Stupid in the Skies with Dime Bags

Banner day in stupid! We all have pet stories about stupid people’s behavior on airlines. But today’s top travel stories give us lots to wag about.

First up, the nice young lady from the Bay Area. 28-year-old Erin Callahan Lambert began her little floor show by stalking to the back of the cabin and talking loudly on her cell phone. In between “ And I was like . . . and he was all . . .” the cabin crew ASKED WHO SHE WAS TALKING TO?

Hello!! Who the fuck cares who she was talking to. Get her ass off the phone. (NOTE: BTW, people, the airlines are actually thinking about allowing cell phone use in flights. I can think of nothing worse than sitting next to a bored sorority girl whiling away her time and Daddy’s money chatting with her friends—OMG, I KNOW!)

Anyway . . . Ms. Lambert replies that she’s calling 911 because the plane is being hijacked. Then she grabs her carry-on luggage (including her little dog) and heads to the loo. (Look, I don’t like airplane toilet paper either, but that’s no excuse to take your doggie.)

THEN she marches up the aisle and heads for the door, saying, “I’m getting off the aircraft.” They handcuffed her, she broke free, they plastic-thingy-d her hands together and arrested her when they landed. Official reports said she was “apparently intoxicated.” Ya Think?

Meanwhile, over on ATA , a Worcester, MA couple, traveling with their 3-year old daughter (probably named after Linda Blair’s character in The Excorcist) were removed from their flight because they couldn’t get the unruly child to stop screaming, thrashing and hitting and get her ass in a seat. See, the FAA requires 3-year-olds to be in their own seats, with their seat belts fastened and their seats and tray tables in the full, upright and locked position.

Apparently, little Damien-ette preferred the floorboard. The parents complained that ATA hadn’t given them enough time to comfort and deal with their child. News flash, people: If you haven’t figured it out by now, you can wait until SHE’S IN COLLEGE and it won’t be enough time.

ATA says that the flight had already been delayed 15 minutes due to the tantrum.

The couple indignantly said they will “never fly on ATA again!” I say, where do I book my ticket?

Finally, the USA Today headline “Drunk Man Breaks Into Vegas Airport” sounded much funnier than the article. Because funny shit happens at the Vegas airport. Alcohol and gambling may be horribly addictive, but in the right combination, boy, are they fun to watch. I am reminded of my sweet mother and her cup of nickels desperately trying to win one more round on the slots before being dragged onto the plane back home. Some would call that “an issue.” I call it dedication.