Wednesday, March 18, 2009

How Can Something So Wrong Feel So . . . Wronger?

Call me callous if you will, but I’m kinda burned out on all the missing child stories. Maybe it’s because that’s Nancy Grace’s stock in trade and I hate her so bad that I’d rather have Rachael Ray talk me through a meal. Never mind, just shoot me if those are the two options. But let me eat the food.

But I digress. Apparently, a little cracker girl named Haleigh (note to parents: if your child’s name rhymes with Schmaley, you might want to double up on your security. First Caylee, now this. Who’s next? Bayley? SheLayleigh? Maelee?) went missing last month from her home. The last person to see her was her 17 year-old babysitter, Misty Croslin, who also happened to be her father’s girlfriend. Are you with me so far?

Well, apparently, the ordeal has brought the couple closer together. A week ago Sunday, AT THE LOCAL CHILI’S, Haleigh’s dad, Cracker—er, I mean, Ronald—got down on one knee and proposed. She said yes, they ordered some chili cheese fries and they began planning their blessed event.

“How’s Wednesday for you?”

“Well, I don’t get out of trade school until 2:30, so it’ll have to be after that. And I gotta be at the Wal-Mart to work by 6.”

Seriously. They waited three whole days to get married? They must have been sticking to old "no butt sex until marriage" vow. And guess what else? 17 year-old Cracker—er, I mean, Misty—had to get her mother’s signature because she was under age.

Meanwhile, there’s still a child missing. Of course, maybe the little girl just got tired of rolling her eyes and decided to go hang out at the Octo Mom’s house, knowing how hard it is to accurately count to fourteen, when all of the countees are in constant motion.

Even the new step-mom acknowledged that the timing might take some by surprise. "Everybody is probably going to take this marriage thing the wrong way," Crac—er, Croslin--said. "This is what Haleigh wanted. She has always talked about it, and even if she's not with us, she is still with us."

Hunh? Man, that 8th grade education shore is comin’ in handy.

Of course, Gramma Cracker had to get in on the action. She went on the record with none other than Crack(er) Attorney and Heavily Accented Talking Head, Nancy Grace.

"My grandchildren, both Haleigh and Junior (really?!?!), have very often said that they would love for their daddy to marry Misty and that they wanted Misty to be their mommy. And so I feel like they are just trying to fulfill a wish for Haleigh so that when she comes home she will have that extra happiness to come home to."

Ronald, Misty, Junior and Haleigh. I can see the Olan Mills portrait now.

Appearing on a different show, with a different talking (cracker) head, the Granny Get Your Gun thought the missing child was really missing out on some fun. "It's an event that Haleigh really should be at, but when she comes home, we'll have a great big wedding so she can be the flower girl and see it all again."

Or maybe you just could have waited until she was found before you moved on with your life there in Hooterville.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Pope Fucks Up Again

In spite of all my rantings to the contrary, I think that religion can serve a very useful purpose. Mostly in the area of coping, where one can hand off one’s worries to a “higher power” and in the areas of moral compass. The problem lies with those whose compass doesn’t ever move. It always points in only one direction, with no room for outside facts or influence.

Those people would probably call this faith. I tend to think of it more as The Ostrich Syndrome.

The latest example is Her Highness Princess Redpradashoes, also knows as Pope Benedict. BTW, if you’re a hard-core Catholic, you might want to navigate away, or just go ahead and damn me to a fiery hell in the comments section.

The Popita is on a visit to Africa and the first damn thing she had to say was that condom use isn’t the answer to the AIDS crisis in Africa. Now, I haven’t actually had sex with the Pope, but according to my sources, Miss Cardinal was quite the habituĂ© of the gay scene in Rome. Once he ascended to the papacy, he of course returned to the celibate life all popes live (bwah-ha-ha-ha). And I’m guessing that the only reason he lived long enough to become pope was the fact that he used a condom while he was “ministering” to the flock. Also known as flocking.

Once upon a time, the church was like government. They were the moral authority, the civic authority and a way of creating community and fellowship. However, the world has changed. And archaic traditions for the sake of tradition should only be trotted out on special occasions, like . . . Saint Patrick’s Day!

And as fun as sex is, if it qualifies as a “special occasion,” then you’re not getting enough. Which may be exactly the point for Pope Prissypants. Your role in this world is to DO GOOD. NOT EVIL. But I guess that’s hard to figure out when you went to Nazi Youth camp as a boy.

Friday, March 13, 2009

New Vocabulary Words

I like words. (Obviously). But I especially like new words. Not bullshit words like WYSIWYG or QWERTY, but words that actually mean something. Words that are abundantly clear the first time you see or hear them. So, I present to you the TWO new AOTSP vocabulary words.

Hatefuck. No, this is not what you do with your ex. It's like a clusterfuck, only with bad intentions. Courtesy of Jon Stewart. I'll be sprinkling it liberally in future posts.

Groupidity. Brilliant. Needs no explanation. Pompous and Pious Christians and Republicans are especially adept at this. And Alabamans.

What are your favorite vocabulary words in the AOTSP lexicon?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

It Doesn't Get Any More Real

I’ve steadfastly avoided coverage of the “Octo-mom,” (with the exception of Jimmy Kimmel’s absolutely hilarious video, if you haven’t seen it, go find it. Awesome!). I just felt like she was too big a trainwreck and I didn’t want to contribute to the hype in any way. Granted she is a perfect candidate for inclusion in this forum, given that she is a gigantic retard. And I mean that in the most biased, insulting way.

But over the last couple of days, I’ve actually come to believe that she does, in fact, deserve her own reality show. I mean, interest is still super high, based on the fact that she’s all over the internet, even on legitimate news sites. And Jon and Kate seem to be drawing an audience (completely fucking baffles me, but oh well). So why the fuck not. At least then maybe she’ll be out of the news and on her show, which I won’t have to watch.

I would, however, like to offer a few suggestions for the structure of the show. Since Hollywood mansions always seem to be available for reality shows, move her ass into one of them. Don’t give it to her, just let her live there for the duration of the season. If she performs in the ratings, she gets renewed and she gets to stay in the house for another cycle.

Add a twist by having a contest to find the perfect sassy nanny. Start off with 14 contestants, one for each of her litter. But each week, one contestant will get voted off and the other nannies will have to take on extra duties. The top contestant in a given week will get to choose which child he or she would like to nanny in the following week.

Ideally, we would wind up with a south-of-the border sassy nanny, who would mutter epithets in Spanish under her breath, HATING every minute she’s in the same room with Mama Lips, but giving the babies some real love.

We could also cast the fertility doctor as the wacky next-door neighbor who would pop by and say clever things like, “Hey neighbor, can I borrow some eggs?” See? It’s a surefire hit!

Of course, in subsequent seasons we would see the children removed from the house by Child Protective Services and placed in a variety of foster homes and different adoptive situations.

The possibilities are endless.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Not Bristol and Levi!

So the liberal media is reporting that Bristol Palin, that case study in the effectiveness of abstinence education, has dumped her babydaddy, Levi Somethinerother. The story broke when Bristol changed her Facebook status from "married (almost)" to "SO single."

The best part was that Levi's sister, Forgetta Belle Somethinerother said that Bristol wouldn't let Levi have the kid because she didn't want them hanging around "white trash."

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahah . . . okay. Let me catch my breath. Okay, first the obvious. Pot? Kettle!

Honey, your mama maybe the leader of the largest state in the union, but she's the moosiest governor EVER. And you daddy is, like, a snowmobile repairman or some shit. And he looks like an aging porn star. Which, I confess, makes me just a little bit hot.

Of course, I completely respect Bristol's right to change Levi's status from LOL to SOL. But I would much rather not even know Bristol and Levi and baby Trig (or whatever other fucked moosey acronym they used) existed.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Dear Bad Texas Drivers

Especially the two of you who had the supremely minor fender bender on the main artery by my house. The law says that if your vehicle is operable, the FIRST thing you should do is move the fucking thing out of traffic.

But no, you two boneheads blocked TWO lanes of traffic to exchange epithets and insurance information. Nice. And I had to take an alternate route because the traffic was so backed up. I hope you both have a really high deductible and the touch up paint that will be required to fix your cars has to be paid for out of your pocket.

And I hope you get stuck in a really long line of traffic because someone stupid does the same thing to you. Of course, you'll bitch to high heaven at that point. And I won't get to witness it, so not satisfaction for me there. Never mind.

Puttin' the Ho' in Jai Ho!

Not sure how I missed this, but apparently Michael Steele, the chairman of the Republican Party, has been talking “street” in interviews. Ahhh, nothing like having an actual minstrel in your minstrel show, eh Republicans?

When Steele, an African American by the way, was first appointed I was torn. Part of me thought, “see, this is what happens when we elect someone different as President. Doors get opened that wouldn’t have before.” We all know that there’s NO WAY IN HELL Michael Steele would have been put in charge of the Cracker party unless Obama was in the White House. But that’s also my dilemma. He wasn’t picked for his qualifications (and I’m not in a position to comment about whether or not he’s qualified, but you know, how hard can it be to do better than your predecessor in that position, right?), he was picked for his race.

But I thought perhaps it would just be a great learning experience for the Republicans. They really could have a bigger tent if they just stopped using them exclusively for revivals.

Then the man starts being street. It’s like he wants to be Randy Jackson or something.

But the topper was when he was encouraged by a radio jock to give his boy Bobby Jindal a shout out. ‘Cause, ya know, Jindal’s brown, too. And really, if it’s not white, it’s all the same. Not white. At least in Republican land. Of course, Steele took the bait and proceeded to give GOVERNOR Jindal some “slum love.” As in Slumdog Millionaire.

OMG! This is soooooo fucking offensive. I don’t even like any of these people, but I feel sorry for them. They are so ignorant of anyone that doesn’t look exactly like them (your choice of two models: shellacked hair and evangelical fervor; or toothless, slump-shouldered and evangelical fervor) that they don’t even realize how demeaning, patronizing and offensive they’ve become.

In fact, I would bet you a dollar that at least one top Republican strategist, in the post-mortem conversations of Jindal’s speech last week, thought maybe they should have ended it with a big Bollywood number.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Beware the Ides of March

Speak, George, Speak!

I knew it was bound to happen. But DAYUM, so soon? Really?

Former Texas Governor George W. Bush is about to make his first stop on the professional speaker’s circuit. In Calgary, Alberta Canada. Which is essentially the Midland, Texas of Canada. You know, where the big event each year is a rodeo, the Calgary Stampede. So I guess that kinda makes sense.

For me, though, the kicker here is that Bush has not ever been known for his public speaking abilities. In fact, it has been quite the opposite. Bush’s isms made Dan Quayle look like a Rhodes Scholar. And even if you believed in his policies, do you really want to see and hear him talk? I’m sure the rate is far lower than any other former President’s fees, but still.

It’s kind of like wanting a celebrity and booking Tara Reid. It’s technically correct, but so wrong in so many ways.

On the other hand, President Obama’s Attorney General, Eric Holder, has announced that states will now be allowed to make their own laws governing marijuana. He said that the DEA will no longer be raiding California’s medical marijuana dispensaries. So, for all my sick, sick friends in California, congrats!! No go google “bogart” and delete all the answers that reference Humphrey.