Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Virgin Suicide?

I’m sure you’ve all heard about the high school boy who stripped down, coated himself in cooking oil, then streaked through the cafeteria of his school. The on-duty cop, failing to recognize the long-haired, bearded (and naked) student tazered him after the boy slipped through his grasp.

First of all, I think it’s sad that high school has become so dangerous that we have to have ON DUTY police in the cafeteria. I understand. But it’s sad. The most dangerous thing that happened in my high school was the bitch fight between Melanie The Cheerleader and Connie The Cheerleader, because one found out the other had been making out with her boyfriend, Greg The Quarterback.

But I digress.

So, apparently, the young man in question was a good student. No history of mental illness, drug use or sophomoric behavior (at least since his sophomore year). So what gives? What would make a young man want to run, oiled and naked, through the lunch line. Did someone double-dog dare him? Was it Barbie’s first acid-trip? Fishing for a prom date? Or was he just trying to show off his Wessonality?

(In the gay community, this kind of behavior is usually accompanied by Pink’s “Get This Party Started!”)

The CNN article talked at length about how “terrified” students huddled in the corner. The guy must not have been too bad looking, though. Apparently no one lost their lunch.

And don’t you know that this had to be a landmark day in the cop’s career. On one hand, he saw action on the lunch beat. On the other hand, it involved wrestling a greased high school senior to the ground and tazering him. Do they give merit badges for that?

The young man was placed in the local jail. And by now I’m sure he’s REALLY regretting oiling himself up ahead of time.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Here She Is?

Many years ago, there was a commercial for a popular beer that featured the finalists of a beauty pageant, tackling the question “What would you do to save the planet?”

The first two contestants had beautiful answers about the environment and education. The third, a buxom blonde, looked into the camera, smiled and said, “What planet?” Cut to the blonde crying and waving, walking down the runway wearing the sash and crown.

Last night, life imitated art at the Miss America pageant (broadcast live in "Yee-haw Vision" on the Country Music Television). The final three were all beautiful (although Miss Texas looked a tiny bit like a drag queen). Each received a different question. Miss Texas got the icky sort of “What’s great about America” question. She talked about the fact that all Americans are entitled to an education and that those who choose to take advantage of it are presented with greater opportunities. Good answer, Miss Texas.

The other girl was already an also-ran. Bad dress, bad hair. Buh-bye.

So, it’s up to Miss Oklahoma. When informed that, while comprising over 50% of the work force, women still only commanded 71% of the pay that men do—and asked how she might impact that, her answer was something along the lines of “As Miss America, I think I’m a role model. And I could show people that women are deserving of equal pay. I think I could be a role model.”

WTF? Honey, you have Vaseline on your teeth. And the only people for whom you are a role model are snaggle-toothed little girls fighting off their drunken relatives, and your fat cousin Myrna with the lesbian haircut. You are IRRELEVANT. Oprah is a role model. Hillary is a role model. Every woman who has ever struggled and fought her way to the executive suite is a role model. Hell, I even think Katie Couric is a role model (I know, she sucks at the serious news—but she’s there).

The absolutely delicious irony of it all is that SHE WON A $50,000 SCHOLARSHIP!!!! Oh, dear God!! With an answer like that, you could give her a MILLION dollar scholarship and it ain’t gonna take. She’s dumber than a box of hair. And I would actually go so far as to say that “America’s Next Top Model” is more socially relevant than Miss America.

I used to enjoy a bit of subversive humor by altering my state and watching beauty pageants. I have had many nights of near-hysterical laughter at their expense. Last night, it just felt sad. Like a drunk sorority girl with no one to hold her hair.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Stupid in the Skies with Dime Bags

Banner day in stupid! We all have pet stories about stupid people’s behavior on airlines. But today’s top travel stories give us lots to wag about.

First up, the nice young lady from the Bay Area. 28-year-old Erin Callahan Lambert began her little floor show by stalking to the back of the cabin and talking loudly on her cell phone. In between “ And I was like . . . and he was all . . .” the cabin crew ASKED WHO SHE WAS TALKING TO?

Hello!! Who the fuck cares who she was talking to. Get her ass off the phone. (NOTE: BTW, people, the airlines are actually thinking about allowing cell phone use in flights. I can think of nothing worse than sitting next to a bored sorority girl whiling away her time and Daddy’s money chatting with her friends—OMG, I KNOW!)

Anyway . . . Ms. Lambert replies that she’s calling 911 because the plane is being hijacked. Then she grabs her carry-on luggage (including her little dog) and heads to the loo. (Look, I don’t like airplane toilet paper either, but that’s no excuse to take your doggie.)

THEN she marches up the aisle and heads for the door, saying, “I’m getting off the aircraft.” They handcuffed her, she broke free, they plastic-thingy-d her hands together and arrested her when they landed. Official reports said she was “apparently intoxicated.” Ya Think?

Meanwhile, over on ATA , a Worcester, MA couple, traveling with their 3-year old daughter (probably named after Linda Blair’s character in The Excorcist) were removed from their flight because they couldn’t get the unruly child to stop screaming, thrashing and hitting and get her ass in a seat. See, the FAA requires 3-year-olds to be in their own seats, with their seat belts fastened and their seats and tray tables in the full, upright and locked position.

Apparently, little Damien-ette preferred the floorboard. The parents complained that ATA hadn’t given them enough time to comfort and deal with their child. News flash, people: If you haven’t figured it out by now, you can wait until SHE’S IN COLLEGE and it won’t be enough time.

ATA says that the flight had already been delayed 15 minutes due to the tantrum.

The couple indignantly said they will “never fly on ATA again!” I say, where do I book my ticket?

Finally, the USA Today headline “Drunk Man Breaks Into Vegas Airport” sounded much funnier than the article. Because funny shit happens at the Vegas airport. Alcohol and gambling may be horribly addictive, but in the right combination, boy, are they fun to watch. I am reminded of my sweet mother and her cup of nickels desperately trying to win one more round on the slots before being dragged onto the plane back home. Some would call that “an issue.” I call it dedication.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Down Under Syndrome

So, yes, stupid people exist the world over. And I was SO happy to see that one of the fundamental stupid people tricks was alive and well from here to Oz. You see, it absolutely baffles me that people will stop in the middle of a busy pedestrian thoroughfare to get their bearings. “Okay, I’m at the top of the escalator now . . . let me just pause to see which . . .” CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK as people ride up their ignorant asses with NOWHERE to go. Or in a crowded shopping street. Or on a busy Central Business District sidewalk. Of course, we’re trained to be polite, but after a while you just kind of want to push them down HARD, saying in your best my-mama-raised-me-right voice, “I am SO sorry. Excuse me. Are you all right? Does it hurt when I do THIS!!”

Don’t get it. Never will. It even runs in my family. A dear, dear, sweet relative (who shall remain nameless, even though everyone in my family knows who I’m talking about) has been known to STOP on a freeway to see the directional signs better. Alternately, this lovely person has been known to come to a COMPLETE STOP at the end of an on-ramp, having had a change of heart about the route, then putting the car in REVERSE and backing off of the freeway. Yeah. That’s my gene pool!

But let me tell you about a couple of marvels I witnessed while in Australia. First, we visited the world-famous Taronga Park Zoo. Now, anytime a zoo is world-famous for it’s view of the city skyline, you gotta figure the animals ain’t all that. You’d be right. It was a pretty run-of-the-mill zoo, with one exception: At the ape enclosure, they actually had a diagram explaining the historical timeline for when human and monkey evolution separated. HOW COOL IS THAT? Can you imagine how apoplectic someone like Ted Haggard would be at such blatant evolutionism? He’d be out looking for a hustler with a meth supply faster than you could say “original sin.”

And the other thing I most loved: the stringent driving laws. See, they think of driving as a privilege. We seem to think of it as a right.

Not sure if you are aware of it or not, but in Texas, you no longer have to actually go take a driving test with a state trooper to get your license. If your driver’s ed instructor says you’re cool—BOOM—you got a license. I have just a bit of an issue with that. I actually believe that we should all have to requalify for our licenses every 10 years or so.

Over there, if you just have a learner’s permit, you have to put a giant “L” plate on the car you’re driving. Once you take some more tests, you get a “P” plate, which you must display as well. Licenses there are on a demerit system. You screw up, you lose points. You screw up bad, you lose your license. Simple stuff, really. Well, they’re now debating a change in the law that would give P-platers a single demerit. One screw up and—HA! HA!—WALK to the mall, motherfucker!

Yep, the Aussies sure seem to have a better perspective on driving than we do. Of course, they drive on the other side of the street.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Are Their Stupid People Smarter Than Our Stupid People?

First of all, let me apologize for my multi-week silence. I left for two weeks in Australia (a wonderful, wonderful place!) and got lazy on my vacay. And there just weren’t enough stupid people around to make fun of. So, I sort of saved ‘em all up for post-vacation blogging.

First of all, EVERYONE in Australia hates George W. And they think every single American is a full-bore idiot for allowing him to stay in office. At first I thought it amusing and, making like a Dixie Chick, would proclaim our own incredulity. Then one day, my beloved said, “You know, it’s starting to piss me off a bit. I feel like saying, ’as long as your prime minister is sucking our President’s dick, I don’t know that you have any room to judge.’” See, they have this jackass, just like we do. But they’ve kept THEIR jackass in office for TEN YEARS!! And they have mandatory voting. Every citizen of legal age has to vote or get fined. I find this very progressive. But I also find it makes it much more difficult to pass the culpability buck.

See, in America, we can just blame voter apathy when a jackass gets elected. We don’t have to actually own up to the fact that a majority of us JUST MIGHT have actually wanted what we got. After all, we did elect Mr. What Me Worry?

The Aussies can’t say the same thing. They actually have to live with the fact that the majority of them support a redneck hawk and American butt-boy. Kind of gave me the giggles.

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Iran Boards the Short Bus

The AP is reporting that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is rejecting the U.S.-I mean U.N.—sanctions against his country. Ahmadinejad said he is convinced the U.S. is behind the resolution (and the “Duh!” award goes to . . .) and warned "The Iranian nation has humiliated you many times, and it will humiliate you in future." The official translation provided to the White House was “You’re not the boss of me!”

He began this new round of humiliation by holding up a photo of future President Hillary Clinton. “Behold her mannish pant suit! Ha! Ha! Take that, foolish infidels!” He then awkwardly held up his palm and said, "High Five!"

He went on to say that if the confrontations continued "Iranians would deliver a historic slap in (the Americans’) face." Dude. Read my blog. The whole slapping thing will just land your ass in jail. And if you slap Hillary, she’ll kick your ass. Ask Bill.

The report continued, “While Ahmadinejad has repeatedly attacked the Security Council resolution, he has avoided any public comment on the results of Dec. 15 municipal elections, in which his political allies were heavily defeated.”

Well, what do you know? Bush and Ahmadinejad DO have something in common.