re just talking about Big and Rich.

TSA. The Acronym for The Stupid Asshole.

Why is it that, whenever I travel, I feel less safe going through security. It’s not that it’s not invasive enough. Please. I’m surprised they don’t ask me to turn my head and cough.

No, it’s mostly the fact that TSA agents resemble nothing more than Mall Cops to me. They are either bored out of their mind and frustrated that (after HOW MANY years?) people still can’t remember to take their fucking change out of their pockets before they go through the metal detector.

Or they are totalitarian types, exerting their meager authority at the “office” knowing that when they get home, it’s just going to be more, “yes, dear.”

I always take the “Don’t feed the bears” mentality when going through airport security. They CAN make the situation far more unbearable than it already is, so I just smile and say “yes, sir/no, sir/yes, ma’am/no, ma’am.” My mama would be proud.

Last week however, I was tested by the fellow who was barking at everyone to “please place your large bags directly on the rollers” rather than in a gray plastic bin. The first time I heard him say that was when a woman, who was obviously trying to avoid paying for checked baggage, was shoving her Samsonite through. And given the glut of larger than usual bags coming onboard, I shook my head at the state of the airline industry and felt a moment of pity for all those business flyers who have to deal with these vacationing amateurs on a daily basis.

I got to the machine and went quickly through my well-rehearsed routine. My laptop came out, my laptop bag went into a gray bin, along with my shoes and the assorted contents of my pockets.

The bins whisked away efficiently and I stepped through the detector to find a scowling TSA agent.

“Did you not hear what I said?”

“Uh . . .” Yep. I was speechless.

“I SAID put your bags directly on the rollers.”

“I’m sorry. I heard you say LARGE bags. I didn’t think mine was a LARGE bag. I apologize.”

He scowled at me again. Barely looked at my boarding pass. And waved me through. No hassle. For which I was grateful.

But SERIOUSLY? WTF? If it’s a deal, then yank the fucking bag back out and let’s do this right. But to upbraid me? Did you get your scold quotient in for the day, dude?

I’m a big believer in rules. I like to know where they are so I can decide how and if I want to break them. But this didn’t feel like security to me. It felt like his authority had been flouted.

Maybe somebody just needed a hug. Or a quick game of Rochambeau. I’ll go first.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Happy Birthday!

Today is My Beloved's birthdays. I love birthdays. My own and others'. I think it's so much fun to celebrate someone for all the special things they bring to the world. I am the luckiest man to have such a great fella. I'm not an easy person to live with, but he just seems to get me.

So, let the birthweek begin! Hopefully we won't get too stupid.

Mythical Creatures in the News

What is the deal with all the monster sightings lately? Big Foot found in East Bumfuck. Chupacabras in South Texas. I’m just waiting to see how the Republicans manage to blame the “monster infestation” on the Democrats.

And speaking of mythical creatures, I’m starting to think the exalted Obama may fuck this thing up. Joe Biden as one of the top contenders for VP? You have GOT to be kidding me. Haven’t voters rejected him OVER and OVER again? I’m sure he’s a perfectly nice man who represents his fair little state of Deleware ably. But on the national stage, he’s mincemeat. Don’t do it.

A campaign that seemed so full of HOPE for change. A campaign that seemed so . . . different . . . than any before it. Suddenly, it’s all starting to feel the same. I want to recapture that excitement. I want to believe he’s an agent of change. I want to believe that he will actually beat John McCain. But my conviction is waning day by day.

Maybe Hillary overthrowing the convention wouldn’t be such a bad idea, after all.

C’mon, O! Turn up the heat.

In Case We Didn’t Look Stupid Enough Already

My fabulous sister-in-law, La Proscrita del Norte, forwarded me an online article she’d found on the BBC news site. I had already heard the news, of course, that a West Texas school was going to allow teachers to carry concealed weapons. And while, I thought it a completely bone-headed thing, this IS Texas, after all, where most guns will have to be “pried from their cold, dead hands,” as the saying goes.

We even elected a woman to our Legislature once, simply because she’d been present at a massacre at Luby’s Cafeteria and campaigned on the fact that, if she had had a gun with her, all those innocent people wouldn’t have been killed. She was so sure of her aim that she was certain she could have taken the perp out with one shot. Ridiculous? Oh, yeah. But the electorate eat that shit UP around here.

I was all, like, BITCH, why didn’t you bum rush the motherfucker and take the bullet yourself, if you’re all brave and shit.

Okay, I’ll stop bobbing my head back and forth now.

So back to handguns in the hands of teachers. In Harrold, Texas (which is so small and insignificant that I’ve never even heard of it. Plus, it’s practically in Oklahoma), they are concerned with school shootings. And they feel like the best way to prevent this is to arm the faculty. The good news is, they only have ONE campus for all twelve grades (although most of the kids there probably take a good 14-15 years to graduate). Their rationale?

"When the federal government started making schools gun-free zones, that's when all of these shootings started," said school superintendent David Thweatt (ne “Cracker”).

Yeah. That’s when. I hadn’t been able to pinpoint the exact moment, but now I see. Thank you smart superintendent. PS How many National Merit Scholars does Harrold ISD produce a year? None? Shocking!

And why does every fucking jackalope always blame it on the Feds. I love how people think our government is somehow “them” not “us.” You know, they sell mirrors at wal-mart.

But there’s nothing like reading a news story written for a foreign audience to give you new perspective on the veil of stupidity surrounding you. Guess it’s kind of like the smog in Beijing. After a few years, you don’t even really notice it. You just cough and spit and go on about your business.

The BBC makes absolutely NO editorial comment. But they leave the point out there stinking like a fresh turd in the Texas sun.

Of course, after foisting W onto an unsuspecting world, I’m not sure anyone expects anything better of us.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Say wot?

I have to admit I’m a spelling geek. Not the Tori/Aaron/Candy drama kind. The word kind. Maybe it’s because I’m a writer. Maybe because I thought it made me feel superior to the mill worker children in Purty Mouth, Texas.

Or maybe just because I learned how to do it properly. That’s not to say I don’t, on occasion, misspell a word. Spell check helps, for sure. As does having an online dictionary a click away.

Which I guess is why today’s article in CNN has me fuming.

A university professor in Buckinghamshire (UK) thinks teachers waste too much time correcting students' spelling. And he thinks we should lighten up a bit. He doesn’t want to allow ALL misspellings, just words like February (Febuary), twelfth (twelth) and truly (truly). He says his students ask him why there’s no “e” in truly and he doesn’t have a good explanation.

Uh, hey dumbass, there are a lot of spellings that don’t make sense. Most of them in your own back yard. Colour. Favour. Arse. That should get us started. But it doesn't mean we need to change them.

And “twelth?” What the fuck is that? I actually pronounce that “f.” Am I alone in that?

He goes on to say how “punished” these students are, especially when it comes to applying for a job or filling out a form, even when most of the misspellings are quite common. I'm sure you heard me groan on that one.

Right, then, guvnah! Let’s not make the stupid people feel, um, I don’t know, STUPID!?!?! Let’s reward this fucking laziness by tagging them as poor victims. Sorry, that shit don’t play on this blog.

Thank God CNN was kind enough to provide counterpoint:

"People who spell a lot of words incorrectly either aren't paying attention or don't care," says Barbara Wallraff, who writes the Wordcourt column on language and writing problems for the Atlantic and King Features Syndicate. "Why are we changing our language to accommodate — with two m's — them?"

Amen sister. Of course, what do you expect from someone who doesn’t know his arse from a whole in the grind.

Friday, August 15, 2008

His Lips Are Moving

I think we need to invent a new kind of zipper for male politicians. One that won’t release if the wearer is sporting wood. Because I for one am tired of politicians, from both sides of the aisle (although I do love it when the evil ones get their comeuppance), throwing their credibility away in the quest for nookie.

I’ve been watching with a mixture of glee and sadness as the John Edwards affair (the former Senator, not the psychic) has unfurled. Glee because, once again, a politician has put his, er, foot in, uh, his mouth. Or something like that.

Sadness because I believed he was a man of principle. And because his lovely wife had to deal with his bullshit on top of her own terminal cancer prognosis. Yep, he fucked around on his wife while she battled for her life. Guess that’s one way of coping. Sleazebag.

Mostly though, it’s just blatantly narcissistic. Which should come as no surprise if you look at how the man grooms himself. Practically metrosexual. Which, of course, begs the question, "Why do these guys always poke the ugly girls?" I mean, I would think they could pretty much poke and choose, but Edwards, like President Clinton before him, seems to have an affinity for the plain girls.

Edwards portrayed himself as a champion of the working class. So maybe hanging out in all those honky tonks listening to a bunch “done me wrong” songs is what pushed him over the edge. Maybe there’s something subliminal in those country recordings and if you play ‘em backwards they say, “hit on the skank with the overprocessed hair! Knock her up and get yerself a bastard child and some child support payments!” Or “her roots don’t look that dark in the dark, but the white blonde frames her face like an angel, don’t it?’

And speaking of child support, everyone who believes that the payments being made to Ms. Hunter by Senator Edwards good friend and former finance chair have been made without the Senator’s knowledge please send me $5.

I’ll hold my breath as I plan my shopping spree.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

ah ah ah ah ah ah ah!

I just learned something. A really valuable lesson.

It's not always the melted cheese on the pizza that burns your mouth. Sometimes it's the molten lava tomato sauce underneath, that squirts as you bite into it splattering the inside of your mouth like shot.

Good to know.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

I Think We're Turning Chinese, I Really Think So

There has been so much going on lately that I’ve barely time to sleep, much less blog. But, oh, where to start. I know, let’s start with the Olympics.

It’s been so interesting to me to hear the outcry over all the “faked” stuff at the opening ceremonies. The fireworks thing I totally get. It’s not like they weren’t actually shooting off overhead, it’s just that it would have been hard to chronicle live. But, isn’t the footage they showed from a “live” shot? So why could they chronicle it then, but not at the opening ceremonies. Was there less “danger” at the dress rehearsal? Curious.

Of course the thing that just blows my mind is the babygirl bait and switch. You know, where they substituted the “pretty” girl for the “ugly” girl with the magnificent voice. Can you imagine the therapy bills? For BOTH girls. Do they even have therapy in China?

I mean that poor little girl isn’t the cutest thing in the world, but she’s not exactly a chupacabra (do you think they eat chupacabra in china?). And she’s got this amazing gift. I think the Chinese would have been better off showing a little appreciation for the talent over beauty. People would have been amazed at the voice.

In the end, though, you gotta admit it was a spectacle. Might was well start practicing your Chinese now, because these people are going to rule the world. Of course, the ONE thing they couldn’t control was the one thing that really fucked with them. Did you see the smog? If you get a second, google “Beijing smog.” Fucking unbelievable.

So, future Chinese masters of the universe, you can bring the delicious cuisine and the groovy technology, but leave the smog in the motherland. Mkay?

Saturday, August 9, 2008

And you shall know them by the trail of the Cheetohs

Authorities, investigating a snack machine that had been vandalized and emptied, followed the most obvious clue, a trail of orange Cheetoh dust and other “snack debris” to a house just around the corner from the location of the machine.

There they arrested three teenagers for the crime.

Okay, how fucking stoned do you have to be to bust into a vending machine, steal all the shit, but be so munchtastic that you have to start ripping into the Cheetohs RIGHT THEN!

I’m sure had the trail not been so clear, the police could have discovered orange fingerprints all over the place. Then matched them to the orange prints on the bong they’re bound to have found at the boys’ house.

Dude. Everybody knows those snack sizes won’t cure the hunger. Rob a 7-11 next time.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Gimme an "L." Gimme an "O." Gimme another "L."

Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

More than two dozen cheerleaders (I’m guessing 24 blondes and a token African-American girl), in town for a cheerleading camp, got stuck in an elevator on the University of Texas campus yesterday. Apparently, they decided to see how many anorexic girls could fit into the space, and overloaded it. Probably because one of the girls had failed to purge.

The article was all dramatic. “Two girls passed out and were treated at the scene.” Oh, dear. Didn’t someone have a tic-tac to nourish these poor girls.”

It then goes on to say that they were in the elevator for TWENTY MINUTES. That’s it? Twenty whole minutes? Mary, sweet mother of Jesus. Talk about short attention spans. The girls used their cell phones to call authorities, who, based on response time, were apparently waiting in the lobby.

An AOTSP reporter on the scene was able to interview some of the survivors. Some of the bites:

“It was, like, soooo scary, ‘cuz, like, some of those bitches were total skanks, okay? I didn’t EVEN want to be touching them.”

Another said, “we were all chanting, ‘open this door!’ but it’s really hard to do a good cheer when you can’t lift your arms over your head.”

“(sob) I wasn’t sure I would ever do a herky again (sniffle, sob)”

“I am completely sure that this was just part of God’s plan for me. I full intend to use this experience as a growth opportunity, both spiritually and personally. That which does not kill me makes me stronger. And since I’m obviously not dead, that means I’m stronger. And THAT means I might even make (shrieks) HEAD CHEERLEADER!!!!!! Fire UP!”

“The cell signal was, like, ONE BAR. Sha! I kept trying to text people, but it was impossible. And I couldn’t call. I didn’t want any of the other girls to hear what I was saying about them. I mean, please. These girls are my FRIENDS. If they knew what I was saying, it would totally hurt their feelings.”


“Does anyone have a tic-tac? Or a Red Bull?”




Hmmm, I wonder if any of them were so traumatized that they will “never cheer again.” One can only hope.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Swimmin' In It

So apparently Hurrican Edouard has soaked southwestern Louisiana, creating flood waters about two feet deep. This area of Louisiana, due east of Purty Mouth, is not known for it’s learned people. In fact, this bit of swampy backwater is beyond white trash. Crackerville is the closest town.

But I couldn’t have imagined the sight I’d see upon opening cnn.com this morning. There was a picture of a little girl in front of her trailer, gleefully SWIMMING IN THE FLOOD WATERS!!

I can just hear her meth’d out mom and dad. “Git on out there and get yer laps in ‘fore it goes dry. Watch out fer them gaters and water borne diseases. But holler if ya see a nutria. We ain’t got nuthin fer dinner tonight.”

I’m not exactly sure how the gene pool got so shallow in this part of the world. But if they ever hold a swamp Olympics, my money’s on this little girl.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Pay at the Pump

So, Exxon Mobil posted another record quarter’s earnings. And the news was met with . . . a gigantic yawn. I have to admit, even I am overstimulated by the numbers. The article I read stated that, if one time write offs and profit taking were excluded, Exxon Mobil would have the 10 MOST PROFITABLE QUARTERS IN CORPORATE HISTORY.

So, where’s the outrage? And better yet, where are the conspiracy theorists.

Where are the people questioning the claims that gas prices are rising because of supply and demand, yet the profits are rising even faster. Sounds like a load of fossil bullshit to me. But what do I know? Maybe if we have lower gas prices the terrorists win. Although I’m thinking that the terrorists are Saudi and most of the profits on oil are Saudi . . . could there be a connection? Nah. Surely the press would have picked up on something like that. If they weren’t a bunch of ostriches with their heads buried in the White House lawn.

It’s funny how the press appears to have wilted in the face of the Bush Administration’s misdeeds. And make no mistake, these gas prices, and these oil company profits, are directly linked to the Bushy policies.

I hear lots of chatter at social gatherings. Biting criticism between canapés and cocktails. But where’s the action. I’m no advocate of violence, but I’m curious why no one as Malotov’d an ExxonMobil station. Or at least picketed.

But we don’t have a right to gasoline at low prices. That would make us Venezuela.

So, let’s start a new movement. Let’s call it, “Put it in P!” No, wait. That would lead to far too many jokes at my expense.

Let’s call it, “Put it in Park!” That’s right. Don’t drive. Walk. Take the bus. Ride your bike. Work from home (talk about casual Fridays!).

Are you with me?!?!? Let’s GOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Wait, aren’t y’all coming? Where’d everybody go?

Pussies.

Friday, August 1, 2008

More Radio Silliness

After listening to the stupid Republican chick (I know, Department of Redundancy Department), on the radio this morning, I decided to switch to a different station for the short drive to the grocery store.

A female caller was on the air, asking one of the DJ’s for the name of the doctor who had prescribed his sister some new diet drug, which apparently shrinks you to a size 2 while you’re getting your nails done. Since most doctors apparently won’t prescribe this drug, the DJ thought it best not to give out the name.

He suggested she try her regular doctor. Her response? “I would, but I’m afraid she would just tell me to . . . exercise.”

I’m sorry, what? I couldn’t hear you with that éclair in your mouth.

Radio Free Dipshit

Morning radio has never been of much interest to the post-adolescent. But given my arrested development, I have faithfully tuned in to one or the other, trying to keep my mind full of the latest pop culture markers.

With all the cool music on iTunes, and my newly activated Sirius subscription, I find that I don’t need morning radio anymore. Unless I’m in the OTHER car. The one WITHOUT the satellite hookup. Today, it was necessary that I drive that car. Don’t get me wrong. It’s a wonderful, lovely, luxury sedan, mind you. It’s not a chore to drive it. It’s just not my daily ride.

I had endured a bit too much of the morning show on the pure pop station. The “um, er, like” conservative sorority girl’s knee jerk Christian-Republicanism metastasized into a really bad rap, set to Ludacris’ “shake your moneymaker” as an ode to John McCain.

“Vote for John McCain, Like somebody bout to pay ya.” What? Thefuck. She goes on to give a name check to Reagan (can someone PLEASE explain why all Republicans think Reagan was the shit? I truly don’t get it.) and tries unsuccessfully to rhyme some more words to the throbbing beat.

This was apparently a response to Ludacris’ song “Obama is Here.” My first thought was “girl, please.” Then I realized that I secretly (or not so secretly) hope that ALL Republican response is that lame. Maybe then we can effect some change up in here.

Or maybe I just need to activate the satellite in that car.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Hell in a Republican Handbasket

And the good news keeps rollin’ in! The White House announced that we have a RECORD budget deficit! $490 BILLION. And I thought my credit cards were out of whack. I always love the spin they put on these things. They are blaming the deficit on “a faltering economy and the bipartisan $170 billion stimulus package that passed earlier this year.”

Okay, let’s take a look at this, shall we. First of all, the economy is faltering because of your ridiculous economic policies. While you don’t call it “trickle down” anymore (mostly because it sounds far too much like the rich are pissing on the poor), that’s basically what you embrace. If the rich get richer, the their companies are better able to provide jobs for the poor. Makes sense. If you’re rich.

Two, I love the “bipartisan” angle on the stimulus package. You know what, I blew my $300 frivolously, and threw another few thousand on top of it. I got a long weekend in LA at a luxury hotel, some great food and 4 new pairs of shoes. But did I really help the economy? After all, I couldn’t even get into my first three choices of hotel, because they were already booked. And there were SEVERAL more pairs of shoes I had my eye on, but apparently Mrs. Marcos beat me to the punch, because they didn’t have them in my size. Hmmm. But I thought you need stimulating?

Lastly, I love how they conveniently neglect to mention one other thing that just might be driving this whole issue. THE FUCKING IRAQ WAR! When you’re sinking approximately a TRILLION bucks into a hole in the sand, sucking the American treasury dry, and the only people who are benefiting are the oil companies and defense contractors, don’t you think THAT might have a little something to do with our deficit.

And as much as I hate to beat a dead horse named W (drip, drip, drip, goes the sarcasm), I just have to ask, SERIOUSLY? We claim to be the “greatest nation on earth” and we managed to elect this bucket of shit TWICE?

If, please God no, the super smart American people should elect McCain this fall, I think it’s time to start talking about a divorce. Blue states can form a country and the red states can form a country. And we’ll wave at you as we drive past the bread lines.

Sticking It (Sort of) to Big Oil

Whenever you read about spiraling gas prices, you always see the same rebuttals. “Free market economy,” “Do you know how much they pay in Europe? We’re getting off easy!” blah, blah, blah. What the fuck ever. The big oil companies are using President Crony’s policies to make the largest profits in American history.

But now, they’re doing a little rethinking. As gas prices have dropped twelve cents in the last week, news comes that we, the people, drove a whopping 9.6 BILLION fewer miles in May 08 than we did in May 07. Take THAT, ExxonMobil!

This is being attributed to the exorbitant rise in gas prices. Like, duh.

(Digression: Did anyone else see the report that said “When Hillary Clinton began her presidential campaign (less than two years) ago, gas was $2.00 a gallon?” How fucking scary is that?)

The drop in May was 3.7%, the largest drop in history. Way to go Free Marketers!!! You oil companies go ahead and sell that $4 gas somewhere else, ‘cuz we’re not buying.

I, personally, have felt the impact of these gas prices. My beloved and I play this game called Fantasy For Instance, where we imagine our lives after winning the $100,000,000+ MegaMillions lotto. Now, we find ourselves debating the fuel efficiency of the Maserati Quattroporte vs. the Bentley Continental R. The tricked out Range Rover has been removed from the list entirely. We’re still pretty sure that private jet travel would still be on the agenda, but with a considerable carbon offset expense now. Frankly, it’s exhausting making all these imaginary decisions. I blame big oil.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Thanks for Clearing That Up

As I surfed the news this morning, I got a chuckle with my coffee.

“Experts to investigate hole in Qantas jet” says USA Today. Oh, thank God. I was afraid they’d send in the amateurs.

Although I do wonder, how does one become an expert on holes? Practice, I guess.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Long, Stupid Political Post

I am frustrated on an almost daily basis by people who are STRIDENTLY for or against a particular candidate, but can’t articulate their position beyond the most basic, hackneyed rhetoric.

“He’s too old.”

“He’s not experienced enough.”

“He’s not Hillary.” (used by former Clinton backers and opponents, as well)

“I hate that woman!” (yet I can never get a good reason why).

Combine that with people’s obsessive need to chime in and add their two-cents worth (honestly, about all it IS worth) and you find yourself in the “comments” section so courteously provided by the major news outlets on their websites.

Now, before I go any further, may I just say that I like my news the old-fashioned way. Balanced, informed and lacking sensationalism. If I want sensational, I’ll watch a telenovela. Growing up, I was in awe of newspapers. I thought it was so cool that you had at least one source that didn’t show bias, but rather helped you understand both sides of the story. Of course, even then there was slant. I was just to naïve to see.

But as I’ve said many times in this forum, we’ve lost our ability to have debate. Now it’s just an argument, fomented by network talking heads. Raising the volume of the debate has taken the place of raising the quality of the debate.

So today, CNN posts the results of another poll that shows McCain narrowing the gap with Obama in some key states. The article is innocuous enough. But when you click on the comments, the fun begins. And the whackjobs come crawling out of their cyber hiding places.

Here for your reading pleasure, a few of those comments. As I read through, I’m reminded of one of my favorite lyrics, from an old Tears for Fears song, Mr. Pessimist. “Evangelistic brother, should be banging a tambourine. Go wash your hands and fingers, ‘til your mind is clean.”

Sic all. This is also an indictment of our education system. Is it really possible to have an informed opinion when you don’t know how to spell?

“Go McCain! Anyone but Obama! He's not qualified! Was for Hillary, now for McCain!” –Marie in California


“its ok Mcwar will lose anyways because people dont like him only racist people will vote for this loser”—aaa


“Isn't that what the media has been working on in the last few weeks. They got their wish. Hurah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” –Chris from NY

“I have been saying with all the hype of OBAMA look at the polls McCain now is winning or ahead in the battleground states. OBAMA is going down, and about the polls that hispanic is for OBAMA don't think so they were in CA. What about the Hispanic people in States like NM, AZ, NV, and the rest of the Nation were Hispanic were not conducted polls. Just wait and see in Oct-Nov went Latinos will open their eyes and ears and go with McCain!!!! All that hype in Berlin, Iraq, Israel and Obama has no Bounce!!! Obama is going down!!!!!!!!!!
Latinos for McCain!!!” –Latinos fro McCain

“no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama
no Obama” –no obama


“HELLO PEOPLE….John McCain has some 59 LOBBYIST working in his campaign!!!!! MY GOD why does America have to shoot it's self in the foot before we realize we can bleed? Charlie Black, Phil Gramm, are Mccains Dick Chaney… this man Gaffes all over the place, i cant even get into his flip flopping, his campaign has been a shamble- how a person runs a campaign shows how s/he will run the country…BOMB BOMB BOMB Iran, THIS MAN GRADUATED 894 OUT OF 899….For God sakes people we can not AFFORD John McCain. we already see oil spills, we already have people killing them selves because they are loosing their homes…McCain WILL make things worse than Bush has. Woman if you want your rights, you need to pay attention top Mccain's record. Vets, ask your selves would you fight for this man who refuses to to release his own Military record? Seniors can you vote for a man who will destroy SS? AMERICA CAN NOT AFFORD MCCAIN!!!!!!!!! dumpmccain.com” –McArsenic



“In Colorado I can understand.
After it was divulged that Obama and the DNC ground crew has been using publicly financed motor pools for their gas (against the law) for workers on the ground since March 2008–I don't suppose many Coloradans respect the integrity of the Democratic Party.
Any citizens knows you don't use public (taxpayor) resources for personal or political purposes.”—Praetorian, Fort Myers


“This is great news. Obama should remember he needs to convince people here in America to vote for him, not foreigners. The arrogance of this man. He goes on a world tour as if he's already President. Sorry, buddy, I'm not ready to hand over my country to the likes of you.”
PUMA for McCain” –Marc in Virginia


For those of you who don’t know what PUMA means (I didn’t, I had to look it up), it’s a political action committee started by a Clinton supporter. The name is an acronym for People United Means Action. Most people who have adopted the moniker believe it REALLY stands for Party Unity My Ass. In other words, “I’m going to vote for the other guy, just to spite you.”

Yep. Our political system is now in the hands of the kindergarteners.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Of Autism and Assholes

I was very reluctant to even post this, because doing so completely supports my supposition. Oh well.

Over the last couple of days, radio shock jock Michael Savage has generated yet another firestorm with his comments about autistic children. Not surprisingly, his comments were ill-informed and inflammatory and have caused an ENORMOUS outrage in the press. And people should be outraged. But we need to keep our mouths shut.

See, the Michael Savages of the world LIVE for controversy. I doubt seriously that Michael Savage believes a word of what he says, but he hasn’t been in the news much lately and I’m pretty sure he lives by the old saw, “there’s no such thing as bad publicity.”

It’s funny, because it seems to be a right-wing idiot fear factor thing. These conservative assholes say the darndest things. But really, they just want to get a rise out of people, mostly because their ego demands it.

Before he became this hate-spewing rightie, Michael Savage was a seriously tree-hugging liberal, albeit with an ego that wouldn’t quit. When he realized that most tree-huggers don’t get their 15 minutes (unless they’re chained to a tree in protest, and even then we don’t usually remember their names) he reinvented himself as an uber-conservative. And shot to celebrity.

Shock and awe! And pretty fucking convenient, eh?

So, wouldn’t it be awesome if the press and the good guys of the world just ignored these people. The hate spewing “preachers” and inflammatory radio “personalities.”

Sure they’d still maintain a following among a small, dedicated group of crackers and dip shits, but my guess is that most of these haters would fade away, because the attention is really the driver here, not the message.

But, as I said in the opening line, I can’t even practice what I preach.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Wry or Wrong?

My beloved’s nephew turned me on to a blog that still has me scratching my head. It’s called Shelley The Republican. I can’t for the life of me tell if this is arch satire, or some bat shit evangelical lady from the sticks. Either way, it’s some crazy fucking shit. Check it out.

http://www.shelleytherepublican.com/

I love the way the cross replaces the “T” on the site. Nice touch.

And regardless of the intent of the blog, the sentiments are essentially those of the far right. Whether this blogger has taken it to an absurd extreme for effect, or is simply that narrow and removed, it’s entertainment people!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Oldie But Goodie--Like the Bible!

Back in the day, when Dr. Laura actually had some media cred, this letter made the rounds. I have kept a printed out copy of it in my desk all these years. Today, a client forwarded it to me. I'm sure everyone has seen it, but it so nicely sums up my feelings about those who attempt to interpret the Bible literally. (Never mind the fact that they're are paying slavish abeisance to an EDITED TRANSLATION.)

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness Lev.15: 19 24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states, that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6 8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev.24:10 16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in -laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.