Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Show Me Something!

Last night, the Republicans trotted out their answer to Barack Obama. And after I got over the, “look, we have a brown person, too!” aura of the whole thing, I sincerely wanted to see what Governor Bobby Jindal had to say. I kinda keep up with Louisiana politics and I have followed Jindal’s story closely. I must admit I was shocked that he was elected. A son of immigrants. A Republican. I guessed that Louisiana decided collectively to replace “laissez les bon temps rouler” with NIMBY. Shocking that a people so given to celebration and the rich melting pot that is Cajun and creole culture would swing so hard to the right, but then again, eight years of Bush will rot your brain.

I also tuned in because I sincerely wanted to hear what the Republicans would say in rebuttal to the President’s speech. I’m a big believer in healthy discourse and debate, but I’ve been disappointed (I know, I know. Manage your expectations better.) by the harsh partisan rhetoric the Congressional Republicans have decided to unwaveringly cling to. I hoped that Jindal would be different. Since that was obvious the word that came to mind when the R’s were trying to decide who to offer up.

Instead, it was just the third act of Rove: The Musical. The talking points he laid out were completely Bushy. I wanted to phone him and say, “Governor, you DO realize that there was an election a few months back? And the people of America RESOUNDINGLY rejected your way of thinking.” But I didn’t. Mostly because I don’t have his celly number. And partly because I try not to mix good tequila with bad politics.

Honestly, though, if you’d strapped a pair of drag queen boobs on him, given him an updo and some sexy librarian glasses, it could have been Sarah Palin standing there. And speaking of which, since she’s all determined to be our next President, why didn’t they let her give the rebuttal? Hmm. Smells like fish to me.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t for a minute think that Bobby Jindal is an idiot. But basedon last night, he is a HORRENDOUS speaker. Having worked with a lot of people to hone their public speaking skills, I can honestly say that whoever is working with him needs to be fired. He needs an acting coach. Badly. The false earnestness of his emphasis. The cocked head. The scrunching of his eyes to let you know how much he meeeeeaaaaaannnns it. Appalling.

And let’s not even talk about the stupid shit they made him say. Criticizing the government for their response to Katrina? Hello?! It was YOUR FUCKING GOVERNMENT! YOUR PARTY WAS IN CONTROL OF THE WHITE HOUSE AND BOTH HOUSES OF CONGRESS! You got fucked in the ass by the very people who are buying your dinner now. And I hate to tell you this, but it’s supposed to work the other way around.

Lastly, and just to show you how completely out of touch the Republicans are, it was Mardi Gras. A day when ALL Louisianans THROW IT DOWN. And poor Bobby Jindal couldn’t even have a cocktail until it was all over. He did wish everyone “happy mardi gras,” but it was the saddest, lamest, least convincing greeting ever. He was wishing YOU a happy mardi gras because his was sucking elephant ass.

The least they could have done was let him wear some beads.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

When I Say Texans Are Deep, I Mean . . .

So this morning I heard the news of a young Texas man who, in the process of trying to impress his friends with how long he could hold his breath, drowned off the coast of Corpus Christi.

Apparently he couldn’t hold his breath for as long as he thought he could. And I don’t know if his name was Christi, but he’s certainly a corpus now.

Details of the “accident” (That doesn’t seem like the right word. “oops, I drowned. Didn’t mean to do that.” But I don’t know, what the fuck else are you going to call it? ) are sketchy. Several details, however jumped out at me.

1. It was dark.

Um. . . hey dumbfuck, you’re in the OCEAN at night. Have you not ever watched a scary movie in your life. Don’t go in the ocean at night. Hell, I won’t even go in a pool at night unless I’ve turned the light on and off real quick to check for monster . . . . and if there’s a Daniel Craig look-a-like waiting naked at the other end.

2. His girlfriend (who was present) told the first responders she was a lifeguard.

Um . . . hey dumbfuck’s girlfriend (also known as Dumbfuck) I wouldn’t exactly be bragging about your mad lifeguarding skills while talking with the authorities about witnessing your boyfriend’s drowning death. Not exactly a ringing endorsement. But maybe you only completed the daytime course.

And by the way, at EXACTLY what pool do you lifeguard? Just wondering.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Ahh, the Moneychangers

A Virginia personal banker has quit his job rather than be forced to follow a new company policy that allows Mexican nationals to access banking services if they have a consular ID card. Apparently, these cards are issued even to illegal immigrants and the banker felt that this was in conflict with his strong Christian values. Say WTF?

Now, we’ve all seen the Christi-Ans do some crazy shit in the name of the Lord, but how exactly does immigration fit into this? Is it something to do with Exodus? I mean seriously, help me understand how a Mexican national transacting some financial business IN ANY WAY crosses over into religion? Is it because racism is so intrinsic in so much southern religion that he just thought generic racism was religious?

And of course, with all the fucking BULLSHIT that has gone down in the banking industry lately (you know, that whole raping and pillaging our economy thing) I find it absolutely hysterical that THIS is the issue that caused his moral outrage. I’m thinking there’s a whole lot more in the bible about greed than immigration.

He, of course, prayed over the issue. Hey, mr. dumbfuckracistbankermotherfucker, that “peaceful silence” you heard when you were praying? It was God, completely gobsmacked that the cute little baby he made has turned into such a morally corrupt soul who uses his God and his religion as a moral bludgeon.

I completely understand the conundrum of feeling that you’re compromising your morals for a paycheck. After all, I worked for John Cornyn for four years. Believe me, I get it. But this guy is just unhinged. With a bible burr under his saddle.

"Why should Christians and patriots always be on the defensive against bad policies? Where are the Christian businessmen and entrepreneurs who can create companies that are viable and profitable so that Christians can work without being placed in a position where they have to choose principle over a paycheck?" Hey dude, there’s always Cracker Barrel.

No word on how much of his savings will be spent on strippers and cheap booze.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

"Special" Delivery

So last week I saw an article about how the post office is facing huge losses and essentially bankruptcy. Oh, hang on, let me grab a hankie. WAAAAAH fuckin’ WAAAAH!

My tragicomedy of errors with the P.O. is well documented. Sure, I wave and smile at the mail carrier like we’re characters in a Norman Rockwell painting. But really, who am I kidding. Aside from not being able to get my 215 magazine subscriptions delivered to my door, they don’t bring me anything but junk and bills. Would I really be that upset if they just went away? Or if we all had to get P.O. boxes and eliminate the route carriers?

One option they really are considering is to only get mail every other day. You know, fine by me. In fact, there are times when I DO only get mail every other day. I can manage. If it’s urgent, I’ll use FedEx anyway.

Now, to provide just a hair of balance, I also noted that under the Federal guidelines, the Post Office is supposed to make a profit and reinvest those profits into better services. But they can only raise postage rates to keep up with inflation, not to counter demand, or lack thereof.

So, our wonderful Feds decided to semi-privatize the whole shebang, but didn’t provide them with enough tools or room for success.

But maybe the solution would be to hire better workers and pay them commensurate to the work they’re doing. Oh, and maybe incentivize them. You see, according to the article the “average” postal worker makes over $60,000 a year. Now granted, they’re all below average, so who knows how much they really make. But get this—their raises are GUARANTEED. No evaluations, nothing. Just show up, clock in, clock out and you’ll get an increase come raise time.

No fucking wonder their service sucks hind teat. I’m not sure I would be motivated to provide any customer service either. Aww, who am I kidding, I’d probably be like the Kenneth the Page with jazz hands, turning it into Surly Post Office: The Musical.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

The Taxman Cometh

I love President Obama. I’m thrilled by how much he has been able to lift our hopes and offer the promise of a resurgent America.

But goddamn, man, did you even bother to vet your nominees? First there were issues with Hillary (via Bill). Then Gov. Bill Richardson, himself a former candidate for President, withdrew his name from consideration for Commerce Secy, because he was being investigated. Then there was Nancy Killefer, slotted to be the first ever Chief Performance Officer, or Head Budget Scrubber, who withdrew because of “unspecified tax issues,” i.e. she didn’t pay ‘em.

And now comes former U.S. Senator Tom Daschle, one of the world’s leading experts on health care and a very widely respected legislator. Who didn’t pay his taxes.

WTF? It’s not that hard. Count up all—yes, all—the money you earned. Deduct all the things you legally are entitled to, and pay taxes on the rest. They even have people who are trained to help with these sorts of things. They're called “accountants.”

As disappointed as I am in this many nominees going down, I’m even more concerned about the team that recommended them in the first place. I mean, yeah, you’ve got some political capital, but is this really the way you want to spend it?

It’s like winning the lottery and blowing it on strippers. I mean, they look all “sexy time” and shiz, but in the end, you’re still going home with a boner and a pair of blue ones. Not to mention the empty wallet.

What happened to “Yes we can!” How about “Yes we can . . . pay our damn taxes.”
Maybe every Obama nominee should get a copy of TurboTax in their gift basket.