Thursday, March 8, 2007

Give Him an Inch . . .

I’m really not sure what to think about this one. See, there’s this piece on today, written by a former gay porn star, which is a punchline all unto itself. Mostly because the phrase “You like that, dontcha?” doesn’t crop up once. See, THIS former gay porn star is a student at Columbia. And he writes really well. I don’t necessarily agree with him, but wait, it gets better.

So he’s an Ivy League former gay porn star (I think I saw that one!). And he’s Latino. And he’s Republican. See where it starts to get hinky? And to top it off, he was actually in attendance at the Klan Rally (also known as the CPAC conference) where Ann Coulter called John Edwards a “faggot.” THEN he had his picture taken with her. (I don’t know, maybe he thought she was a man in drag, too!)

In his story, he takes to task “liberal, left-wing media” whom he later clarifies as “bloggers.” (Does this mean I can get media credentials now? Woo hoo!) for outing him. Apparently, a couple of bloggers recognized him from his previous line of work and called him out on it. One of the bloggers even dated him at some point.

Oh, I also forgot to mention that he’s an Army Reservist who has been an outspoken supporter of the war. And he’s 37, so porn, as a career, is way behind him. (I haven’t seen his movies—his career may have always been behind him.)

Now, assuming he didn’t just submit a Xerox of his 11-inch schlong as his application to Columbia, let’s operate under the presumption that he is also well endowed between his ears.

Or not.

See, he attributes this invasion of his privacy to the proliferation of search engines, because now anybody can dig up your past. DUDE, you were a porn star. That’s not a particularly private past. And I don’t really think your problem is getting googled.

I get that you want to be appreciated for your mind, but I can think of 11 reasons why that’s probably not going to happen. And blaming the internet is like me blaming tequila for . . . well, that’s beside the point. I blame tequila for a lot of things. Anyway, it’s good to know that the Big Tent of the Republican party has a place for a 37-year-old-Latino-Ivy League-former-porn-star-soldier-apologist-packing-a-footlong. I’m guessing it’s right between Ted Haggard and Mark Foley.

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