So a Johns Hopkins researcher has announced a breakthrough in muscle building. In mice. And from the pictures, it sure looks like a success. There you have one normal, average cute little mouse. And one beside him who looks like he works as a bouncer at mouse titty bar. The fucker’s huge. Not longer or taller, but just massive shoulders and glutes.
That sound you hear is muscle queens from WeHo to Chelsea spitting out their egg white omelettes and clearing space in the cupboard for new supplements.
Apparently it has something to do with myostatin and follestatin (no word on whether these people live on Staten Island, har, har, har!) which of course, is greek to me. Science is hard and confusing. There are no pretty colors and lab lights make your skin look awful. But I digress.
So, while there are all kinds of terrific possibilities to cure things like muscular dystrophy and “wasting" in AIDS patients, who are we kidding? This development is aimed squarely at the millions of Americans who want a more muscular physique. We’re talking gym rats and gym bunnies, not lab mice.
Now if they could just discover how to do this with brain cells . . .
Friday, August 31, 2007
I Wonder If All of His Stances Are Wide
Poor Senator Craig and his “wide stance.” Don’t you love it when a new phrase enters the vernacular immediately and permanently? “Wardrobe malfunction,” anyone? And of course, it couldn’t happen to a more deserving person. Deeply closeted, self-loathing and aggressively homophobic. Seen it a million times. We in the Tribe always invoke Shakespeare, “Thou dost protest too much.”
But on to the juice!! First off, did you see the pictures of the arresting officer? Pretty, pretty, pretty. So you likes ‘em young and blonde, eh Senator? You must be in a special little tortured hell at the Capitol. All those pretty little Naz—I mean Young Republicans running around. You probably like to “accidentally” drop things when they’re around, don’t you. Like the soap.
All denials to the contrary, NO ONE on this planet believes that an innocent person pleads guilty. And also sir, with all due respect (read: NONE) when you’ve already plead guilty, you can’t, by definition, claim you’re innocent. Plus, dude, you’ve had, what, almost three months to think up a cover story? And the best you can come up with is "I'm NOT gay. I never have been."
Let me offer my assistance.
“The floor was wet, so I took a wider stance than usual. But even with my precautions, including trying to hold myself steady by grasping the underside of the stall wall, I became unbalanced and fell to the floor. As my head slid under the partition, I opened my mouth to cry for assistance. Imagine my shock when the officer’s penis slid into my mouth. As I tried to extricate myself, the back of my head hit the bottom of the stall wall, forcing me back down on the officer’s throbbing manhood. It was really quite comical. My repeated attempts to disengage could perhaps have been interpreted as 'bobbing,' but it was completely innocent, I assure you. It was much more Lucy and Ethel than Will and Grace.”
Or, this:
“I am NOT gay!” He declared. “But I do love an occasional dick in my ass after a long flight.”
Uh, Senator . . . your flight is ready for departure.
But on to the juice!! First off, did you see the pictures of the arresting officer? Pretty, pretty, pretty. So you likes ‘em young and blonde, eh Senator? You must be in a special little tortured hell at the Capitol. All those pretty little Naz—I mean Young Republicans running around. You probably like to “accidentally” drop things when they’re around, don’t you. Like the soap.
All denials to the contrary, NO ONE on this planet believes that an innocent person pleads guilty. And also sir, with all due respect (read: NONE) when you’ve already plead guilty, you can’t, by definition, claim you’re innocent. Plus, dude, you’ve had, what, almost three months to think up a cover story? And the best you can come up with is "I'm NOT gay. I never have been."
Let me offer my assistance.
“The floor was wet, so I took a wider stance than usual. But even with my precautions, including trying to hold myself steady by grasping the underside of the stall wall, I became unbalanced and fell to the floor. As my head slid under the partition, I opened my mouth to cry for assistance. Imagine my shock when the officer’s penis slid into my mouth. As I tried to extricate myself, the back of my head hit the bottom of the stall wall, forcing me back down on the officer’s throbbing manhood. It was really quite comical. My repeated attempts to disengage could perhaps have been interpreted as 'bobbing,' but it was completely innocent, I assure you. It was much more Lucy and Ethel than Will and Grace.”
Or, this:
“I am NOT gay!” He declared. “But I do love an occasional dick in my ass after a long flight.”
Uh, Senator . . . your flight is ready for departure.
That's Why It's Not Called a "Brains Pageant"
Of course, I can’t let it rest. Even after millions of YouTube viewings (probably half of which were me, laughing my ass off.)
I do have to say that I am thankful for the internet and the capability to expose this level of stupidity. As you all well know, I loves to kick back with a stiff drink or two (whatever. I hate math) and giggle at beauty pageants. It’s my long held dirty little secret. Don’t tell anyone, okay?
So seeing Miss South Carolina referring to “U.S. Americans” and “the Iraq” was not only pee-yourself funny, it’s pretty representative of most of the answers these girls give in these contests. Seriously. It’s a gold mine of unintentional laughs.
Poor Missy. Now she claims she was “in shock.” Honey, I’m pretty sure this wasn’t your first rodeo. So what was so shocking to you? The fact that so many of your peers couldn’t locate the U.S. on a map? Or the fact that Mario Lopez was more waxed and made up than you were?
Oh, and by the way . . . the problem isn’t that people don’t HAVE maps, dumbass. There’s not a burgeoning “mapless” population here. Although I’m surprised you didn’t recommend building some "mapless shelters," a place where people who didn’t know where they were could go for direction.
And speaking of maps, you’re going to need a good one to figure out your future. I for one would love to interview you. Can you imagine how she would respond to questioning?
ME: So, what qualifies you for this position?
HER: Well, um, like, when people, such as Secretaries or Garbage collectors, and world peace. Then, Peru and a tsunami and sadness. But hope is a beacon. The copy machine. Such as tragedy, but I want to help. In the cities and towns of all neighborhood Americans.
Of course, being the bitchy queen that I am, I wouldn’t end the interview there. No, I would ask a series of progressively obtuse questions, knowing that her Beauty Pageant DNA required her to answer in the most nonsensical way humanly possible. And I would record it for posterity. Or at least a few late night laughs when I’d exhausted my Tivo reservoir.
So, I wonder what her talent was?
I do have to say that I am thankful for the internet and the capability to expose this level of stupidity. As you all well know, I loves to kick back with a stiff drink or two (whatever. I hate math) and giggle at beauty pageants. It’s my long held dirty little secret. Don’t tell anyone, okay?
So seeing Miss South Carolina referring to “U.S. Americans” and “the Iraq” was not only pee-yourself funny, it’s pretty representative of most of the answers these girls give in these contests. Seriously. It’s a gold mine of unintentional laughs.
Poor Missy. Now she claims she was “in shock.” Honey, I’m pretty sure this wasn’t your first rodeo. So what was so shocking to you? The fact that so many of your peers couldn’t locate the U.S. on a map? Or the fact that Mario Lopez was more waxed and made up than you were?
Oh, and by the way . . . the problem isn’t that people don’t HAVE maps, dumbass. There’s not a burgeoning “mapless” population here. Although I’m surprised you didn’t recommend building some "mapless shelters," a place where people who didn’t know where they were could go for direction.
And speaking of maps, you’re going to need a good one to figure out your future. I for one would love to interview you. Can you imagine how she would respond to questioning?
ME: So, what qualifies you for this position?
HER: Well, um, like, when people, such as Secretaries or Garbage collectors, and world peace. Then, Peru and a tsunami and sadness. But hope is a beacon. The copy machine. Such as tragedy, but I want to help. In the cities and towns of all neighborhood Americans.
Of course, being the bitchy queen that I am, I wouldn’t end the interview there. No, I would ask a series of progressively obtuse questions, knowing that her Beauty Pageant DNA required her to answer in the most nonsensical way humanly possible. And I would record it for posterity. Or at least a few late night laughs when I’d exhausted my Tivo reservoir.
So, I wonder what her talent was?
A Week's Worth of Stupid!
My goodness. I go away for a few days and all hell breaks loose. It’s like the Stupid People went on a full-out offensive. Senators, Beauty Queens, Bush Administration officials . . . all the usual suspects. Anyhoo, good to be back on the blog. Hold on tight, here we go.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Is Mother Nature Lactose Intolerant?
Okay, there were two things in the news today that just rubbed me the wrong way (Yes, there IS a wrong way). Two completely different stories about completely different things, but in both cases, the person anthropomorphized nature. This is an extremely common occurrence, as evidenced by the naming of our tropical storms and hurricanes, but I somehow feel like it contributes to a victim mentality, as if somehow nature has targeted us (which, if you think about it, is a pretty scary “payback” scenario, given the way we treat nature).
The first comment was the mildest, a Wisconsin official, commenting on the devastating flooding (and really, is there any other kind?) said “Mother Nature has been really cruel to our state the last four or five days.” Really? To YOUR state? Well maybe Mother Nature hates cheese. Or the Packers. Or people who sound like they’re from Canada.
It’s NATURE, dumbass. It rains too much, the banks overflow, it floods. Nothing new. They even talk about it in the Bible, remember. So, maybe it’s God being cruel to your state. Did you ever think about that? Maybe God hates cheese. Or maybe he just hates those cheese curd thingys you sell in your airports.
The second big ‘morph was from Bob Murphy, CEO of Murphy Energy. Not ringing a bell? He’s the owner of the coal mine in Utah that collapsed. Remember? There was a “seismic incident” which caused the tunnel to collapse on the miners, who are now presumed dead and buried? Interesting thing about that—there is no record of there being any seismic activity in the area when it collapsed.
Ooops.
Now Mr. Murphy (whose grief seems completely legitimate) has filed papers to close and seal the mine permanently.
And then he said . . . wait for it . . . “I will never come back to that evil mountain.” WTF?!?!?!?!
Yep. That thar mountain is EVIL! Collapsing on those poor innocent coal miners who were just in there risking their lives so that Mr. Murphy can afford his yacht payments. Yep. Evil, I say.
Of course, drilling a coal mine into a mountain comes with certain risks, not the least of which is having to listen to incessant canary singing, but to think that the mountain did this TO you, and out of malice at that . . .jeez. I just can’t even begin to say how stupid I think you are.
I'm surprised he hasn't tried to blame it on terrorists. After all, there was that whole “mountain and Mohammed” thing.
The first comment was the mildest, a Wisconsin official, commenting on the devastating flooding (and really, is there any other kind?) said “Mother Nature has been really cruel to our state the last four or five days.” Really? To YOUR state? Well maybe Mother Nature hates cheese. Or the Packers. Or people who sound like they’re from Canada.
It’s NATURE, dumbass. It rains too much, the banks overflow, it floods. Nothing new. They even talk about it in the Bible, remember. So, maybe it’s God being cruel to your state. Did you ever think about that? Maybe God hates cheese. Or maybe he just hates those cheese curd thingys you sell in your airports.
The second big ‘morph was from Bob Murphy, CEO of Murphy Energy. Not ringing a bell? He’s the owner of the coal mine in Utah that collapsed. Remember? There was a “seismic incident” which caused the tunnel to collapse on the miners, who are now presumed dead and buried? Interesting thing about that—there is no record of there being any seismic activity in the area when it collapsed.
Ooops.
Now Mr. Murphy (whose grief seems completely legitimate) has filed papers to close and seal the mine permanently.
And then he said . . . wait for it . . . “I will never come back to that evil mountain.” WTF?!?!?!?!
Yep. That thar mountain is EVIL! Collapsing on those poor innocent coal miners who were just in there risking their lives so that Mr. Murphy can afford his yacht payments. Yep. Evil, I say.
Of course, drilling a coal mine into a mountain comes with certain risks, not the least of which is having to listen to incessant canary singing, but to think that the mountain did this TO you, and out of malice at that . . .jeez. I just can’t even begin to say how stupid I think you are.
I'm surprised he hasn't tried to blame it on terrorists. After all, there was that whole “mountain and Mohammed” thing.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Without Terrorists, There Would Be No Bush
Think about that. If Al Qaeda or Osama (Or Karl Rove or Dick Cheney) hadn’t masterminded that attack on September 11th, George W. Bush wouldn’t have stood a chance in hell at winning a second term.
So I guess it’s no wonder that “terrorists,” or “terrists” as he pronounces it, is perhaps the most commonly trotted out word in Bush’s public vocabulary. (His private vocabulary consists of the phrases, “I’m not drinkin’, it’s just beer,” “Huh?” “I’m ‘onna nickname yew,” and “Where’d Laura go?”)
Seriously, though, didn’t the man read “The Boy Who Cried Wolf.” I mean, this is a man who reads children’s books in public. Surely to Pete he’s read that one.
But the evidence suggests quite the contrary. W trots out the word “terrorist” or some derivation thereof more often than Britney goes without panties. In other words, pretty much daily.
I for one, am feeling “terror fatigue.” And I can’t help but wonder if there aren’t OTHER important issues going on in our country. The economy, education, poverty, homelessness, health care. And that’s just off the top of my head.
I don’t want terrorists attacking us anymore than the next guy, but you know, we’ve only been attacked ONCE. Other countries live under a constant threat of attack, and they seem to manage getting through the day without their leaders crying “the sky is falling” every time someone wants to talk about something other than terror.
My other gigantic fear is that lots of ultraconservative pet projects are being pushed through the government while we’re all distracted by Georgie’s “look! A terrorist” rhetoric. Of course now, almost 7 years into the Bush presidency, it’s probably too late to do anything about it.
But let’s not make the same mistake next year. Repeat after me: “If we elect another Republican, the terrorists win.”
So I guess it’s no wonder that “terrorists,” or “terrists” as he pronounces it, is perhaps the most commonly trotted out word in Bush’s public vocabulary. (His private vocabulary consists of the phrases, “I’m not drinkin’, it’s just beer,” “Huh?” “I’m ‘onna nickname yew,” and “Where’d Laura go?”)
Seriously, though, didn’t the man read “The Boy Who Cried Wolf.” I mean, this is a man who reads children’s books in public. Surely to Pete he’s read that one.
But the evidence suggests quite the contrary. W trots out the word “terrorist” or some derivation thereof more often than Britney goes without panties. In other words, pretty much daily.
I for one, am feeling “terror fatigue.” And I can’t help but wonder if there aren’t OTHER important issues going on in our country. The economy, education, poverty, homelessness, health care. And that’s just off the top of my head.
I don’t want terrorists attacking us anymore than the next guy, but you know, we’ve only been attacked ONCE. Other countries live under a constant threat of attack, and they seem to manage getting through the day without their leaders crying “the sky is falling” every time someone wants to talk about something other than terror.
My other gigantic fear is that lots of ultraconservative pet projects are being pushed through the government while we’re all distracted by Georgie’s “look! A terrorist” rhetoric. Of course now, almost 7 years into the Bush presidency, it’s probably too late to do anything about it.
But let’s not make the same mistake next year. Repeat after me: “If we elect another Republican, the terrorists win.”
Monday, August 20, 2007
End Scene. Please.
Okay, I’ve never been a big fan of actors who become politicians. Mostly because I have spent an enormous chunk of my adult life working with both species. Cross pollenation ain’t pretty.
Fred Thompson, that likable lug from Law and Order, fond of the stern father roles, has apparently decided to audition for the biggest stern father role yet—POTUS. And Republican polling numbers suggest he could be the nominee. Which is where the nightmare begins for us rational folk.
See, apparently the Republicans have some sort of Reagan-hangover. They talk about him as if he were a demigod. And they see Thompson as a Robo-Reagan: MORE conservative. MORE eloquent. With a MORE anorexic wife (actually I’ve never seen a pic of his wife, but those Republicans like their ladies rail thin. How else to explain Ann Coulter as a sex symbol. Blech.)
I, however, didn’t quite realize what a FUCKING NAZI this guy is. Check out some of these positions and quotes from his CNN interview last week.
Would work to overturn Roe v. Wade if elected president, saying the U.S. Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion “was bad law and bad medicine.” Bad medicine? What is this, the old west? And did I miss something? Are you doctor? Or maybe you just played one on TV.
Would push for a constitutional amendment that protects states from being forced to honor gay marriages performed in other states. “I don’t think that one state ought to be able to pass a law requiring gay marriage or allowing gay marriage and have another state be required to follow along.”
Except for that whole “reciprocity” thing that comes with being “united” states. Apparently, the former Senator hasn’t been briefed on the concept of legal precedent. And also, "REQUIRING gay marriage." That's pretty effin' hilarious.
You know, if you work in the entertainment industry and you’re homophobic, then you are SERIOUSLY homophobic. In that industry, gay folk are everywhere, so you can’t really keep the stereotype running in your mind. And do we really want ANOTHER President who refuses to change his opinions, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary?
On Iraq: “We need to make every effort to make sure that we don’t get run out of there with our tail between our legs before we’ve done the job of securing that place.” And while he refused to discuss a timeline, he did say something about a planned ice rink in Hell.
You would think that, with all the backlash being heaped on the Bush presidency, the Republicans would have figured out they need a LESS conservative candidate, not some puppet of the American Jihad. But with the cast of White Guys running, and a very good chance that the Democratic nominee will be either a woman or an African American, it would be nice to have a clear difference between the candidates.
But given that I write about stupid people every day, it wouldn’t surprise me to see George handing the keys to Fred. Hey, somebody elected him a U.S. Senator.
Fred Thompson, that likable lug from Law and Order, fond of the stern father roles, has apparently decided to audition for the biggest stern father role yet—POTUS. And Republican polling numbers suggest he could be the nominee. Which is where the nightmare begins for us rational folk.
See, apparently the Republicans have some sort of Reagan-hangover. They talk about him as if he were a demigod. And they see Thompson as a Robo-Reagan: MORE conservative. MORE eloquent. With a MORE anorexic wife (actually I’ve never seen a pic of his wife, but those Republicans like their ladies rail thin. How else to explain Ann Coulter as a sex symbol. Blech.)
I, however, didn’t quite realize what a FUCKING NAZI this guy is. Check out some of these positions and quotes from his CNN interview last week.
Would work to overturn Roe v. Wade if elected president, saying the U.S. Supreme Court decision legalizing abortion “was bad law and bad medicine.” Bad medicine? What is this, the old west? And did I miss something? Are you doctor? Or maybe you just played one on TV.
Would push for a constitutional amendment that protects states from being forced to honor gay marriages performed in other states. “I don’t think that one state ought to be able to pass a law requiring gay marriage or allowing gay marriage and have another state be required to follow along.”
Except for that whole “reciprocity” thing that comes with being “united” states. Apparently, the former Senator hasn’t been briefed on the concept of legal precedent. And also, "REQUIRING gay marriage." That's pretty effin' hilarious.
You know, if you work in the entertainment industry and you’re homophobic, then you are SERIOUSLY homophobic. In that industry, gay folk are everywhere, so you can’t really keep the stereotype running in your mind. And do we really want ANOTHER President who refuses to change his opinions, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary?
On Iraq: “We need to make every effort to make sure that we don’t get run out of there with our tail between our legs before we’ve done the job of securing that place.” And while he refused to discuss a timeline, he did say something about a planned ice rink in Hell.
You would think that, with all the backlash being heaped on the Bush presidency, the Republicans would have figured out they need a LESS conservative candidate, not some puppet of the American Jihad. But with the cast of White Guys running, and a very good chance that the Democratic nominee will be either a woman or an African American, it would be nice to have a clear difference between the candidates.
But given that I write about stupid people every day, it wouldn’t surprise me to see George handing the keys to Fred. Hey, somebody elected him a U.S. Senator.
Dude, I Said Get Me a BEER!
From our International Desk:
A 23 year old Serb was found naked, dead and half-eaten in the bear enclosure of the Belgrade Zoo. His clothes were found neatly folded in a corner of the cage, which we’re pretty sure means he entered the enclosure of his own volition, given that bears are well-known to be light-housework-averse.
Oh, did I mention that this weekend was the annual beer festival?
"There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage," said zoo director Vuk Bojovic. File that under, “ya think?”
It’s the naked part I can’t understand, though. Was the guy hot for one of the bears? Did the other bear suddenly wake up and attack in a jealous rage? “I thought you said he was hibernating,” said the human, before screaming like a nine year old girl at a Zac Efron concert.
There’s such a fine line between a stupid drunk and a dead one.
A 23 year old Serb was found naked, dead and half-eaten in the bear enclosure of the Belgrade Zoo. His clothes were found neatly folded in a corner of the cage, which we’re pretty sure means he entered the enclosure of his own volition, given that bears are well-known to be light-housework-averse.
Oh, did I mention that this weekend was the annual beer festival?
"There's a good chance he was drunk or drugged. Only an idiot would jump into the bear cage," said zoo director Vuk Bojovic. File that under, “ya think?”
It’s the naked part I can’t understand, though. Was the guy hot for one of the bears? Did the other bear suddenly wake up and attack in a jealous rage? “I thought you said he was hibernating,” said the human, before screaming like a nine year old girl at a Zac Efron concert.
There’s such a fine line between a stupid drunk and a dead one.
Birthday Wishes Especial
My beloved is one step closer to manopause today. “Lordy, he’s forty,” as we say in the south. Clever, huh? Almost as clever as the AARP jokes that were flying all weekend.
Friday, August 17, 2007
You Are Not Karl Rove
Thanks to my pal AMYZL for forwarding this article to me. I think it' s a lovely sentiment to end the week.
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2007/08/17/notes081707.DTL&nl=fix
enjoy.
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2007/08/17/notes081707.DTL&nl=fix
enjoy.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect One Million Dollars.
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I fuckin’ eat this shit up! It’s like an old comedy, where someone steps on the upright tines of a rake, causing the handle to flip up and hit them in the face. Only this time, the rake is a metaphor for “really freakin’ stupid.”
Christina Goodenow (I believe her first name is pronounced “not quite”), of White City, Oregon, won the lottery. A million bucks. Talk about lucky! Only problem is, she used a credit card she STOLE from her then-boyfriend’s DEAD MOTHER!
Seriously?!?! Grave Robber Wins Lotto! You can’t make this shit up!
She asked the lottery to keep her win quiet because she was a victim of domestic violence. Apparently she’s also clairvoyant, ‘cuz I bet the boyfriend beat her ass after he found out. Authorities figured it out though, when she continued to use the dead woman’s credit card as her personal shopper.
You know, I’ve got to learn how to post pics on here. If you could see this woman’s hair! It looks like a cross between mall hair with 80’s bangs and a mullet. It’s like she didn’t know if she wanted to be Linda Evans or a mall cop. (“Move along sir, nothing to see here! Please don’t congregate in front of the cellular phone kiosk, ma’am.)
So, Not Quite Goodenow gets busted. She pleads guilty to all charges. They take her million dollars away. And the judge sentences her to a month in jail, but . . .
Are you ready for this?
The judge gave her credit for the six months she had served earlier this year for methamphetamine possession!!!! WTF? So she’s a repeat offender who gets her sentenced lightened because she had already been in jail once this year? Calling all criminals! White City sounds like the place to commit a crime to me.
But then again, she did lose her lotto winning. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I always did laugh when that rake hit ‘em.
Christina Goodenow (I believe her first name is pronounced “not quite”), of White City, Oregon, won the lottery. A million bucks. Talk about lucky! Only problem is, she used a credit card she STOLE from her then-boyfriend’s DEAD MOTHER!
Seriously?!?! Grave Robber Wins Lotto! You can’t make this shit up!
She asked the lottery to keep her win quiet because she was a victim of domestic violence. Apparently she’s also clairvoyant, ‘cuz I bet the boyfriend beat her ass after he found out. Authorities figured it out though, when she continued to use the dead woman’s credit card as her personal shopper.
You know, I’ve got to learn how to post pics on here. If you could see this woman’s hair! It looks like a cross between mall hair with 80’s bangs and a mullet. It’s like she didn’t know if she wanted to be Linda Evans or a mall cop. (“Move along sir, nothing to see here! Please don’t congregate in front of the cellular phone kiosk, ma’am.)
So, Not Quite Goodenow gets busted. She pleads guilty to all charges. They take her million dollars away. And the judge sentences her to a month in jail, but . . .
Are you ready for this?
The judge gave her credit for the six months she had served earlier this year for methamphetamine possession!!!! WTF? So she’s a repeat offender who gets her sentenced lightened because she had already been in jail once this year? Calling all criminals! White City sounds like the place to commit a crime to me.
But then again, she did lose her lotto winning. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! I always did laugh when that rake hit ‘em.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Even Jesus Thinks You’re Stupid
You know, for people who quote from the Bible an awful lot, I’m amazed how often the hardcore Christians miss the finer points. You know, the really cryptic stuff like, LOVE YOUR FELLOW MAN and JUDGE NOT. That kind of thing. Of course, in Texas we are the Kings of Selective Religion. We use the Bible to justify a panoply of hateful feelings towards those we consider to be “sinners.” I’m quite certain this happens all over this great land, but I get a front row seat here in the Lone Star State.
And now, the High Point Church, a megachurch in Arlington, TX have joined their brethren in showing what true Christian love really means. Recently, their longtime janitor, Cecil Howard Sinclair, died. His family wanted his funeral to be at the church where he worked. He was also a Navy veteran, exactly the kind of loyal, patriotic, God fearing, hard-working dead guy you’d think High Point wanted to praise. They thought so, too. They even made a video.
And then the obit was published. See, Sinclair was gay. And the obituary listed his life partner as one of his survivors. AS IT SHOULD!!!
But the church got real squeamish real fast and REFUSED to hold the funeral service there. According to USA TODAY, The “pastor” Gary Simons (who happens to be married to Joel Osteen’s sister) claimed that nobody knew the janitor “was gay until the day before the Thursday service, when staff members putting together his video tribute saw pictures of men ‘engaging in clear affection, kissing and embracing.’”
What? No penetration? No farm animals? Nope. Not even a lustful gaze. Just “clear affection.” Not unlike a husband would show a wife or vice versa. It really makes me want to spread the word that Rev. Simons worked on a GAY video. It’s true. Even if it implies untruth.
I’m surprised Simons didn’t say something like, “He was real manly. He didn’t lisp or swish when he was mopping. He didn’t wear any kind of makeup to clean the toilets. There was that one time he poked me in the butt with a broom handle, but we laughed it off as manly horseplay.”
The article continued: “Simons said the church believes homosexuality is a sin, and it would have appeared to endorse that lifestyle if the service had been held there. ‘We did decline to host the service — not based on hatred, not based on discrimination, but based on principle,’ Simons told The Associated Press. ‘Had we known it on the day they first spoke about it — yes, we would have declined then. It's not that we didn't love the family.’
“IT’S NOT THAT WE DIDN’T LOVE THE FAMILY?!?!?!?!!?!? You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me!
Simons and his minions don’t know the meaning of love, especially not in a spiritual way.
He tried to excuse his bigotry and fear by pointing out that, (according to the article), “the church offered to pay for another site for the service, made the video and provided food for more than 100 relatives and friends. "Even though we could not condone that lifestyle, we went above and beyond for the family through many acts of love and kindness," Simons said.
Fuck you, asshole. It’s not a lifestyle. It’s a funeral. And there's a special place in Hell with your name on it.
Jesus would have handled it better.
And now, the High Point Church, a megachurch in Arlington, TX have joined their brethren in showing what true Christian love really means. Recently, their longtime janitor, Cecil Howard Sinclair, died. His family wanted his funeral to be at the church where he worked. He was also a Navy veteran, exactly the kind of loyal, patriotic, God fearing, hard-working dead guy you’d think High Point wanted to praise. They thought so, too. They even made a video.
And then the obit was published. See, Sinclair was gay. And the obituary listed his life partner as one of his survivors. AS IT SHOULD!!!
But the church got real squeamish real fast and REFUSED to hold the funeral service there. According to USA TODAY, The “pastor” Gary Simons (who happens to be married to Joel Osteen’s sister) claimed that nobody knew the janitor “was gay until the day before the Thursday service, when staff members putting together his video tribute saw pictures of men ‘engaging in clear affection, kissing and embracing.’”
What? No penetration? No farm animals? Nope. Not even a lustful gaze. Just “clear affection.” Not unlike a husband would show a wife or vice versa. It really makes me want to spread the word that Rev. Simons worked on a GAY video. It’s true. Even if it implies untruth.
I’m surprised Simons didn’t say something like, “He was real manly. He didn’t lisp or swish when he was mopping. He didn’t wear any kind of makeup to clean the toilets. There was that one time he poked me in the butt with a broom handle, but we laughed it off as manly horseplay.”
The article continued: “Simons said the church believes homosexuality is a sin, and it would have appeared to endorse that lifestyle if the service had been held there. ‘We did decline to host the service — not based on hatred, not based on discrimination, but based on principle,’ Simons told The Associated Press. ‘Had we known it on the day they first spoke about it — yes, we would have declined then. It's not that we didn't love the family.’
“IT’S NOT THAT WE DIDN’T LOVE THE FAMILY?!?!?!?!!?!? You’ve got to be fuckin’ kidding me!
Simons and his minions don’t know the meaning of love, especially not in a spiritual way.
He tried to excuse his bigotry and fear by pointing out that, (according to the article), “the church offered to pay for another site for the service, made the video and provided food for more than 100 relatives and friends. "Even though we could not condone that lifestyle, we went above and beyond for the family through many acts of love and kindness," Simons said.
Fuck you, asshole. It’s not a lifestyle. It’s a funeral. And there's a special place in Hell with your name on it.
Jesus would have handled it better.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Puppeteer Cuts the Strings
So, Karl Rove, “the architect” of the Bush presidency, has decided to step down for “family reasons.” Huh? Rove mated and spawned? I thought he lived in a little room somewhere in the bowels of the White House, spending his nights wringing his hands and whispering about his “precioussssss.”
I knew something was up before I even opened my browser this morning. Bells were pealing across the blue states (Austin is considered a “blue state in exile”), tolling with joy. Not so fast, people.
What happens when a dark lord steps out of the light? We can’t see what he’s doing anymore. And that scares the shit out of me.
Now, you could argue that Rove has done enough damage to this country to last for several presidencies. Bush wasn’t his first trip to the rodeo (although he is the biggest piece of bullshit). He has been masterminding smaller successes for years. Senator John Cornyn, the guy from Texas with the giant head and thin skin? The one who can generally be found attached to W’s ass, like a barnacle? That’s a Rove Product.
And now that he has achieved such exalted status, he will no doubt be called upon to work on even grander races. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if he surfaces in the 2008 elections. He couldn’t resist predicting that Hillary Clinton will be the 2008 Dem nominee. He also couldn’t resist calling her a "tough, tenacious, fatally flawed candidate." Well, Mr. Rove, you would know from fatally flawed.
My fervent hope is that the Congress will continue to heap loads of attention on Mr. Rove. Keep him busy with subpoenas and testifying. I’m a firm believer (and have it on good authority) that Karl was involved in nearly every decision to come out of the Oval Office. Or perhaps I should say the Vice President’s office. Not sure much happens in the oblong. Regardless, this shift is momentous. I think it signals a bit of an abandon ship mentality. This boat is sinking, so Karl is off to build a new boat.
Watch where he lands. If it’s in the camp of a Republican presidential candidate (and it won’t be McCain. Talk about a lost cause, even Rove’s necromancy couldn’t revive that stiff.), get ready to rumble. We don’t need another four years of Rove’s way.
I knew something was up before I even opened my browser this morning. Bells were pealing across the blue states (Austin is considered a “blue state in exile”), tolling with joy. Not so fast, people.
What happens when a dark lord steps out of the light? We can’t see what he’s doing anymore. And that scares the shit out of me.
Now, you could argue that Rove has done enough damage to this country to last for several presidencies. Bush wasn’t his first trip to the rodeo (although he is the biggest piece of bullshit). He has been masterminding smaller successes for years. Senator John Cornyn, the guy from Texas with the giant head and thin skin? The one who can generally be found attached to W’s ass, like a barnacle? That’s a Rove Product.
And now that he has achieved such exalted status, he will no doubt be called upon to work on even grander races. In fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if he surfaces in the 2008 elections. He couldn’t resist predicting that Hillary Clinton will be the 2008 Dem nominee. He also couldn’t resist calling her a "tough, tenacious, fatally flawed candidate." Well, Mr. Rove, you would know from fatally flawed.
My fervent hope is that the Congress will continue to heap loads of attention on Mr. Rove. Keep him busy with subpoenas and testifying. I’m a firm believer (and have it on good authority) that Karl was involved in nearly every decision to come out of the Oval Office. Or perhaps I should say the Vice President’s office. Not sure much happens in the oblong. Regardless, this shift is momentous. I think it signals a bit of an abandon ship mentality. This boat is sinking, so Karl is off to build a new boat.
Watch where he lands. If it’s in the camp of a Republican presidential candidate (and it won’t be McCain. Talk about a lost cause, even Rove’s necromancy couldn’t revive that stiff.), get ready to rumble. We don’t need another four years of Rove’s way.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
8 is (Apparently Not Even Close to Being) Enough
My good friend Heathero, who posts comments here frequently, apparently had a bad parenting day with her three young ‘uns this week. I wonder what she’d do if she were Michelle Duggar?
The headline read “Arkansas Couple Welcome Their 17th Child.” And the jokes began to fly in my head. Images of having to buy a new trailer with more pop outs. A clan of kids resembling lesser Simpson characters. Daddy and Mama fightin’ and fornicatin’. Makin’ babies out of anger. 19 people fighting over one piece of floss.
But as the link loaded, I was confronted with something entirely unexpected. The Duggars. A solidly middle class, nice-looking family, who, despite the preponderance of mall hair, appeared normal. If you could even possibly begin to use the word “normal” about a 17-sibling brood and the parents who made them. Oh, and they all had that beatific smile that smug Christians have. The one that looks like your Valium just kicked in.
It will come as no shock that God gets a shout out in the article. Something about being “blessed” by “Him.” Uh. Huh. God shone down on Tontitown, Arkansas.
Not really having a female perspective on things (except when I’m channeling the Boozy Stepmother), I truly can’t imagine someone being okay with spending ten-and-a-half years of their life with a bun in the oven. Someone needs to create a “super Kegel” for this woman.
Naturally, the children are home-schooled, which in the South pretty much means an hour a day of listening to Mom talk about Godliness and seven hours of household chores. Dad gives them a weekly lesson in Pontification.
Oh, did I mention that daddy’s name is Jim Bob? And that, in true stupid people fashion, they’ve given all the babies “J” names? Say hello to: Joshua, 19; John David, 17; Janna, 17; Jill, 16; Jessa, 14; Jinger, 13; Joseph, 12; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 9; Jedidiah, 8; Jeremiah, 8; Jason 7; James 6; Justin, 4; Jackson, 3; Johannah, almost 2 and little baby Jennifer, who will some day write a book about all the mental and physical abuse she suffered being a “middle” child.
What, you think they’re stopping at 17?
The headline read “Arkansas Couple Welcome Their 17th Child.” And the jokes began to fly in my head. Images of having to buy a new trailer with more pop outs. A clan of kids resembling lesser Simpson characters. Daddy and Mama fightin’ and fornicatin’. Makin’ babies out of anger. 19 people fighting over one piece of floss.
But as the link loaded, I was confronted with something entirely unexpected. The Duggars. A solidly middle class, nice-looking family, who, despite the preponderance of mall hair, appeared normal. If you could even possibly begin to use the word “normal” about a 17-sibling brood and the parents who made them. Oh, and they all had that beatific smile that smug Christians have. The one that looks like your Valium just kicked in.
It will come as no shock that God gets a shout out in the article. Something about being “blessed” by “Him.” Uh. Huh. God shone down on Tontitown, Arkansas.
Not really having a female perspective on things (except when I’m channeling the Boozy Stepmother), I truly can’t imagine someone being okay with spending ten-and-a-half years of their life with a bun in the oven. Someone needs to create a “super Kegel” for this woman.
Naturally, the children are home-schooled, which in the South pretty much means an hour a day of listening to Mom talk about Godliness and seven hours of household chores. Dad gives them a weekly lesson in Pontification.
Oh, did I mention that daddy’s name is Jim Bob? And that, in true stupid people fashion, they’ve given all the babies “J” names? Say hello to: Joshua, 19; John David, 17; Janna, 17; Jill, 16; Jessa, 14; Jinger, 13; Joseph, 12; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 9; Jedidiah, 8; Jeremiah, 8; Jason 7; James 6; Justin, 4; Jackson, 3; Johannah, almost 2 and little baby Jennifer, who will some day write a book about all the mental and physical abuse she suffered being a “middle” child.
What, you think they’re stopping at 17?
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Tancredo? That Doesn't Sound Like an American Name to Me
So, I’ve been in such a state of disbelief and shock from this that I haven’t been able to blog. (okay, that and a tequila binge) Believe me, I KNOW stupid. It's my job. And I recognize that the purveyors of such cut a wide swath across the populace. But sometimes, I just want to say, “Come ON! There’s no way you don’t know better than to say that!!”
You see, last week, Colorado Republican (and they're the worst kind, really) Tom Tancredo, a Congressman with a White House sparkle in his eyes, said that the best way to “deter any kind of aggression” from terrorists would be to bomb Mecca. And he said that anyone who didn’t agree with him “isn’t fit to be President.” WHA?!
I’m sorry, but given Tommy T’s rabid right-wingnut-ness, I’d think he’d be a little more hip to the ways of extremism. But I still have to say, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!!!! Total wack job.
But what really scares me is that there was APPLAUSE at the campaign stop. [shudder]
The State Department was unusually direct in their response, calling Tancredo’s comments “reprehensible” and “absolutely crazy.” Obviously, there are still some State Department employees leftover from the Clinton administration.
Now, the good news is, Tommy’s chances of even winning ONE state are roughly 30% less than than the chance of one of his supporters having a full set of teeth.
And if you, like me, have wondered why so many Republican dipshits have jumped into the race, think of this: They look at GW and think, “Hell, if America will elect that dumbass, I actually have a chance.”
And you can’t really fault that logic, America. Let’s hope we don’t make the same mistake next year.
You see, last week, Colorado Republican (and they're the worst kind, really) Tom Tancredo, a Congressman with a White House sparkle in his eyes, said that the best way to “deter any kind of aggression” from terrorists would be to bomb Mecca. And he said that anyone who didn’t agree with him “isn’t fit to be President.” WHA?!
I’m sorry, but given Tommy T’s rabid right-wingnut-ness, I’d think he’d be a little more hip to the ways of extremism. But I still have to say, YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKER!!!! Total wack job.
But what really scares me is that there was APPLAUSE at the campaign stop. [shudder]
The State Department was unusually direct in their response, calling Tancredo’s comments “reprehensible” and “absolutely crazy.” Obviously, there are still some State Department employees leftover from the Clinton administration.
Now, the good news is, Tommy’s chances of even winning ONE state are roughly 30% less than than the chance of one of his supporters having a full set of teeth.
And if you, like me, have wondered why so many Republican dipshits have jumped into the race, think of this: They look at GW and think, “Hell, if America will elect that dumbass, I actually have a chance.”
And you can’t really fault that logic, America. Let’s hope we don’t make the same mistake next year.
Friday, August 3, 2007
More Like "Outstanding Warrant"
Believe it or not, I’m actually a big supporter of “innocent until proven guilty,” although I have certainly been shocked out my seat a few times when a high profile defendant has been found “not guilty” in the face of overwhelming evidence, e.g. O.J. Simpson.
I also believe that Michael Vick deserves a fair trial, even though his buddy has already turned and copped a plea. So, let’s be honest. It doesn’t look good for Mr. Vick.
But apparently that isn’t stopping the stupid.
The Southern Christian Leadership Conference announced yesterday that they plan to honor Vick at their annual event this weekend. “We will recognize Vick as being an outstanding human being,” said SCLC President Charles Steele.
Motherfucker say wha?!?!?!?
You could convince me he’s a good football player, but in light of what we ALREADY KNOW TO BE TRUE about his pet ownership skills, you’re going to have a real challenge getting me to applaud his “outstanding human being”-ness.
Now of course, no one will be surprised that an organization with the words “southern” and “Christian” in its moniker wound up in THIS blog. Zealotry and Ignorance are such a potent cocktail.
But c’mon. Seriously?!?!? Is someone (Vick’s attorney’s perhaps) paying these people? Steele’s other comment might suggest that. “We’ll work with anyone who opens their heart and arms to us.” Apparently, by “heart and arms” he meant “big fat checkbook.”
Other attendees expected at the event include former President Clinton, soon-to-be President Clinton, soon-to-be Vice-President Obama and Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee, who apparently are only in the race to squander other people’s money, since neither of them have a snowball’s chance of making it to the White House.
It might be fun to go, just to see Obama and Clinton’s people maneuver their candidates as far away from Vick as possible. No photo ops for you, Mr. Dog Killer.
I also believe that Michael Vick deserves a fair trial, even though his buddy has already turned and copped a plea. So, let’s be honest. It doesn’t look good for Mr. Vick.
But apparently that isn’t stopping the stupid.
The Southern Christian Leadership Conference announced yesterday that they plan to honor Vick at their annual event this weekend. “We will recognize Vick as being an outstanding human being,” said SCLC President Charles Steele.
Motherfucker say wha?!?!?!?
You could convince me he’s a good football player, but in light of what we ALREADY KNOW TO BE TRUE about his pet ownership skills, you’re going to have a real challenge getting me to applaud his “outstanding human being”-ness.
Now of course, no one will be surprised that an organization with the words “southern” and “Christian” in its moniker wound up in THIS blog. Zealotry and Ignorance are such a potent cocktail.
But c’mon. Seriously?!?!? Is someone (Vick’s attorney’s perhaps) paying these people? Steele’s other comment might suggest that. “We’ll work with anyone who opens their heart and arms to us.” Apparently, by “heart and arms” he meant “big fat checkbook.”
Other attendees expected at the event include former President Clinton, soon-to-be President Clinton, soon-to-be Vice-President Obama and Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee, who apparently are only in the race to squander other people’s money, since neither of them have a snowball’s chance of making it to the White House.
It might be fun to go, just to see Obama and Clinton’s people maneuver their candidates as far away from Vick as possible. No photo ops for you, Mr. Dog Killer.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
They Can Dish It Out . . .
So the Bush Administration thinks the Democrats are on a “witch hunt.” They’re frustrated over Congress’ continued insistence to question senior White House officials about a variety of suspected wrongdoing. Now all we hear is whine, whine, whine.
Now first of all, I just want to say this, SUCK IT!!! It's your turn, bitches!
There. Now that I’ve reverted to 10th grade, I can move on. But seriously, don’t you love what pussies the Republicans are turning out to be. All that macho, militaristic, jingoistic posturing and religious extremism? Crumbling. Just like a school yard bully. One good punch to the nose usually solves the problem. Wish it were that easy.
Now what I find most amusing/annoying is that the Republicans didn’t seem to mind a little witch hunt of their own when Clinton was president. Lest we forget, Clinton’s impeachment was the result of a long, fruitless exploration of potential wrongdoing (none found) by the Special Prosecutor (Lord Voldemort). Granted, he committed perjury. BUT he lied about getting a blowjob. In a deposition about ANOTHER issue. I think Al Gonzales may have lied about that, too. I think he said he’d had one at some point. Not likely.
And I can’t help of thinking of the holier-than-thou types who get hoisted on their own petards. Hell, even the granddaddy of political sexual scandals, Gary Hart, brought it on himself by daring the press to prove he was having an affair. Two clicks of a shutter later, they were like, “Okay, how about this picture of you and your bimbo on a yacht.” End of presidential aspirations.
And now the American public has even caught on to The Boy Who Cried Osama and won’t be distracted by Bush’s terrorism scare tactics. And there is suddenly a whole lot of squirming going on in the executive branch. And for Cheney, in the newly created Legexecuto Branch, which is apparently responsible for the promulgation of all things evil.
As I was channel surfing last night, I came across some “stupid people” clips show. There was Bush, finishing a speech, striding off stage, cocky as always. He reached the double exit door and pulled. But it was locked. He tried the other door. It, too was locked. So he turns to the crowd, embarrassment covering his face. And stands there. Waiting for someone to tell him what to do.
Get used to it Mr. President. There’s no way out.
Now first of all, I just want to say this, SUCK IT!!! It's your turn, bitches!
There. Now that I’ve reverted to 10th grade, I can move on. But seriously, don’t you love what pussies the Republicans are turning out to be. All that macho, militaristic, jingoistic posturing and religious extremism? Crumbling. Just like a school yard bully. One good punch to the nose usually solves the problem. Wish it were that easy.
Now what I find most amusing/annoying is that the Republicans didn’t seem to mind a little witch hunt of their own when Clinton was president. Lest we forget, Clinton’s impeachment was the result of a long, fruitless exploration of potential wrongdoing (none found) by the Special Prosecutor (Lord Voldemort). Granted, he committed perjury. BUT he lied about getting a blowjob. In a deposition about ANOTHER issue. I think Al Gonzales may have lied about that, too. I think he said he’d had one at some point. Not likely.
And I can’t help of thinking of the holier-than-thou types who get hoisted on their own petards. Hell, even the granddaddy of political sexual scandals, Gary Hart, brought it on himself by daring the press to prove he was having an affair. Two clicks of a shutter later, they were like, “Okay, how about this picture of you and your bimbo on a yacht.” End of presidential aspirations.
And now the American public has even caught on to The Boy Who Cried Osama and won’t be distracted by Bush’s terrorism scare tactics. And there is suddenly a whole lot of squirming going on in the executive branch. And for Cheney, in the newly created Legexecuto Branch, which is apparently responsible for the promulgation of all things evil.
As I was channel surfing last night, I came across some “stupid people” clips show. There was Bush, finishing a speech, striding off stage, cocky as always. He reached the double exit door and pulled. But it was locked. He tried the other door. It, too was locked. So he turns to the crowd, embarrassment covering his face. And stands there. Waiting for someone to tell him what to do.
Get used to it Mr. President. There’s no way out.
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