Friday, December 29, 2006

Das ist Dumm!

Let me begin by digressing (is that possible?): CNN has turned into News of the Weird. It seems like everyday they are reporting on stupid acts by stupid people. Does that mean that stupid is the new normal? Or are the good folks at CNN secret operatives of the smart side? We’ll keep you informed as the story develops.

Yesterday, reported that a nice young German, 21-year-old Tobi Gutt, set off to visit his girlfriend in Sydney, Australia. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know how to spell “Sydney.” So much for the theory that Europeans are more worldly. Apparently he booked his ticket online to “Sidney.” As in “Montana.”

And the stupid just starts to stack up.

"I didn't notice the mistake as my son is usually good with computers," his mother, Sabine, told Reuters. COMPUTERS?!?!?! Lady, it was a SPELLING error. And anyone who read Mark Foley’s IM exchanges knows youth+computer=bad spelling and grammar. (See: LOL! BRB! U r 2!)

CNN is passing it off as a typo, but we all know better. Apparently, the Germans aren’t any better at teaching geography than we are in the U.S. Might have something to do with their maps still showing all their neighbors as “occupied.”

So, young Tobi finally figures it out as he is boarding a small COMMUTER flight from Billings to “Sidney,” probably thinking, “Gotteramerdung! How is my surfboard going to fit on this thing.”

"I did wonder but I didn't want to say anything," Gutt told the Bild newspaper. "I thought to myself, you can fly to Australia via the United States." Apparently with your head up your ass the whole way.

Sippin’ the Stupid Juice

Gotta love the liquor! It truly is the perfect accessory for the frequent flier. According to CNN, a man was arrested on a US Air flight Wednesday night for SLAPPING a fellow traveler. Problem was, the slap-ee was an undercover federal air marshal. WHA?! A full-grown man SLAPPED another man?

Okay—I’m GAY and EVEN I think slapping is a little girly. Was he French? Was he trying to challenge his fellow flyer to a duel?

Apparently the man is using the Dave Chapelle defense. “I was shimply trying to tell thish fella a JOKE,” slurred the man. Passengers nearby seemingly corroborated his story, saying he asked the undercover marshall, “What did the five fingers say to the face?” before slapping him and saying, “SLAP!” The drunken man continued, “I’m Rick James, bitch!” before being subdued by the sober, red-faced marshall.

The man is being detained in a Florida jail. He was assigned a cell with “Tiny,” a repeat offender with a high-libido. After locking the cell, the undercover marshall said, “Now who’s the bitch, bitch?”

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Different is a Four Letter Word

Okay, a lot of smart people do this, too. And it has to stop. “Different” is not a polite, all-purpose descriptive. In fact, it’s downright rude.

Q: “What do you think of my blog?”

A: “Well . . . it’s DIFFERENT!”

Wrong. Wrong. Oh so wrong.

Different’s evolution into an all-purpose critique has me baffled. Flummoxed. Speechless. Okay, maybe not speechless.

Originally, one said “It’s different” with an arched eyebrow, drops of sarcasm and irony falling from the corners of the mouth—like a combination of drool and that thing that happens when you think of a pickle. It was a bitchy rejoinder, dismissive and bordering on cruel. Now sweet southern ladies use it as an out. So they can offer commentary without (they think!) letting you know how distasteful they find it.

They’re still using the vocabulary correctly. They’ve just neutered it.

Now the great irony here is that Gentle Southern Ladies are MASTERS at sugar-coated insults. Everyone knows that any horrible thing you have to say about someone else can be completely construed as concern—as long as you say “Bless her heart” beforehand.

“Bless her heart! Her regular hairdresser must have been on vacation.”

“Bless her heart! I thought she’d gone on a diet.”

“Bless her heart! Her mama wasn’t real bright either.”

“Bless his heart! You know his wife has slept with every man in town—and half the women!”

You get the picture. So why, oh why can’t they put the irony back in "different?"

It’s like telling an artist his work is “so creative.” HELLO! He IS creative. Or telling a businesswoman her presentation was “very professional.” That’s pretty much a minimum expectation.

So come up with a different euphemism for “ugh!” My friend Ritmo wrinkles her nose and makes a soft “blech” sound. Not terribly attractive, but effective communication.

Of course, if you wanted to go softer, maybe “Wow. Not exactly my cup of tea, but I see where you’re coming from.” Or, “Not really diggin’ it.” Or, “Dude! That sucks.”

At least it would be honest communication. And that would be different.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Smells Like Stupid

So, I’m at the gym last week (No, I don’t just sit around in my underwear all day, eating Cheetos and wondering what else I can bitch about—although that does sound fun!) and I had one of those moments that just sends me into apoplexy. A woman walked by wearing WAY too much perfume. Cheap perfume. Nasty, allergy-inducing, sticks-on-your-skin-can’t-get-it-off cheap perfume.

And I wondered, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? That the eligible men here are going to be so captivated by your “scent” that they will overlook the fact that your ASS is about the size of small travel trailer? That’s HOT!

Okay, let’s do a little Birds and the Bees 101, Gym Edition.

First of all, most men at the gym are more interested in what’s in their own locker room.

Second, people who work out are mostly drawn to other people who work out—people who are actually fit, or on their way there. Although, I must say you deserve kudos for showing up. It’s half the battle—but I digress.

Wearing a fragrance is not bad, in and of itself. But it’s one of those “small doses” things. (Clouds of perfume that arrive before you do aren’t attractive, people!)

Of course, Britney, Celine Dion and Paris Hilton would probably disagree with me.

Britney’s new one is called Fantasy. Her old one was called Curious. I’m guessing “Barefoot Retard” or “Coon-Ass Cooch Flash” didn’t test market well. Although I bet “White Trash” would sell a bundle. Seriously.

Celine Dion? Rene likes it!

Sarah Jessica Parker? Antonio Banderas? Derek Jeter? Uh . . . okay.

Stunningly--and inexplicably--even Carlos Santana has a fragrance. Because I’m pretty sure lots of people look at Carlos and think—I want to smell like HIM!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to mix up a little olfactory cocktail of David Beckham and Jennifer Lopez. I’m going to call it Bend Lo.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Dateline Louisiana

The parents of a child whose toes were bitten off by a family pet have become embroiled in an argument over which of their pets—a pit bull pup or a ferret—actually committed the act.

The mother, Mary Hansche told a local TV station, "The way the bite marks were on her foot, the ferret being out of its cage, I knew it wasn't the dog." Holding out her hand to show a missing finger, she added, “This is what the dog bite looks like.”

Her husband, Christopher Hansche, still blames the dog, claiming that the ferret had been in its cage all night. "She needs to just shut the hell up. I work for a livin'."

When asked whether the dog had also inflicted the cuts and bruises on her face, Mrs. Hansche said, “Naw, that’s just me and Chris’ way of workin' it out. He's been under a lot of stress.” She quickly added, “It's my own fault. It don’t mean he don’t love me!”

There was no word whether their mobile home was damaged in the fracas.

Stupid is the Universal Language

On the other side of the country, CNN is reporting that a woman traveling through LAX placed her one-month old baby into one of those plastic airport bins, and put it through the x-ray machine at the security checkpoint.

The woman and child were rushed to a local hospital, where x-rays showed the baby to be fine. The TSA security agent said, "I could have told you that."

In the mother's defense, she didn’t speak or read English. And doesn’t get out much.

Through a translator, the woman said, “I could see my baby’s bones! It was just like Dia de los Muertos!”

When asked for comment, Virginia Congressman Virgil Goode said, “X-ray-o your baby-o back home-o—no, wait I didn’t mean to say ‘homo’—I think that means something different in English and Spanish. DAMN IT! You know this would have never happened if we had a wall to keep these people out. Half of ‘em look like Muslims anyway.”

Banner Day in Stupid

I haven’t even finished my first cup of coffee, but CNN has given me an early Christmas present. First, ASWCFTS (another stupid white congressman from the South), Rep. Virgil Goode (How perfect is that name?!?!?) The Gentleman from Virginia has suggested in a letter to supporters that without immigration reform "we will have many more Muslims in the United States." This is in response to newly elected Minnesota Congressman Keith Ellison’s request to be sworn in using the Quran instead of a Bible.

“If American citizens don't wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Quran,” Said Congressman Goode (Not Evil).

The best part? Wait for it! Congressman Ellison is an African American, born right here in the good ol’ US and A. He’s the progeny of hard-working folks who, coincidentally, Congressman Goode’s WASP-y ancestors BROUGHT TO THIS COUNTRY BY FORCE to do the work the citizens felt was beneath them.

(By the way, Congressman “Goode,” the part of that episode that was offensive was the FORCED part. Current immigrants are filling the menial jobs VOLUNTARILY. I’d think this would be a Virginian’s wet dream. But you look like you haven’t had a wet anything since Eisenhower was President.)

The Congressman’s letter also said, "The Ten Commandments and 'In God We Trust' are on the wall in my office. As long as I have the honor of representing the citizens of the 5th District of Virginia in the United States House of Representatives, the Quran is not going to be on the wall of my office.'” Might I suggest a copy of the Constitution?

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

'Tis the Season to be Stupid

So if you were wondering if the stupid people are really attacking, get out amongst them this holiday season and watch your doubt evaporate like Star Jones’ career. The Generalissimos of Stupid have placed extra troops on the street—I’m sure of it.

I'll be the first to admit it. The holidays bring out the stupid in all of us. And today made me realize how grateful I am for my little home on a hill—with a FUCKING WALL AROUND IT!

But, given the season, I wanted to send out some special greetings a few days early.

Merry Christmas to the 90-pound soccer mom in the GIANT white Suburban. I, too, find it much easier to drive my behemoth at freeway speeds when I’m holding my cell phone in my right hand and gesturing excitedly with my left. And that toddler in the car seat—ADORABLE!

Now, I’ll cop to having driven with my knee on occasion, but sweetie, if you want a car that will drive itself, you might want to check out the new Lexus. Imagine—parallel parking without telling Bitsy from the club to “hold on a sec while I bump into a couple of cars!”

Happy Holidays also to the Barbie wanna-be (News Flash: NEVER gonna happen with those split ends, chica!) in the blue Subaru (again—NOT Barbie’s dream car) who prevented me from merging onto the freeway. Traffic was moving at a brisk 28 miles per hour. Backed up for miles. But she GLARED at me and inched her car forward so that I wouldn’t even THINK about pulling in front of her. Way to save those milliseconds!

Feliz Navidad to the nice gentleman working on the construction site down the street, who chose to park his car INCHES from my mailbox, (forcing my mail carrier to contort himself in ways usually not seen outside of certain districts in Bangkok) then flopping his seat back for a nap, flashing what surely was an almost full-term pregnancy for all passer by. Nice.

And speaking of mail carriers, a SPECIAL wish to the folks at the post office. Since it is the season to pick up packages, they have turned off the buzzer at the "will call" window. After standing there for five minutes with no response and watching the line for the postal windows grow longer and longer, a fine, upstanding postal worker opened the door and said to me, "You can't pick up your package here. You have to go to a window." When I pointed out to him that all the posted signs indicated the contrary, he shrugged and closed the door. I really, really hope Santa comes down your chimney HARD.

To the receptionist who had her back to the door when I walked in, but continued to PICK HER TOES for another 20 seconds or so, before acknowledging me--her customer—HO, HO, HOPE you get that DIY mani/pedi set you’ve had your eye on.

And to the student, exercising his pedestrian rights by using the crosswalk during the “Don’t Walk” cycle, thereby blocking traffic—Peace be with you. Or on you.

Joy to the world. And God I fear the cold winter ahead. They mate when it’s cold. And come next Autumn, we’ll have a fresh crop of tow-heads with creatively misspelled names.

And to all you smart people out there—have another eggnog. It helps if you’re stupid drunk.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Christan Coalition Ousts Do-Gooder

I received a nice email from my friend NOLA GUY. He wanted to make sure I’d seen Frank Rich’s column “Mary Cheney’s Bundle of Joy.” Quite a good read, as is most of Mr. Rich’s work.

Somewhere near the end of the article, there was one sentence that caught my eye.

“The Christian Coalition parted ways with its new president-elect, a Florida megachurch pastor, Joel Hunter, after he announced that he would take on bigger issues like poverty and global warming.”


You see, The Coalition (spawn of Pat Robertson) wants to focus solely on the high-impact issues of abortion and same-sex marriage. Uh-huh. I know. God’s work.

According to Rich’s article, “Dr. Hunter said his departure from the Christian Coalition indicated his belief in the rise of an evangelical Christian constituency that is less interested in the passage of certain laws and focused instead on ‘living what Jesus would do.’“

Now I already figured that the Christian Coalition is on God’s list of “Yeah . . . not my best work,” but THEY PARTED WAYS with a leader who wanted to use their considerable might to ease suffering on a global scale.

Now, I think we’d all acknowledge that there is consderable power in religion (Hey, I read The DaVinci Code), but wouldn’t it be great if those who wear their Christianity like a giant glow stick around their neck would use their powers for good and not evil? For uniting, not dividing, as their secular leader (or is he non-secular—I get confused), GW BUSH is so fond of saying?

(that panting sound you hear is me NOT holding my breath)

“We’re a political organization, and there’s a way to do things . . .” said Roberta Combs, Chairwoman of the Christian Coaltion. “Joel had a different way of doing things . . .”

Hey, Lady! (best read in vintage Jerry Lewis voice)—you’re supposed to be a CHRISTIAN, i.e. a follower of CHRIST. And there’s a little thing called separation of Church and State. Keep your chocolate out of our peanut butter! (And someone check on their tax-free status!!!)

Hunter called the split “amicable.” How Christian of him.

BREAKING NEWS: Sources close to the Coalition have revealed exclusively to AOTSP that they are in talks with The Farting Preacher to become their next president. His positions are said to be much more in line with the values of their constituency.

EXTRA: Now, smart, smart readers, if you want a big, fat chuckle, search Google images for a picture of the Divine Miss Roberta Combs. Why is it that hardcore Christian women always look like a hillbilly version of a lipstick lesbian? And you know in your hearts, YOU KNOW that no one but a big ol’ back-country queen could have done that hair! OMG! Where’s her synthesizer? I want to pogo!

Friday, December 15, 2006

The Devil Went Down to Georgia. Couldn't Handle the Humidity.

Okay, so you have to check out today. There is another one of those “Harry Potter Casts a Spell on Georgia Kids” lawsuits.

Apparently, this woman, Laura Mallory, “a mother with children” (as opposed to . . .?!?!) sued the school to get Potter the hell out of Georgia. She believes that Jo Rowling’s work promotes violence and witchraft. Curiously, the lawsuit mentioned nothing about high school football.

Now first of all, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN woman? The rest of the world is anxiously awaiting the release of the FINAL* book in the series. Daniel Radcliffe is now a young adult, removing his clothes nightly on stage in London’s West End. (The Devil Made Him Do It!), and the 5th film is about to be released. I think you missed the Hogwarts Express on this one.

Then, of course, there’s the whole idea of “witchcraft and wizardry” as anything other than FICTION. Listen, I’ve known a few “white witches” in my day (who else is going to smudge your house?). News flash: it’s just a code for “groovy-woovy lesbian.” They won’t hurt you.

Point #2: Given the time lapse between the release of HP and the Sorcerer’s Stone, has there been a rash of 11 year olds casting spells and mixing potions? If so, clue me in, because I have a 9 year old who would give his left (as yet undescended) nut for a chance to go to Hogwarts.

Point #3: Lady, these are some of the most affirming, sweetest, most magical (in a Disney way—don’t get your panties in a wad!) stories I’ve ever read. Did you bother to READ the ---oh, what am I saying. She’s from BFE Georgia. Of course she didn’t read it. It’s on what, a third grade level?

So she sued. Ahh, Litigation! The Great American Pastime for stupid people. It gets better. She represented herself in the case (either she was overcome with hubris or the local attorneys don’t take canned goods or live chickens in payment). And upon hearing the ruling, she had this to say, “"I didn't do a good enough legal job because I didn't hire a lawyer."

What’s the old saying about “fool for a client?”

*(#7 is nearly finished. One of the rumored titles is Harry Potter and the Toenail of Ickilbogg—that makes me giggle. But I have it on excellent authority, i.e. The Leaky Cauldron website, that the name will not involve toenails)

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I Think My Tab is in the Wrong Slot

Okay, today, I’m feeling like the stupid person. Why? Because today, I have to FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS!!

And I think this is particularly timely, given the season, because millions of folks across the world will be required to either, a) assemble a gift for someone else (usually a child or a boozy stepmother) or, b) learn to operate (and by “operate”, I mean “turn on”) a gift bestowed upon them by someone who purports to love them.

I think people who write instructions must be some of the most miserable bastards on the planet. They’re obviously smart, smart, smart. But not heading for a Pulitzer any time soon (unlike several of their college pals, who send them smug Holiday cards and chain letters referencing their “editors” and “publishers”—but I digress--although surely there is a professional awards show for Instruction Writers).

So they do what most miserable, smart people do. They create their own community of miserable people, by writing the most perverse, hard-to-follow, ostensibly simple BULLSHIT INSTRUCTIONS!!! And you become one with their misery.

14 pages that fold out from a single printed sheet, half facing one way, half facing the other. It’s difficult, at best to know which PAGE comes next. Trying to follow the numbers becomes a Sisyphean task, constantly doubling back on yourself like an Amsterdam tourist fresh from the “coffee house.”

It’s evil. Pure and unadulterated. But, I offer here a solution to all the instruction writers of the world: GET A BLOG! Take out all that frustration on cyberspace—and the half-dozen or so people who will actually read what you write.

OR, you could catch a FUCKING CLUE and maybe, just once, write something that was clear, concise and easy to follow. But where would be the fun in that?

Oh, and by the way, the illustrations don’t help. And there’s a special place in Hell reserved for those guys, too.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

I'm Stupid. And I Vote.

Republicans LOVE stupid people. It’s no secret that the red states hover near the bottom of almost every educational scale yet devised. And we all know that stupid people react to fear-based messaging (LOOK, a witch—somebody burn her! Not a CROSS, dumb-ass, a WITCH! Burn the WITCH!) Oops. Tangent. Sorry.

No, the Republicans love the stupidos because they can manipulate them by threatening their lifestyle. (And what a lifestyle: home schooling in a trailer, with an open box of stale store-brand Wheat-eez on the kitchen table, a pack of Salem’s on the counter next to a rebel-flag-motif lighter, a tube of mullet styling gel on the bathroom sink, next to the unopened birth control pills—you get the picture).

So the Republicans use fear to drive these poor folks to the polls. They say that guns are good, ‘cuz ya gotta hunt and fish. And protect yourself in the need of a militia. They say that welfare recipients are eating your children’s food. And the gays getting married are going to threaten the very existence of your loving, stable homelife.

AND IT WORKS!!! All across the nation a mass of people best described as a dentist’s wet dream are VOTING. It’s their right. And I’m glad they do. I just wish the smart people did.

Meanwhile, in a beautiful show of sleight-of-hand, the Republicans are drawing more African Americans and Hispanics and Gays than ever before. How? By simply saying, “Hmm, the Democrats. Now weren’t they the ones who promised they’d look out for you? Bang up job their doing, eh?”


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I Shit You Not!

Okay, part of the responsibility of running this blog will be, from time to time, a little lesson in etiquette. I have no intention of being Emily Post or Miss Manners*, but SERIOUSLY people--can you not figure out the basics?!?!?!

Today, I found myself in the awkward position of being one stall over from a guy chatting loudly on his cell phone. Lovely. For you dear readers of the fairer sex, men's rooms are NOTHING like your facilities. Men barely control their bodily functions in public, so imagine indelicate nature of what goes on behind closed men's room doors. So, add to that symphony of sound a conversation between a man and his fantasy football buddy about a particular running back's performance this past weekend. Apparently the fella was running so fast "it was a blur" (I'm sure that "blur" had nothing to do with his mass consumption of cheap domestic beer.) And when they replayed it in slo-mo "he looked like he was running full speed--I SHIT YOU NOT!" Excuse me?!?! Yes, he really said it. And without a trace of irony.

Of coure stupid people don't use irony. Or irons. Or floss. But that's another post.

*speaking of irony, I grew up LOVING the smug irony of Judith Martins, a.k.a. Miss Manners. I loved that her tongue was deeply planted in her cheek that she looked like she was from East Texas. Then I saw her live. And I was horrified. The bitch was SERIOUS. Not a trace of sarcasm. Not a trace of irony. Not a trace of humor. And if I hadn't figued out I was gay by then . . .

Monday, December 11, 2006

I'm The Father of Mary Cheney's Baby

Okay? There it's said. Now will the stupid fuckers at Focus on the Family please SHUT THE HELL UP?

I'm sure there was no way anyone could miss news of the blessed event last week. The lovely Mary Cheney has gone and got herself knocked up. THAT I have no quarrel with. Congrats, Mary and Heather! It's about time you two stopped "practicing" and hit one out of the park!

No, my quarrel begins with the "liberal" media (and by "liberal", I mean "lap dogs of the right") using the scary rantings of a fringe organization as their balance to the story (this WILL be the subject of a later post, believe you me.) They actually quoted a spokesWOMAN from FOF saying that it was a disgrace blah, blah. That's totally to-be-expected rhetoric

And why I let the FOF get under my skin is beyond me, but here we go:

"Carrie Gordon Earll, a policy analyst for the conservative Christian ministry Focus on the Family, expressed empathy for the Cheney family but depicted the pregnancy as unwise. (I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER, GIVEN THE SEASON, IF PERHAPS THE THREE UNWISE MEN WILL PAY MARY A VISIT)

"Just because you can conceive a child outside a one-woman, one-man marriage doesn't mean it's a good idea," Earll said.

"Love can't replace a mother and a father."

WHA?!?!?! Not even close to being a biblical scholar here, but isn't it buried in the scripture somewhere, something along the lines of "above all else, love?"

I think the FOF is really stupid ALL the time, but I especially love it when stupid people trip themselves up on their own platform!

So, in an effort to SHUT Ms. Earll's pie hole (I hope it pisses her off that I used Ms.) I am ready to announce publicly that I am the father of Mary Cheney's child. Even though I've never met her. And I'm pret-ty darn certain my seed hasn't been spilled anywhere near Virginia this year. (No, Virginia is not a euphemism, but still true even if it were) .

So now there's a mother AND a father. Although I'm pretty sure either Mary Cheney or Heather Poe are waaaay more butch than I could ever be. God I hope they don't ask for Child Support.

It's War!

Howdy, folks! How many times a day do you come across rampant stupidity--the kind that makes you think the shallow end of the gene pool is getting more crowded than the deep end? If you're anything like me, it's PLENTY. So, I've started a blog. Hallelujah. I know. Just what the world needs. Now, if you think you're smarter than me, you probably are. And if you have an opinion that differs from mine, spill it. But, remember one thing: the point of all this is to give us a chuckle. To not let that crazy person driving 40 mph in the passing lane make us the crazy person behind them.

We're all in this together. It's US vs. THEM. And I swear to God, I think they're winning.

So, as the battle rages in Iraq, let's start fighting back against the insurgency right here at home--THE ATTACK OF THE STUPID PEOPLE!