God bounces check . . . and other stupid banking news.

I’m one of those people who thinks online banking is the coolest thing ever. Why? Because now I hardly ever have to stand in line at the real bank, behind people for whom filling out a deposit slip is more challenging than the math section of the SAT.

As I perused the news, I shuddered to think what would have happened had I been banking in Hobart, Indiana or Acworth, Georgia this week. First to our Southern sister. Now we all know that Georgia isn’t a hotbed of brainiacs. In fact, some would argue that there’s something about the state that just dumbs you down. Ask Whitney Houston. And her doody bubble.

Maybe it’s the humidity.

So, two blondes walk into a bank. And giggle while they rob it. Their “disguise?” Designer sunglasses. Now, girls, I know you read People Magazine and Vogue. When you see pictures of Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson—hell, ANY of the Jessicas—and they’re wearing GIGANTIC sunglasses, do you go, “Who’s that?” Okay, you probably do. But NORMAL people say, “Hey, look at those giant specs Paris is wearing. Are those Chanel?”

My point is—SUNGLASSES ARE NOT A DISGUISE. Unless they have a plastic nose and mustache attached to them. But I digress. The two girls are named ASHLEY and HEATHER-- Jesus/God, could they have MORE stereotypical blonde names? (apologies to my friend HOK, who is one of the smartest people I know. Anomaly.)

As they giggle (apparently, it’s a secret blonde language, which also includes uptalking and the all purpose, “ohmigod!”) they hand the teller a note demanding money. He gives it to them, along with his phone number, I’m sure. The whole episode is caught on the bank camera. Turns out the teller was in on the job. Everyone's caught. All go to jail. Heather and Ashley will now find a new level of popularity among the female inmate population. OMG!


Moving a little further north, WHO KNEW that Jehovah banked in Indiana. Wow! I can’t believe that bank doesn’t use Him in a testimonial or something. You see, a 21-year old named Kevin Russell tried to cash a $50,000 check from God himself at the Chase Bank in Hobart.

According to the detective on the case, the check was signed “King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant.” Okay, dude, first mistake—God doesn’t really use all of his titles when he's banking. You don’t see Elizabeth Windsor signing HER checks, “Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith," do ya? No. A Simple “Elizabeth R” does the trick. Of course, her face IS on the money.

Second, I bet God does his banking online.

But Mr. Kevin Russell apparently rode to the bank on the short bus. He didn’t have a prayer of cashing that check.