Hurricane Ig

So, in spite of the fact that we were supposed to be getting some collateral damage from Hurricane Ike, the worst thing that happened in Austin was that the wind blew my toss around during my tennis match on Saturday. Oh, how I suffer.

Our neighbors to the Southeast weren’t so lucky. Although the storm didn’t hit with nearly the force or surge that was predicted. I’m still very confused by the people who chose to stay and “ride it out.” Not the least bit surprised, however, by the fact that they all sound like out-of-tune banjos. In their interviews (and OMG have they allllll been lining up to get interviewed) they really do our free public education system proud.

“When I seen the water a risin’, I realized that maybe we shudda took off.” Or, “We was gunnah leave, but my mama said she weren’t gunnah leave, so wut could I do?”

Well, I would have said, “use your brain,” but I realized you already were at full bandwidth.

My favorite was the Three Generations In a Closet. Grandma, Daddy and his darlin’ babies, slept in a closet. But only after writing their names and social security numbers on their arms with a Sharpie. So their bodies could be identified in the worst-case scenario.

See, I’m pretty sure that if it’s threatening enough to have to write your fucking SS# on your skin in indelible ink, you might’ve thought about GETTING THE FUCK OUT!!!

Instead we were treated to a gap-toothed little girl, mugging for the camera, saying, “We survived it. Cuz we’re ISLANDERS!!!

I’m hoping they’ll make a hillbilly musical out of that one.

My next favorite was the old lady who called 911. When they came to rescue her, she sent them away, saying she didn’t want to leave, she was just hungry and could they bring her some food. I wish I had been the dispatcher on duty. I would have been, like, “I’m sorry bitch. Did you think you called Pizza Hut? What? They were closed? MAYBE BECAUSE THERE WAS A FUCKING HURRICANE COMING?” Click.

I think Darwin would have even raised an eyebrow at some of these folks.