Thursday, March 25, 2010

Chasing a New Demographic

Okay, if you are not a teenage girl this post will seem completely irrelevant.

Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato are SO not a couple. After watching their painfully derivative performance on American Idol last night, i was shocked at the complete and utter lack of chemistry between the two of them. Could it possibly be that they are a made-up Hollywood couple, proffered solely as a means of publicity for their shiteous new single? Shocking, I know.

Did you see when he put his arm around her? It was like his entire body was saying, "ewww." I know. Me too.

What? You didn't see it? Oh, you must have one of those things . . . what's it called? Oh, yeah....A LIFE.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

It Would Be Funny If They Didn’t All Carry Guns

Yahoo published the results from a brand new Harris Poll of self-described Republicans. It has the most comedic results ever. Or the most pathetic.

I can’t decide.

It’s more of the “belief” overtaking proven fact and reality. Are you ready?

67 percent of Republicans (and 40 percent of Americans overall) believe that Obama is a socialist.

Except that he isn’t.

57 percent of Republicans (32 percent overall) believe that Obama is a Muslim.

[Even though they themselves tried to tie him to his fiery Christian minister after said minister made a few poorly thought out statements]

45 percent of Republicans (25 percent overall) agree with the Birthers in their belief that Obama was "not born in the United States and so is not eligible to be president."

[Again, not even close. And do we really think Hilary would have let this one slide if it had even a shred of possible truth?]

38 percent of Republicans (20 percent overall) say that Obama is "doing many of the things that Hitler did."

[I’m guessing that close to 100% of those folks could only tell you two things Hitler did: gas jews and gays. Doesn’t really remind me of Obama. Actually reminds of Republicans.]

Scariest of all, 24 percent of Republicans (14 percent overall) say that Obama "may be the Antichrist."

[If they be the “Christians,” then one can only hope.]

The article goes on to say, “Respondents without a college education are vastly more likely to believe such claims, while Americans with college degrees or better are less easily duped. It's a reminder of what the 19th-century educator Horace Mann once too-loftily said: "’Ignorance breeds monsters to fill up the vacancies of the soul that are unoccupied by the verities of knowledge.’"

I’m liking Mr. Mann.

Monday, March 22, 2010

What Passes for Sports News

The headline: “Swedish Curler Fails Doping Test at Paralympics.”

File Under: Who the fuck cares.

I mean, seriously? First of all it’s CURLING? What kind of drugs do you take to improve your performance in CURLING? A sleeping pill? A bong hit? Second of all, it’s the Paralympics. I know it’s not polite to have double-standards for the para-people, but dear God, aren’t they entitled to a little somethin’ somethin’?

And why do we worry so much about “enhancing” drugs for professional athletes? I’m still riled about congressional hearings on steroid use in Pro Baseball. Don’t we have bigger fish to fry? I mean, professional athletes have trainers and nutritionists and physios and coaches and more. But god forbid they “juice up.”

Which of course, begs question: did the doping paracurler win?

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The (Not So) Good Sam

Had to do a little client traveling this week. And while airports are usually the mother lode for post topics, it was actually the rental car counter that gave me this gem of customer service.

I was cheerily greeted by Sam, welcoming to WonkyWagonWental. Sam took my license and credit card, then began his routine of routine conversation. “You’re from Austin, huh?”

“Yes, but I’m in the process of moving to California.”

“Oh! California’s nice. Are you moving out there for work . . . retirement . . .?”

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!? You just asked me if I’m RETIRED? Fuck me. No, fuck you! AARP hasn’t even started sending me solicitations yet, and they start when you’re FIFTY!!

Oh, Sam, Sam, Sam. Your mama would not be proud. Of course you probably tried to bury her when she was in her early sixties.

“Now, mama, simmer down. It’s inevitable. Might was well go ahead and get ‘er done now. We’re burning daylight.”

As I walked to my car, all I could think was, "if that motherfucker gave me a Buick . . ."

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Power to the Stupid People

Rick Perry won the Texas GOP Gubernatorial primary outright against a well-funded, pretty well-respected US Senator from Texas. No runoff. He'll now face Democrat Bill White in the November coronation, er, I mean general election.

Perry's win in November (trust me, any other outcome would be a miracle. The Dems didn't even field viable candidates in every statewide race.) makes him the longest serving governor in Texas history. And the only one other than Ann Richards to have gay rumors spread about him.

Perry is now being mentioned as a potential Republican nominee in 2012.

I will say the same thing I said when GW Bush was being given the same push. OH SHIT! At the time I didn't think we Americans were really daft enough to elect W. And then we did it twice.

Please God, smart people!! Let's derail this train before it gets out of the station. If you live in Texas, go get a Bill White bumper sticker, write a check and volunteer. Put a sign in your yard, host a party--DO WHATEVER YOU CAN. This isn't just about the future of my dear home state. Think about the bigger picture. After all, Karl Rove is back in Austin.

Mitt Romney is STREET, Yo!

I know this is old news, but I’ve been dying to write about it. Apparently, Mitt Romney, of the sacred underwear and failed presidential bid, wants you to know that he’s not afraid to get jiggy. Or down. Or hood. Or crunk. Or whatever word you think he should use to make him seem more urban. Or relevant.

It seems that a rapper type in the seat in front of him refused to put his seat in the full, upright and locked position prior to take-off. Being the fine, upstanding Republican (who probably prefers his seat back to be in the full, upright and locked position throughout the flight in order to keep the stick up his ass) conservative that he is, Mitt felt that he should step in and rectify the situation. By placing his hand on the young man’s shoulder.

But apparently, he picked the wrong muthafuckin’ attention whore publicity hound to go off on. You see, this wasn’t just ANY wannabe, this was Berry Motherfuckin’ Gordy’s nephew. That’s right. NEPHEW. Which makes him Rockwell’s cousin, if that’s of any interest to you guys. You remember Rockwell . . . he was the one-hit wonder who got his one hit by singing the verse no one remembers around Michael Jackson’s uncredited (but completely unmistakeable) chorus. “I always feel like . . . somebody’s watching meeeeeee.” And cue the money with the googly eyes.

Of course the entire altercation was about as white bread as you can possibly get. And honestly, it just gave the rich nephew even less street cred than he already had (which is apparently putting him into the negative).

Police were called, of course. Romney did his best Ward Cleaver impression, while the most likely overeducated rapper, after reciting the ubiquitous, “Get off me man!!, pulled the officers aside and explained his relevance and dire need for publicity of this kind.

Oh, BTW--his name is Sky Blu, which is only sliiiiightly more street than his real name, Skyler Gordy. Bwahhahahahahaha. Sorry. And his group? LMFAO. No, that’s the name of the group. Yes, that’s what I’m doing, but that’s really the name of his group.

Apparently, all was forgiven. Romney managed to get his “garments” out of his crack and no one has heard from Gordy since. And I’m sure it will stay that way.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Where Ladies Who Like Ladies Go On Vacation

California living has been quite the adventure. Still exploring, and probably will be for years. Our little hamlet is very well situated for access to city, mountains, ocean, bay, wine, garlic and bad drivers.

A couple of weeks ago, the offspring came out for his birthday weekend. (OMG, y’all—only one more year left before the TEENAGES—crikey!) We decided to head up to the mountains for a bit of snow skiing.

On the way home, we were trailing a couple of lipstick lesbians in a cherry-red Mercedes convertible. Even thought it was the middle of winter, they had the top down. To be fair, it was a bit warm for winter and, you know, lesbians are tough like that.

Since it was just a little two lane road through the mountains, I was paying close attention to the activities of all the other drivers, especially the ladies, who were directly in front of me. As we approached an intersection, our ladyfriends made a sudden deviation in course, deciding to hang a quick left at this random intersection in the middle of nowhere.

As they turned, I saw a sign and it all became clear. Apparently, this is where one turns to go to Moaning Caverns.

I see.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Faking My Olygasm (or LOLympics)

OMG. Thank God the Olympics are over. (I’m sorry, I mean the “winter Olympic games.” Technically only the SUMMER games can be called the Olympics. But only Jacques Rogge and some Dutch woman with a wooden shoe in her ass actually insist on the distinction.)

Yesterday, I spent the better part of two hours watching a tape delayed telecast of a marathon on skis. WTF? And of course, there’s no counter-programming. No one even bothers to put ANYTHING else on TV for the two weeks. Being a sports fan in general, though, it was seriously disappointing to know the results of every event before the telecast even began.

So I guess my beef isn’t so much with the Big O’s as much as it is with NBC. The laziness with which they covered these games was appalling. They had obviously identified the “stories” of the games, built their packages and rammed ‘em down our throats, regardless of the outcomes of the races. Lindsey Vonn is the BEST BLONDE SKIER EVER!! Doesn’t matter that one of her teammates (whose name I can’t remember) actually out skied her. LINDSEY VONN!

And I totally get rooting for the home team, but the O’s are supposed to transcend borders. Yet, NBC’s team would go to any length to get the AMERICAN story in each event.

“Uter Hundrlinr has just shattered the world record!!! But look at that AMERICAN, young Jimmy Whippersnapper! He said himself that anything better than a 30th place finish would be a personal triumph. And he’s at 28!!!!! WHAT A STORY!!!” Yeah, there's a headline for you.

Unless of course it was the Austrian skier who had almost died or something and here he was now winning everything. Uh . . . dudes? Just because you’re broadcasting this during the day doesn’t mean it has to be like daytime television.

And how many fucking hours of curling did you broadcast? Sweet Jesus. When I saw that funny commercial about the broadcasters getting all psyched for curling, I thought it was a parody. I didn’t realize there was this pent-up demand.

And then there was Apolo OHNO HE DI-INT. Yes, 8 medals is amazing. But he didn’t skate all that well and got two of his medals because other people fell in front of him. Not exactly the kind of achievement you want to skate around the rink holding up your counting fingers for. Didn’t see Michael Phelps do that. And he won that many GOLDS. In one Olympics. But he does have a great ass. I’d give him a medal for that.

Slumber of the Sleepy Bear

YAWN!!! Streeeeeetch! Growl. Aw, c'mon. You know bears hibernate in the winter. Plus, this bear had to find a new cave in a different forest. But spring is almost here. The trees are starting to bloom. And this bear is ready to shake off the lethargy and get back to business.