Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Every Day Is Opposites Day

I have been rendered speechless and numb by the ongoing ludicrosity that is the Republican Campaign for Any Elected Office. The only way I’m able to make sense of it is to assume it’s “opposites day” and that every fucking thing that comes out of a Republican’s mouth must actually MEAN the opposite.

“Country First” sounds swell, but then everything the R’s say sounds a lot like “mememememememememememe.” Big Tent? As long as you’re white, at least middle class and fairly narrow in your thinking. I guess they meant “Big Tent at the country club for the big dance.”

It reminds me of something W. said back in the early days, “I’m a uniter.”

OH!! NOW I get it. You’re actually a DIVIDER!!! That would explain all the bullshit you’ve put this country through.

Remember when there were no RED states or BLUE states. There were just “states.” Actually, there were “United” states. But states now take pride on their color. Regardless of the fact that a MAJOR percentage of residents in each state actually do not vote with the majority. In Texas, generally considered a deep, deep red, we had a long stranglehold by the Democrats that was only broken about 12 years ago. Sure there was the odd Phil Gramm or Kay Bailey Hutchison, but they were the exception, not the rule.

My point is, no state is a solid color. And when we talk about it in those terms, it divides. It minimizes. It disenfranchises.

People keep telling me my vote doesn’t count here in Texas. But I call “bullshit” on that one. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if we elected another Democrat to statewide office in the next cycle—2010.

But until we start telling the stupid people to shut up, get their facts straight, and to get their “facts” from somewhere other than the Bible (in ADDITION to, people—I’m not advocating taking away your bibles) or FOX News, we’re not going to be able to have intelligent debate about the state our fair country is in and how we turn it around.

Now is not the time for narrow thinking. Now, more than ever, we need every out-of-the-box thinker imaginable stepping up to offer solutions. Or maybe we just say that George Bush’s ruination of America is “God’s will.”

Monday, October 27, 2008

Fighting With Facts

THIS is exactly what we all need to be doing whenever some dicknosed wingnut starts exposing their stupidity. How ya like us now, Mrs. Palin?


And can't you just hear her eyes rolling as she says "Paris, France?"

Todd's a Half Breed

Did ya know? Todd Palin is half-Eskimo! His busty wife said so. In her State of the Wardrobe speech, she also touched on her accessories, in her own defense.

"These are beaded earrings from Todd's mom who is a Yupik Eskimo up in Alaska, Native American, Native Alaskan." Wow, it doesn't get much more folksy than an eskimo mom-in-law who beads earrings as gifts to her MILF in law.

I wonder if Sarah and Todd rub noses when they say goodnight?

Spend, Baby, Spend!

Is Sarah Palin Giving Up Hope?

Going off script once again, Gov. Palin chose to address the controversy generated by her brand spankin’ new $150,000 designer MILF wardrobe. After being introduced by Elizabeth Hasselbeck (who, along with every other sane Republican, seems to have lost their mind in the Republican kool-aid) had this to say:

"Those clothes, they are not my property. Just like the lighting and the staging and everything else that the RNC purchased, I'm not taking them with me. I am back to wearing my own clothes from my favorite consignment shop in Anchorage, Alaska. You'd think — not that I would even have to address the issue because, as Elisabeth is suggesting, the double standard here it's — gosh, we don't even want to waste our time."

Gosh is right. But, hmmm.

“I’m not taking them with me?”

Where ya goin’ Sexy Sarah? Surely you don’t mean you’re not taking them with you to the White House—which is probably where you think you and Todd will be living with your war hero son, your baby licking daughter, your “preacher’s daughter” daughter, her baby daddy, her unborn bastard child and the little one who’s “not quite right.” They probably forgot to tell you that you’ll live at the Naval Observatory. Probably figured it was moot anyway.

But if you WERE elected, I’m betting big bucks we’d see you in those clothes in again. But from the tone and language you were using, “Back to wearing my own clothes from my favorite consignment shop in Anchorage,” it sounds to me like you’re ready to get home.

Well, I’m all for getting you back to Alaska just as soon as possible. In fact, I’m betting you can go ahead and book that plane ticket for next week. But the really sad part here is how much ALL of this rings false.

You say you’re a woman of the people, a woman of principle. Then why the hell did you let them put you in them fancy duds? I’m not unfamiliar with Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue or any other major designer slinging haberdashery (there is, after all, a retail merit badge in Gay Scouts), but I’m also familiar with lots and lots of fine department stores where you’d be hard-pressed to spend the kind of money they dropped on you. But it’s hard to balance being the vice-figurehead of a party that used to be run by the richies and now is the party of the crazies. And there just aren’t enough richie crazies to create ANY sort of consistency.

On the other hand, a CONSIGNMENT SHOP?!?!?! Really? As the Governor, I’m not sure you ought to be wearing left over mukluks. Unless, of course, THAT is the image you’re trying to project for that big ol’ state a yours.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Walk/Don't Walk. TACO!

I had my taco redux this morning. Last week, I was supposed to meet a new business prospect, but he stood me up. We rescheduled for this morning. He almost stood me up again. But I was prepared. I brought his cell number. YUM, it shall be.

But the stupid thing was that I decided to approach my favorite dive taqueria via the Drag. For those of you unfamiliar with Austin, the Drag is the stretch of Guadalupe Street that runs along the edge of the University of Texas. There is one critical intersection where hundreds of students cross the street to get to campus. The geniuses at traffic control have set it up where the “walk” sign goes on for a while (effectively eliminating the opportunity to turn right. It then turns “don’t walk” to give the cars a chance to move, as well. And apparently there are LOTS of kids who actually GO to their 8 a.m. classes. Who knew?!?!?

Of couse, there is ALWAYS some stupid motherfucker who thinks (s)he will just go ahead and cross against the light, since getting to class is obviously more important than letting this fucking enormous line of traffic move. Today, it was Muffy, the OMG! girl. She had her iPod on, but I saw her cut her eyes in my direction, so she knew there were cars waiting to turn. And she blatantly continued walking into the crosswalk.
I pulled right up to her and HONKED. She, of course, jumped about a foot off the ground. It almost made up for her stupidity. I was tempted to roll down the window and scream, “Hey, dumbass! How the fuck did you manage to get into this University, when you can’t even interpret one of the most recognizable images on the EARTH?”

I mean, seriously? This University ONLY accepts students who were in the top 10% of their class. Unless, of course they showed particular prowess with an oblong leather object. (GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! I’m talking about football.)

Of course, as I drove, I realized that she wasn’t stupid. It was just another blatant example of the level of entitlement pervasive in her generation. I see it in my blood relatives. I see it in our young friends. And living a few blocks away from a major university, and four doors down from a frat house, I see it EVERY FUCKING DAY.
I start to feel a sense of doom and helplessness for future generations. Then I think of the two amazing young ‘uns my proscritos del norte have raised and I realize that it’s not flawed kids, it’s flawed parenting.
Now, if I could only figure out where the crosswalk cupcake’s parents lived . . .

Monday, October 20, 2008

In the Words of the People

What would happen if we outlawed negative campaigning? Where all a candidate could talk about was what he or she would do if elected. Then the media would do its job and actually examine the platforms for truthfulness? Might we even end up electing someone we knew a lot about?

No shocker here that AOTSP is endorsing Obama for President. What you might find shocking is that I didn’t always think John McCain was a bad man. I do now. I believe he has sold his soul to the devil (aka the “Christian” right) and has allowed his ambition to corrupt his morals. You see it every time he has to say something negative about a man he actually admires. You can see his soul searing a bit when one of his avid supporters (or even his running mate) calls Obama a “terrorist,” or “Arab,” or “unpratriotic.”

The last one bothers me the most, ironically. I can’t think of many acts MORE patriotic than running for President. Sure it’s the biggest ego boost on the planet, but the level of sacrifice is enormous. Even dipshits like GWB go into it with good intentions, however wrongheaded we might think them.

I’ve seen a lot of video over the last couple of weeks. I’ve watched a lot of salacious, fear-mongering punditry. But what I have been absolutely floored by are the comments from regular people. Here is just a sampling of some of the things I’ve heard.

These from a Palin rally in Ohio:

An older white woman, seriously undereducated based on her beady little eyes (necessary to maintain her narrow mindedness, no doubt) and quote. “I’m afraid if he wins, the blacks will take over. He’s NOT A CHRISTIAN! This is a CHRISTIAN nation! What is our country gonna end up like?”

Or the trucker cap wearing old white dude. “When you got a niggra running for President, you need a first-stringer. He’s definitely a second-stringer.” BTW, “niggra” was the phrase that my grandparents used IN THE SIXTIES in an attempt to be less racist. Guess this old fucker’s grandparents must have used that word too.

Or the young (like, 19) man holding his newborn. “I believe Palin is filled with the Holy Spirit and she’s going to bring honesty and integrity to the White House.” Uh . . . isn’t that what GWB was supposed to do? Wasn’t he, like, the “no blow job president” or something.

Or the fat ass in the “NAVY” t-shirt, who said about Obama, “He’s related to a known terrorist, for one . . . “ Yo, fat dude, you can’t even get your smears straight.

Fat White Woman in discount store clothes: “just the whole Muslim thing and everything . . . I mean, a lot of people have forgotten about 9/11.” Based on the fit of those pants, honey, I'd say you needed to be more worried about 7-11 than 9/11.

“Obama scares me. I don’t think he likes white people.” (never mind for a moment that he was raised in an ALL WHITE household. So, he hates his Mama, his grandparents and his sister. O-kay.)

Random shout outs at McCain and/or Palin rallies:

And also came across some random responses to Colin Powell (who I’m sure, pre-endorsement, would have been considered a first-string niggra) and his endorsement of Obama, all paraphrased:

“He only did it because he’s black.”

“Obama is a traitor, so now Powell is a traitor.”

And my favorite, “Powell himself only got where he is because of affirmative action. This is just him returning to his roots.” (Get it? “ROOTS?” You know, like Alex Haley? You know, black.)

Let’s hope that 8 years of an Obama presidency can start to cure this cancer that is eating away at our democracy from the middle out.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

You Named Your Daughter "Loser?"

So, you’re nine months pregnant. You and your hubby have picked names, after MANY hours of ridiculous back and forth. You go into labor and give birth to a beautiful baby girl, Ava Grace. Your sweet hubby goes off to fill out the paperwork and they bring the baby in for you to hold and feed. Only your sweet hubby is now a GIGANTIC DICK. See, while you were resting, he named your daughter Sarah McCain Palin.

It would be bad enough that your “partner” went behind your back. But to name the child something like that . . . don’t get it. "I don't think she believes me yet," said the brainiac dad, Mark Ciptak. "It's going to take some more convincing."

I think she’s going to need some convincing to EVER let you have sex with her again.

Mr. Ciptak (pronounced “Dipshit”—I think it’s Polish) wanted to do his part for the Republican ticket. "I took one for the cause," he said. "I can't give a lot of financial support for the (McCain/Palin) campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little." Very little indeed. I mean, this speaks VOLUMES to the type of husband and father he must be.

The saddest part is that little Sarah Dipshit’s NAME isn’t going to be her biggest challenge in life. It’s going to be her ASSHOLE father. She’ll probably end up running away to live in a lesbian commune when she’s a teenager.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Good Thing He's Not a Longhorn

As we sit amidst this maelstrom of stupidity that is the Presidential election, I haven’t felt like adding my blogging voice to the din. There is something new every day that sets the bar at a new low for these two once-well-respected Senators.

I was at least relieved that McCain verbally countered the woman who said “Obama is an Arab.” Jeebus, lady. Where did you get your limited education, Boxofrocks Elementary?

Then, today, the light returned. I saw a story that had nothing to do with politics. But DAYUM is it stupid.

The headline in USAToday read, “Lineman has pinkie amputated to keep playing.”

Having a completely clogged head (lovely Austin allergies), I thought, NO WAY did I read that right. But I did.

See, Trevor Wikre, a 21-year old senior lineman at Mesa State (NCAA Division II, mind you) in Colorado, shattered his pinkie in practice. The doctors naturally told him his season was over.

Not so fast, there, Dr. Know It All.

"I'm a senior," Wikre said. "If they put pins in there, my career was finished. I told them to just take it off. They said I was being dramatic. I said, yeah, well, losing my season is dramatic, too."

I’m sure the word they wanted to use was “melodramatic.”

Uh . . . dude . . . you play for a Division II school in western Colorado. You’re not going to have a football career. And based on your logical thinking, I’m guessing it’s going to be quite a challenge working the french fryer with a missing pinkie.

Ironically, his coach is also missing a pinkie. (What is this some sort of Mafia school?) The coach said he would have advised him to KEEP the finger and MISS the season, but Wikre acted before the coach had a chance to talk with him.

"He's pretty darn committed to this team,” the coach said. "I know where his heart is at. He's a special young man."

Yeah, but do you know where his pinkie is . . . at?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Beware the Obamaconomy

I was meeting with a client of mine yesterday (a chi chi salon and spa, which, given my bald pate, is a bit of grinner) and we got into a discussion of the economy and how best to move forward given all the doom and gloom. As you might imagine, the vast majority of the stylists and employees are liberal Democrats. But more than a fair share of the clientele is rich, Republican women.

And even they are concerned about the economy. More than one has remarked to the staff, “With the economy the way it is, if Obama is elected, I may not be able to afford to come here anymore.”

My chin hit the floor. “If Obama is elected?!?!?!?”

How is that people can be so delusional? Who the fuck do they think got us into this mess? The Democrats? It was people JUST LIKE THEM.

One of the things I used to always value about the Republican ideals was the point of fiscal conservatism. And they still act like that is a hallmark of their philosophy. But the Bush Administration has been about nothing but greed. Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money. You got to get paid to get laid” as the song from dreadful Damon Wayans movie goes.

So, here’s what I have to say. I hope Obama is elected. And he makes the rich pay their share. And I hope that Mrs. Rich can’t afford to get her hair done at my client’s salon. And I hope that she has to go to some salon in the mall, where some eye-rolling, pudgy teenager with nineteen different colors in her hair, or some tragic old queen with the shakes gets hold of her and leaves her hair looking like a bale of hay.

Work THAT in the society pages, while you’re wearing LAST YEAR’S collection.

I mean, REALLY. WHAT could be worse?!?!? Maybe your husband leaves you for a younger woman with a broader world view, buys her a big-ass HYBRID Lexus and now SHE comes to my client's salon.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

What If You Said You Were ISLANDERS! Instead

Isn’t “maverick” one of those terms that you should never use to describe yourself? It’s like saying “I’m hip and cool.” Those are descriptors that should only be used by others.

I cringe every time the McPalin’s use that word. In the latest Katie Couric frustration hour, she points out that McPalin don’t agree on drilling in ANWR. McCain says, “Well, you can’t expect two mavericks to agree all the time.”

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

It’s kind of like listening my 83 year old father talk about sex as if he’s still having any.

You can’t be a rich, white, long, long time senator in your 70’s and call yourself a maverick with a straight face. Or a gun-toting, woman-hating former beauty queen.

It’s like the two of them actually believed Steve Martin and Dan Ackroyd really WERE ‘two wild and crazy guys.”