Smells Like Stupid

So, I’m at the gym last week (No, I don’t just sit around in my underwear all day, eating Cheetos and wondering what else I can bitch about—although that does sound fun!) and I had one of those moments that just sends me into apoplexy. A woman walked by wearing WAY too much perfume. Cheap perfume. Nasty, allergy-inducing, sticks-on-your-skin-can’t-get-it-off cheap perfume.

And I wondered, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING? That the eligible men here are going to be so captivated by your “scent” that they will overlook the fact that your ASS is about the size of small travel trailer? That’s HOT!

Okay, let’s do a little Birds and the Bees 101, Gym Edition.

First of all, most men at the gym are more interested in what’s in their own locker room.

Second, people who work out are mostly drawn to other people who work out—people who are actually fit, or on their way there. Although, I must say you deserve kudos for showing up. It’s half the battle—but I digress.

Wearing a fragrance is not bad, in and of itself. But it’s one of those “small doses” things. (Clouds of perfume that arrive before you do aren’t attractive, people!)

Of course, Britney, Celine Dion and Paris Hilton would probably disagree with me.

Britney’s new one is called Fantasy. Her old one was called Curious. I’m guessing “Barefoot Retard” or “Coon-Ass Cooch Flash” didn’t test market well. Although I bet “White Trash” would sell a bundle. Seriously.

Celine Dion? Rene likes it!

Sarah Jessica Parker? Antonio Banderas? Derek Jeter? Uh . . . okay.

Stunningly--and inexplicably--even Carlos Santana has a fragrance. Because I’m pretty sure lots of people look at Carlos and think—I want to smell like HIM!


Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to mix up a little olfactory cocktail of David Beckham and Jennifer Lopez. I’m going to call it Bend Lo.