Friday, September 28, 2007

That High Horse Ain't Got No Legs

You know, for a man named Peter, I’m so thrilled that General Pace so closely follows his moral code. I guess he wants to believe he's named after a big saint. I'm more inclined to vote body part.

This week, he felt the need to clarify his homophobic remarks from earlier this year, but really only stirred the hornet’s nest. See, General Pace doesn’t believe that the military should engage in conduct that isn’t “moral.”

By “moral” he means homosexuality and adultery. For the Bible tells him so.

Guess he missed the Moses memo on killing.

Excuse Me, That's MY Money!

So, the President can’t speak properly, but he sure knows how to ask for money. He has now asked the Congress for $190 billion to fund the Iraq war for another year. Let me emphasize that again. He is asking for $190,000,000,000 for ONE FUCKING YEAR of battling a war we shouldn’t be in in the first place. And no one even seems to be swallowing hard.

And what is it again we’re supposed to be getting out of this?

Where’s the fucking outrage people? This is ridiculous that we have become so desensitized to so many zeros. (I guess that happens when you have the biggest ZERO sitting in the Oval Office.)

And where is the Republican outrage? Aren’t they the ones who are always complaining about high taxes? Well how the fuck do you think we’re paying for this war? Bake sales?

Give me a fucking (tax) break. And quit bitching about welfare mothers and social programs. The amount of money we have spent on this war is OBSCENE. We could have rebuilt New Orleans, provided a college education for every child who wanted it, eradicated homelessness, provided healthcare for all and still had enough money to go for ice cream after.

As of July this year, the population of Iraq was 27.5 million (and falling). And the meter is fast approaching 1 TRILLION dollars. Why not just buy them? It would be cheaper.


I know there’s a bunch of oil over there and that this is a domino game. But I thought that’s why we sucked so much Saudi dick. So we could have a toe-hold in the region.

Maybe growing up in the Bush household, Little Georgie thought it was okay to ask for a million dollar advance on his allowance. But I think it’s time to cut up his credit card.

Cute Quotes From the Leader of the Free World

So, I’m hoping, hoping, hoping that some commemorative ceramic figurine maker will decide to make these. I want to see a set of cutesy bookends, featuring a Norman Rockwellian vignette of George W. Bush in an old-fashioned classroom setting.

The first would show a concerned, fatherly Bush, surrounded by school kids (maybe with their books upside down—how cute would that be?). He would be scratching his head and looking perplexed—maybe even flummoxed.

The inscription on this collectible would be: Is our children learning?

The other end would be a smiling Bush, flipping one of the children’s books right-side-up, while the other children laughed along. This inscription: Childrens do learn.

I bet there are a lot of trailer-park Christians out there who would snap this up. QVC? FranklinMint? Lladro? Are you listening.

Peoples do buy this shit.

Me? I'm going to throw up now.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

"Ow!" Said the Pretty Blonde Girl

Zoomed through an episode of Beauty and the Geek. Hadn't planned on stopping AT ALL. The premise absolutely repulses me. But just as I was about to click away, the pretty blonde girl spoke. She was talking about how hard her challenge had been, because it required thinking and "brain stuff."

Swear to God. She called it "brain stuff." I fell off the fucking bed laughing. Best of all? Straight face. Missy has a WHOLE lot of room upstairs. It's where she keeps her "brain."

Sad to say, but I'll probably come back for more. Besides, Britney's no fun anymore. Y'all.

Rich People Don’t Wear Socks

So, I haven’t hung with the East Coast Elite in many, many years. (Okay, I’ve never hung with them. But I do stalk them from time to time. Sue me.) But I hadn’t noticed before--rich people don’t wear socks. When they are at leisure, they wear “casual attire” (which is pretty much what I call “dressing up,” i.e. long pants and a polo shirt.) They wear cute shoes. AND NO SOCKS.

Now I know what you’re thinking. Why would I, who subscribes to the “barefoot and looks pregnant” school of fashion find it at all remarkable that these conservative types (preppy in the legitimate sense) would go sockless. I live in Austin, for Christ’s sake. Flip flops are our version of dress shoes.

But in a town as buttoned up as D.C. is (guys wear ties in the gym), it just struck me as funny.

Now, I know they can afford socks. So, it must be a “I-don’t-care-if-I-stink-up-my-shoes-I’m-rich-be-otch!” kind of thing. Or maybe that’s their way of showing a little skin. A sexy come hither code that turns other rich people on. Mmmm. Ankles. HOT!

Hey, whatever turns you on. If you put your feet together, those little ankle bone bumps do sort of look like cleavage.

How Come They Make Such Stupid Decisions?

So, I’m in our nation’s capital. I figured I might as well come to the front and check out the Office of Stupid Fuckers first hand. But first, I needed caffeine, so I parked my happy ass at a small, local coffee house (I think it was called “Starbucks” or something like that) and tried to look like I wasn’t from Texas.

The first thing I noticed is that there sure are a lot of smart people here. Seriously, there are more think tanks than Starbucks. Just in the couple of blocks near our hotel, there’s enough brain power to fuel a MENSA outlet mall.

So how is it that the people in power here make such stupid fucking decisions? Then sound so fucking stupid talking about them? Maybe they’re not active listeners.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Say Wot? British Stoner Stupidity

So a Brit feller texts his buddy to see if he “wanted to buy some reefer.” Guess the dealer hadn’t made the cut to new phone. See, the buddy had changed numbers. The old number now belongs to a police officer. Like any good copper, he responded that, yeah, sure, he’d love some. Arranged to meet the guy and busted him. Wah-wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaaaah.

You know, though, it’s probably the best thing that could happen to him. If he’s that retarded in his business and discretion skills, he probably wasn’t going to get the branch manager promotion anyway. Or maybe he just enjoyed dipping into his inventory.

I feel especially bad for the guy because I have a family member (extended) who accidentally texted me a series of oddly (and poorly) coded messages about “playing basketball at midnight.” He also talked about “bringing the girls.” It had long been rumored in our family that he was pimping and dealing on a very small scale. Like so many of his “startups” this one fell by the wayside. Hard to figure out why. I, of course, being the evil bitch that I am, texted him back repeatedly, altering the plan and changing the time. Then I stopped responding altogether. I had to go to bed.

Now, I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s and really, really, truly people, there aren’t any euphemisms left that are subtle enough to escape detection, yet still be understandable. So I kind of laud the guy for just saying, “Dude, want some reefer?” and not beating around the bush.

And I also must confess that I hate texting and culture around it. So I’m secretly glad that he got busted that way.

Someone should develop a national PSA campaign around the slogan, “Stupid People Shouldn’t Deal Drugs.” We could get Ann Coulter to be the spokesperson. That’d scare a stoner.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Thank You Sir! May I Have Another?

How Did I Miss This?

In 2006, a very high-profile professional dominatrix, Leona McConnell, claimed that she had "watched George W. Bush enthusiastically and expertly perform a homosexual act on another man, one Victor Ashe" in the mid-1980s? (Radar, the source of the story, refers to this as a “bro job”—a straight guy helping a buddy out. LOVE that.) Ashe was Bush's college roommate, apparently.

Okay, first of all—EWWWWWWWWWWW! That is NOT the image I want to have in my head for the rest of the day. Second of all, when has GW ever done anything “expertly?”

Seriously, though, I can’t even begin to imagine that George would have it in him (no pun intended). Now, it could be a situation like Robert Downey, Jr.’s character in Less than Zero, where the act was fueled by drugs and alcohol. Lord knows, I’ve certainly had some alcohol motivated regrets. And I’ve known a few cocky, Republican frat boy types who loved to take a walk on the wild side now and again. So I guess it IS conceivable.

But wait . . . what was a professional dominatrix doing in the room? Did we just bury the lead here? Whether the job was blow or bro, I want to know what else happened in that room.

Stop and think about it.

It’s obvious to the entire world that GW likes being told what to do. Maybe now we can see a pattern. What if Laura is a closet dom? THAT’S an image I could giggle over all day long. Demure, librarian First Lady by day—wicked lady with a whip by night. Or maybe Dick Cheney with a leather mask on as he walks into the Oval Office.

Don’t laugh. Republicans are waaaaaaay kinkier than the Dems ever think about being. The little vestibule where Clinton kept his cigars might be George’s playpen now.

Who knows what Hillary will find when she walks back into the White House.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Fresh Squeeze

Okay, how deliciously ironic would it be if OJ wound up in prison for his recent “reacquisition” of his sports merchandise. I was one of the millions of Americans consumed with his trial. I even read a couple of the post-mortem books, including the one by disgraced, “racist” copy Mark Fuhrman. I highly recommend the book. In it, Fuhrman argues that he is not a racist, and in fact was well-liked in the black community. He also says that he had never seen a murder case with more evidence pointing to guilt and that the D.A.’s office botched the prosecution horribly.

And now . . . just the stupidest fucking thing. Busting into someone’s hotel room to “get my stuff back.” ?!?!?!? Of course, if you’ve literally gotten away with murder, you probably think you’re pretty bullet proof.

Now, he may be facing a little hard time. Stay tuned. Should be fun to watch.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Attack, Part Deux

Josie, the lesbian from season two of Top Chef (not to be confused with the Pussycat) and her friends were followed out of a bar in Sea Cliff, NY and beaten by a group of young people who were shouting anti-gay slurs. Okay, this is disturbing on so many levels. First, the whole hate crime thing. Nobody deserves to be beaten simply for having a bad haircut and being mechanically inclined.

Second, NOTE TO YOUNG STRAIGHT PEOPLE--you would have to be a dumb motherfucker to pick a fight with a lesbian. That girl will KICK YOUR ASS. I’m sure if her straight sister hadn’t been with her, she would be wearing a new cap made of straight boy foreskin.

And now that I’ve gotten the cheap laughs out of the way, I want to ask a serious rhetorical question. Where’s the threat, people? What on earth does someone’s sexuality have to do with you, much less feel like a threat? Obviously, this isn’t the Psychology 101 blog, but damn.

And don’t you love that’s it’s always a group. Even fey Tucker Carlson, with his precious bow-tie and mop of hair, after thinking he was getting hit on in a public restroom, went and got a buddy to come back in and bang the guy’s head against a stall. Because these cowards are afraid that if they go solo, they might get their ass kicked. Or more likely, find themselves enjoying the close, physical same-sex contact.

Literal Attack of the Stupid People, Part Uno

Okay, first I have to go on record as saying that I am deeply opposed to interpersonal violence. With the exception of punching the odd bully, I’ve never seen fisticuffs solve anything.

But, for some reason, fighting is a badge of honor amongst the ignorati. Canned whoopass has long been a staple of the stupid man’s diet. And a couple of items in the news today only serve to reinforce my thesis.

Now, lest you think I’m talking about Kid Rock and Tommy Lee bitch-slapping each other over two midgets ‘rasslin’ in a bikini top, think again (I actually thought that was some funny shit. Good thing Tommy didn’t get his dick out, or Kid would have been facing more than assault charges).

No, I’m referring first to the two fellers in the Oklahoma bar, one of whom was wearing a University of Texas T-shirt, the other of whom was a rabid Sooners fan. Now, I must admit that I had pangs of “stupid motherfucker deserved it” for wearing such provocative attire. Seriously stupid move.

And this was Oklahoma after all, where the average IQ is generally lower than the temperature on any given day. But instead of simply saying stupid, sophomoric things to each other, the Okie tried to rip the nuts off of the Longhorn and nearly succeeded. Seriously. Left the guy bloodied and his boys hanging by a thread.

Chances are pretty good the Okie will be convicted, but I think the judge should get creative in the sentencing. I mean, come on, jail time isn’t going to impact this yokel. Anybody who would try to rip another man’s balls off over an argument about collegiate sports rivalries has probably already spent some time in the pokey.

Some suggestions:

Make HIM wear ONLY University of Texas apparel for the next 10 years.
Or, prohibit him from wearing ANY sports related clothing or attending any sporting event for 5 years.
Or, make him go back and finish the 4th grade.

Actually, they should just lock him up in jail in Texas. Half the folks in there are former Longhorn football players anyway. That would teach him a lesson.

Friday, September 7, 2007

. . . And Takin’ Names

I don’t know why ANYTHING stupid that GW does surprises me anymore. But, this may be my all time favorite, if for no other reason than to affirm, in jaw-dropping fashion, how ridiculously cocky and clueless our President is.

As we know, Bush is in Australia, the country that is kind of like a cooler cousin to the U.S., but with their own complete fucktard of a leader, but I digress.

Anyhoo, Bushie stopped by the Iraq on the way just to bolster the morale of the troops and, you know, check in. Then, after arriving in Australia, a conversation between Bush and a Deputy Prime Minister was caught by the press. When the fella asked Bush how it was going in the Iraq, Bush replied—SWEAR to God—“We’re kickin’ ass!”

Then he apparently went to a kegger.

Seriously, is he that deluded? You'd be hard pressed to find ANYONE who would even classify the war on Iraq as a success. But "We're kickin' ass?" Wow. Maybe he just got it backwards and meant to say, "We're getting our ass kicked." That would ccertainly make more sense.

This is the second thing Bush has said while Down Under that just floored me. The first was when he was walking into a formal dinner, accompanied by Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. He turned to Secretary Rice and said, “You can be my date.” WHA?!!? She’s the fucking Secretary of STATE, dude. He would never have said that to Colin Powell.

Oh, Dr. Rice! They ate your brain, didn’t they? January 20, 2009 can't come soon enough.

Fred Thompson’s campaign bumper sticker should say “I’m With Stupid.”

Appearing on Diane Sawyer last night, Thompson was asked how he would handle bin Laden and Al Qaeda differently than Bush’s people. Now, if you’re running for President, and terrorism is the major issue on people’s minds, don’t you think you would have that answer down pat? Apparently not. You be the judge:

Thompson: “You don't know what the president knows in terms of intelligence as to how they can pinpoint where Osama bin Laden is right now. I think the point is clearly he's there, clearly he's somewhere along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border and clearly he's still giving orders. And the even broader concern that Americans should have is that al-Qaida is still out there in the world. They're in western Europe, they're in the United States, they're in Iraq.

Iraq is a part of global effort, a global war that al-Qaida and radical fundamental Muslims have been carrying on against us for some time. We didn't pay much attention to it for a while but we are now and we're finding there's a global war going on against us. And we better figure out a way to contain it because it's going to be with us for a long time after Iraq.”

Thompson has said publicly that he wants to be seen as “Reagan’s Heir.” Well, Senator, I think you're well on your way. Hopefully, the American people won’t fall for it a second time, though.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Show The Baby The Buffet!

A poll this summer showed that 50% of parents who have overweight children aren’t aware that their kids are too fat. Can I get a big collective Scooby Doo “huunh?” What exactly DO they think when they can only see PART of their child in the mirror. Or when Tubbers keeps his homework in the folds of his stomach? Love is blind, for sure, but really?

Maybe I should start a sideline career as a “fat spotter.” I could just walk up to those clueless parents in the mall or in line at the Popeye’s Fried Chicken and say something sensitive, like, “My, he’s a jumbo lad, isn’t he?” Or, “that’s quite a large ass for an eight year old.”

Then I’d ask for a dollar.

With 25 million kids in the US considered overweight or obese, I’d have my work cut out for me. But with stupid people making more fat babies every day, I smell a cottage industry. If “fat” and “cottage” aren’t oxymoronic. (me? I’m pan-moronic). Or maybe that smell is something else.

Or MAYBE I could be a child walker. People pay buttloads of money in New York to have others walk their dogs, why not walk fat children for a little folding money. The really good dog walkers use rollerblades and handle, like, eight dogs at a time. I wonder how many fat children I could wrangle at once? Maybe if I hooked them to the front of a red wagon and made them pull me around. I could dangle a Pop Tart on a string in front of them to keep them moving—I’d never need my car . . .You know, I think I’m onto something. I could solve childhood obesity and global warming with one solution. No cars, just fat kids pulling wagons. Except what do I do when they get skinny?