Thursday, August 9, 2007

8 is (Apparently Not Even Close to Being) Enough

My good friend Heathero, who posts comments here frequently, apparently had a bad parenting day with her three young ‘uns this week. I wonder what she’d do if she were Michelle Duggar?

The headline read “Arkansas Couple Welcome Their 17th Child.” And the jokes began to fly in my head. Images of having to buy a new trailer with more pop outs. A clan of kids resembling lesser Simpson characters. Daddy and Mama fightin’ and fornicatin’. Makin’ babies out of anger. 19 people fighting over one piece of floss.

But as the link loaded, I was confronted with something entirely unexpected. The Duggars. A solidly middle class, nice-looking family, who, despite the preponderance of mall hair, appeared normal. If you could even possibly begin to use the word “normal” about a 17-sibling brood and the parents who made them. Oh, and they all had that beatific smile that smug Christians have. The one that looks like your Valium just kicked in.

It will come as no shock that God gets a shout out in the article. Something about being “blessed” by “Him.” Uh. Huh. God shone down on Tontitown, Arkansas.

Not really having a female perspective on things (except when I’m channeling the Boozy Stepmother), I truly can’t imagine someone being okay with spending ten-and-a-half years of their life with a bun in the oven. Someone needs to create a “super Kegel” for this woman.

Naturally, the children are home-schooled, which in the South pretty much means an hour a day of listening to Mom talk about Godliness and seven hours of household chores. Dad gives them a weekly lesson in Pontification.

Oh, did I mention that daddy’s name is Jim Bob? And that, in true stupid people fashion, they’ve given all the babies “J” names? Say hello to: Joshua, 19; John David, 17; Janna, 17; Jill, 16; Jessa, 14; Jinger, 13; Joseph, 12; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 9; Jedidiah, 8; Jeremiah, 8; Jason 7; James 6; Justin, 4; Jackson, 3; Johannah, almost 2 and little baby Jennifer, who will some day write a book about all the mental and physical abuse she suffered being a “middle” child.

What, you think they’re stopping at 17?


hokgardner said...

Maybe that's what's missing in my discipline process around here - a good dose of fear of God and the belt-whipping that usually goes hand-in-hand with it.

Barb said...

I have visited your site before (linked from Heather's site) but I laughed out loud at the Super Kegel joke and thought you should know.

And then I also remember that Saturday Night Live skit that has the guy talking about all the things his wife does --like the Geritol (I think) commercials of the day --and then he says, "My wife. That's why I have my mistress."

My husband threatened to have a hat made that said, "Number Three Without Me." So we have no middle child. I'm sure you're glad to know that.