Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.
More than two dozen cheerleaders (I’m guessing 24 blondes and a token African-American girl), in town for a cheerleading camp, got stuck in an elevator on the University of Texas campus yesterday. Apparently, they decided to see how many anorexic girls could fit into the space, and overloaded it. Probably because one of the girls had failed to purge.
The article was all dramatic. “Two girls passed out and were treated at the scene.” Oh, dear. Didn’t someone have a tic-tac to nourish these poor girls.”
It then goes on to say that they were in the elevator for TWENTY MINUTES. That’s it? Twenty whole minutes? Mary, sweet mother of Jesus. Talk about short attention spans. The girls used their cell phones to call authorities, who, based on response time, were apparently waiting in the lobby.
An AOTSP reporter on the scene was able to interview some of the survivors. Some of the bites:
“It was, like, soooo scary, ‘cuz, like, some of those bitches were total skanks, okay? I didn’t EVEN want to be touching them.”
Another said, “we were all chanting, ‘open this door!’ but it’s really hard to do a good cheer when you can’t lift your arms over your head.”
“(sob) I wasn’t sure I would ever do a herky again (sniffle, sob)”
“I am completely sure that this was just part of God’s plan for me. I full intend to use this experience as a growth opportunity, both spiritually and personally. That which does not kill me makes me stronger. And since I’m obviously not dead, that means I’m stronger. And THAT means I might even make (shrieks) HEAD CHEERLEADER!!!!!! Fire UP!”
“The cell signal was, like, ONE BAR. Sha! I kept trying to text people, but it was impossible. And I couldn’t call. I didn’t want any of the other girls to hear what I was saying about them. I mean, please. These girls are my FRIENDS. If they knew what I was saying, it would totally hurt their feelings.”
“Does anyone have a tic-tac? Or a Red Bull?”
Hmmm, I wonder if any of them were so traumatized that they will “never cheer again.” One can only hope.