Thursday, February 7, 2008

South Be-otch

The INCREDIBLY emaciated girl was yelling into her phone about one of “her girls’” behavior. What? Was she a madam?

“MY girls don’t behave that way. She can find her own way back to Miami!” declared the stick figure (who by the way, was MUNCHING ferociously on a bag of assorted fast/junk foods. I kept praying that she would purge BEFORE we got on the plane . . . ).

Then, a woman and her two traveling companions very gently inserted themselves into the conversation to ask if the three seats around her were taken. I’m sure they were basing that assumption on the fact that Miss Ann Orexia (as I nicknamed her—Bu Limia seemed to Asian for some reason.) had spread her shit out all over the section.

“Is there nowhere else with three seats together?” she huffed. ("Ohhhh, Shit!" I thought. This could get good.)

“No.” replied the kindly woman.

So, vocalizing her exasperation, she gathered her things and the kindly people sat down.

Missy MOVED! I guess that showed them, huh?

Except that, almost immediately, one of the ladies decided she wanted to watch TV and noticed that there were three seats open RIGHT in front of the TV. So, they moved.

Miss Orexia was NOT well for it. And she went OFF on whoever was on the other end of the line.

I'm giggling my ass off. On the inside. 'Cause I don't want the 30 pound girl with junk food habit hatin' on MY ass.

“Oh my GOD!” she said. “This morbidly obese woman just came up and made me move all my stuff so she and her fat-ass friends could sit here. Then they MOVED! I cannot believe this.”

Uh . . . you moved first, bitch.

I kept waiting for an opportunity to pull my friend gardoggy’s trick. He inserts himself into the conversation, saying things like, “you’re kidding!” or “I didn’t know that.”

Then when people ask him what the deal is, he reads them the riot act about how there’s no way he could NOT participate, given the intrusive volume of the person’s conversation. I love gardoggy.

Unfortunately, she didn’t give me an opportunity to be clever. Oh, well. Surely she’d have to throw up soon.

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