Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Christmas Goose

Today, I took the dogs for the daily stroll through the giant park across from Chez O'Pine. One of the features of this park is an 18 hole disc golf course. There are always interesting Austin types throwing their discs around, occasionally quaffing a cold beer and even smoking the odd spliff now and again. Hey, it's Austin! Nothing really throws me off my game anymore.

But today I saw a gaggle of "golfers" being accompanied by a full-grown goose. It was just waddling along like part of the gang. It would stop when they stopped. Walk when they walked. I was completely blown away by this seemingly domesticated goose.

I assumed it must be their pet, since it was so obviously part of the group. But when I happened across a golfer in a different group, I asked if it was a pet.

"No," he said. "They picked it up at the 6th hole."

Just a park goose hangin' with some homies. And that's exactly the sort of thing that I will most miss about Austin.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Maybe We'll Skip Marfa

So my beloved and I are embarking on a great new adventure. His part of the adventure involves going to work for one of the best companies in the world in a great job in a great locale. My part of the adventure involves the logistics of getting us there. You know, selling a house, buying a house, coordinating the move, getting the dogs and the offspring from point A to point B, a distance of a couple thousand miles.

Having plenty of experience producing things, I decided to treat the whole thing like a production. And until yesterday, I thought everything was going swimmingly.

Now, one thing that most people don’t know about me, and have never seen, is that I have a temper. It doesn’t crop up often, but when it does, it’s not pretty. And you might imagine that dealing with stupid people is like the expressway to the trigger. So yesterday I’m trying to book our hotels for our trip. I figured if we’re going to drive 10+ hours a day, we ought to try and make our overnights fun and in cool locales.

First stop? The Mystery Lights of Marfa. Now Marfa has developed a reputation as the epicenter of laid back coolness, and somewhat deservedly. It’s a pretty groovy little place. But really what makes Marfa Marfa is the people and stuff you do together. And that usually happens on the weekends when everyone comes in from out of town. During the week, it’s a bit of “hello! Is there anybody here?” kinda place.

So I call the groovy motel that I like to stay at and get what has to be the STUPIDEST receptionist in history. I really wondered how many times she heard the phone ringing and said to herself, “What’s that noise?”

At first it went well. It was the usual--date of arrival, date of departure, which room did I want, cost . . . everything looking good. Then I attempted to confirm that dogs were, in fact, allowed on the property.

“Um, yeah. Dogs are cool. There’s, like . . . a 50% deposit.”

“Oooookay. 50% of what? You website says it’s $50 per night for the dogs. So 50% of that?”

“And you’ll need to check in on the 28th. We’re all booked up on the 31st.”

WTF? That caught me completely off guard. I had said I wanted to spend one night there. The night of the 29th.

“Umm, no . . . I only need the one night. The 29th.”

“Well, there’s a three night minimum.”

And then I started to lose my temper. Because really, I all wanted was one fucking night at the cute motel in the cute town.


“Yeah, you’ll have to check in on the 28th, though.”


“But it’s a three night minimum.”

Cue the cartoon steam coming out of my ears. “Is your manager there?”

“No. Why?”

“BECAUSE YOU’RE AN IDIOT!!!!!! And I want to talk to someone who actually makes sense.”

Shockingly enough, this didn’t phase her in the least. She began again to try to explain to me that all I had to do was check in on the 28th and everything would be cool.”

I screamed into the phone, “YOU’RE CRAZY!!!!” and hung up.

My mama would be sooooo proud.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Eye of the Tiger Storm

So the Tiger Woods tramp train rolls on. We’re now up to, what, 11 women who have come out publicly? First of all, let me say this. I don’t really give a shit about Tiger’s private life. And I don’t really think it’s any of my business. These are not people who are making their livings based on their character. (Although I’m sure there are a bunch of 80-year-old Buick owners who are losing their teeth over this).

This to me is such hogshit. Our “moral outrage.” Whatthefuckever. (Of course, I find the entire concept of “moral outrage” a ridiculous notion. It’s such a holier-than-thou kinda thing, and we all know how much I dig that.) Professional athletes have been poking their, um, nose where it doesn’t belong FOREVER! Anyone who is surprised that the world’s most famous athlete is too, is a sand breather.

But can someone please explain to me why the “other” woman/women are always such skanks? If I’m Tiger Woods, and I’m stepping out on the blonde goddess I have at home, wouldn’t you do it with actresses and models? Instead of Vegas cocktail waitresses, kino girls and truck stop parking lot attendants?

The other thing that cracks me up is how they’re all coming forward. All trying to cash that check. They’re talking about Tiger’s endowment. His prowess. They’re showing off their text messages and voicemails. And best of all THEY’RE JEALOUS OF EACH OTHER!!! They each thought their skanky ass was what Tiger truly wanted. And each feels she was “cheated on” too. BWAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Oh well, at least some good can come out of this. Saturday Night Live got some hilarious punches in. And Elin Nordgren is now a very rich woman.