Thursday, August 16, 2007

Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect One Million Dollars.

HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I fuckin’ eat this shit up! It’s like an old comedy, where someone steps on the upright tines of a rake, causing the handle to flip up and hit them in the face. Only this time, the rake is a metaphor for “really freakin’ stupid.”

Christina Goodenow (I believe her first name is pronounced “not quite”), of White City, Oregon, won the lottery. A million bucks. Talk about lucky! Only problem is, she used a credit card she STOLE from her then-boyfriend’s DEAD MOTHER!

Seriously?!?! Grave Robber Wins Lotto! You can’t make this shit up!

She asked the lottery to keep her win quiet because she was a victim of domestic violence. Apparently she’s also clairvoyant, ‘cuz I bet the boyfriend beat her ass after he found out. Authorities figured it out though, when she continued to use the dead woman’s credit card as her personal shopper.

You know, I’ve got to learn how to post pics on here. If you could see this woman’s hair! It looks like a cross between mall hair with 80’s bangs and a mullet. It’s like she didn’t know if she wanted to be Linda Evans or a mall cop. (“Move along sir, nothing to see here! Please don’t congregate in front of the cellular phone kiosk, ma’am.)

So, Not Quite Goodenow gets busted. She pleads guilty to all charges. They take her million dollars away. And the judge sentences her to a month in jail, but . . .

Are you ready for this?

The judge gave her credit for the six months she had served earlier this year for methamphetamine possession!!!! WTF? So she’s a repeat offender who gets her sentenced lightened because she had already been in jail once this year? Calling all criminals! White City sounds like the place to commit a crime to me.

But then again, she did lose her lotto winning. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I always did laugh when that rake hit ‘em.


hokgardner said...

You could give us the link to the article so we could see the hair.

One friend, without realizing it, linked from my blog to yours and couldn't figure out why I was suddenly swearing so much in my writing. She realized what she had done after a few minutes. But I loved that she was startled by the f-bombs. It's not like I never swear.

O'Pine said...

Great Idea heathero. here's the link

Kelli said...

I am laughing my ass off over here! I should be taking advantage of my kids' nap time and shoveling my house out from last night's playdate, but instead I have spent the last hour reading your blog. I love it!

Anonymous said...

even better with the visual aids! is it just me or does she remind you a bit of Amy Sedaris' character in "Strangers with Candy"? xo J.