That's Why It's Not Called a "Brains Pageant"

Of course, I can’t let it rest. Even after millions of YouTube viewings (probably half of which were me, laughing my ass off.)

I do have to say that I am thankful for the internet and the capability to expose this level of stupidity. As you all well know, I loves to kick back with a stiff drink or two (whatever. I hate math) and giggle at beauty pageants. It’s my long held dirty little secret. Don’t tell anyone, okay?

So seeing Miss South Carolina referring to “U.S. Americans” and “the Iraq” was not only pee-yourself funny, it’s pretty representative of most of the answers these girls give in these contests. Seriously. It’s a gold mine of unintentional laughs.

Poor Missy. Now she claims she was “in shock.” Honey, I’m pretty sure this wasn’t your first rodeo. So what was so shocking to you? The fact that so many of your peers couldn’t locate the U.S. on a map? Or the fact that Mario Lopez was more waxed and made up than you were?

Oh, and by the way . . . the problem isn’t that people don’t HAVE maps, dumbass. There’s not a burgeoning “mapless” population here. Although I’m surprised you didn’t recommend building some "mapless shelters," a place where people who didn’t know where they were could go for direction.

And speaking of maps, you’re going to need a good one to figure out your future. I for one would love to interview you. Can you imagine how she would respond to questioning?

ME: So, what qualifies you for this position?

HER: Well, um, like, when people, such as Secretaries or Garbage collectors, and world peace. Then, Peru and a tsunami and sadness. But hope is a beacon. The copy machine. Such as tragedy, but I want to help. In the cities and towns of all neighborhood Americans.

Of course, being the bitchy queen that I am, I wouldn’t end the interview there. No, I would ask a series of progressively obtuse questions, knowing that her Beauty Pageant DNA required her to answer in the most nonsensical way humanly possible. And I would record it for posterity. Or at least a few late night laughs when I’d exhausted my Tivo reservoir.

So, I wonder what her talent was?