It Doesn't Get Any More Real

I’ve steadfastly avoided coverage of the “Octo-mom,” (with the exception of Jimmy Kimmel’s absolutely hilarious video, if you haven’t seen it, go find it. Awesome!). I just felt like she was too big a trainwreck and I didn’t want to contribute to the hype in any way. Granted she is a perfect candidate for inclusion in this forum, given that she is a gigantic retard. And I mean that in the most biased, insulting way.

But over the last couple of days, I’ve actually come to believe that she does, in fact, deserve her own reality show. I mean, interest is still super high, based on the fact that she’s all over the internet, even on legitimate news sites. And Jon and Kate seem to be drawing an audience (completely fucking baffles me, but oh well). So why the fuck not. At least then maybe she’ll be out of the news and on her show, which I won’t have to watch.

I would, however, like to offer a few suggestions for the structure of the show. Since Hollywood mansions always seem to be available for reality shows, move her ass into one of them. Don’t give it to her, just let her live there for the duration of the season. If she performs in the ratings, she gets renewed and she gets to stay in the house for another cycle.

Add a twist by having a contest to find the perfect sassy nanny. Start off with 14 contestants, one for each of her litter. But each week, one contestant will get voted off and the other nannies will have to take on extra duties. The top contestant in a given week will get to choose which child he or she would like to nanny in the following week.

Ideally, we would wind up with a south-of-the border sassy nanny, who would mutter epithets in Spanish under her breath, HATING every minute she’s in the same room with Mama Lips, but giving the babies some real love.

We could also cast the fertility doctor as the wacky next-door neighbor who would pop by and say clever things like, “Hey neighbor, can I borrow some eggs?” See? It’s a surefire hit!

Of course, in subsequent seasons we would see the children removed from the house by Child Protective Services and placed in a variety of foster homes and different adoptive situations.

The possibilities are endless.