Monday, March 17, 2008

There's a Reason They Call Them PRIVATE Parts

So the Big Gay Tennis Circuit came to town this weekend. Yes, there is a Big Gay Tennis tournament. And if you ever wondered why the rainbow is the National Flag of Gaynation, go to a Big Gay Tennis tournament near you. Every size, shape, color, ability level and Kinseys 2-6. There was ONE straight guy playing doubles. But I figure, if you’re that cool with it, you have to have at least ONE gay bone in your body. Or did at one time.

There was also a sighting of the increasingly rare Fag Hag. Now, for the uninitiated, I know that sounds horribly rude and sexist. But, truth is, the Fag Hag has been a staple of gay culture for decades. But as the need for gay men to have women they could trot out as ‘cover’ has diminished, so has the role of the hag.

In fact, it’s reversed itself a bit. Thus the seemingly ubiquitous phrase, “my gays” being spoken by cool chicks everywhere.

So, imagine my surprise at seeing an old-fashioned, stereotypical Fag Hag coming to watch her Gay play tennis.

First of all, her Gay should have been shot for letting her out of the house in that tennis dress. Let’s just say that there should NEVER be that much cellulite seeing the light of day unless you’re by a pool or an ocean. We were neither.

She began watching the boys warm up, which usually takes 10 or so minutes.

“Oh MY GOD!” Exclaimed FH. “They have been warming up for like, 15 minutes! Does he think I have all day to sit around and watch him play tennis?!?!”

Um. Excuse me. It’s not about YOU! It’s about HIM!

The match began and her boy wasn’t doing so well.

“Maybe I should flash my coochie. That always gets him going. But that would probably gross you all out.”

Pretty damn much, lady. Too much pink for this early in the morning.

On the change over, her boy took a seat on the court to rest.

“WHY is he sitting down. I DO NOT HAVE ALL DAY to watch tennis. I swear, I’m probably going to have to leave before this is over.”

But I knew she wasn’t going anywhere. If she had had somewhere to be, she wouldn’t have shown up in that outfit. And she hadn’t gotten to flash her coochie yet.

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