I Wonder If All of His Stances Are Wide

Poor Senator Craig and his “wide stance.” Don’t you love it when a new phrase enters the vernacular immediately and permanently? “Wardrobe malfunction,” anyone? And of course, it couldn’t happen to a more deserving person. Deeply closeted, self-loathing and aggressively homophobic. Seen it a million times. We in the Tribe always invoke Shakespeare, “Thou dost protest too much.”

But on to the juice!! First off, did you see the pictures of the arresting officer? Pretty, pretty, pretty. So you likes ‘em young and blonde, eh Senator? You must be in a special little tortured hell at the Capitol. All those pretty little Naz—I mean Young Republicans running around. You probably like to “accidentally” drop things when they’re around, don’t you. Like the soap.

All denials to the contrary, NO ONE on this planet believes that an innocent person pleads guilty. And also sir, with all due respect (read: NONE) when you’ve already plead guilty, you can’t, by definition, claim you’re innocent. Plus, dude, you’ve had, what, almost three months to think up a cover story? And the best you can come up with is "I'm NOT gay. I never have been."

Let me offer my assistance.

“The floor was wet, so I took a wider stance than usual. But even with my precautions, including trying to hold myself steady by grasping the underside of the stall wall, I became unbalanced and fell to the floor. As my head slid under the partition, I opened my mouth to cry for assistance. Imagine my shock when the officer’s penis slid into my mouth. As I tried to extricate myself, the back of my head hit the bottom of the stall wall, forcing me back down on the officer’s throbbing manhood. It was really quite comical. My repeated attempts to disengage could perhaps have been interpreted as 'bobbing,' but it was completely innocent, I assure you. It was much more Lucy and Ethel than Will and Grace.”

Or, this:

“I am NOT gay!” He declared. “But I do love an occasional dick in my ass after a long flight.”


Uh, Senator . . . your flight is ready for departure.