Extreme Sports

Believe it or not, I’m a sports nut. I love to watch sports of all kinds (not just ice dancing or rhythmic gymnastics!). I played sports in high school and college, and I’m still bouncing around the tennis court in an attempt to recapture the glory days.

But I’ve never gotten the rabid nature of some sports fans. That do-or-die-for-my-team flavor. And to be honest, I generally disdain those people. A lot.

Not the loyalists, mind you. Just the rabid, myopic “hey, Beer Man!” types.

So imagine how wrinkled my nose was this morning when I read about a Yankees fan killing a Red Sox fan because they were arguing over whose team was better. Then imagine how surprised I was that the Yankees fan was a WOMAN. C’mon people! I know that beer and testosterone are a lethal cocktail, but isn’t that estrogen supposed to curb some of that reactive bullshit?

Apparently, 43 year old Ivonne Hernandez deliberately drove her car into a group of Red Sox fans she’d been arguing with in a bar. She claimed she was “just trying to scare them,” and thought they’d move out of the way. Guess what? You didn’t.

And guess what else? She was drunk. Never would have guessed THAT!

Dead was a 29 year old man. A man whose worst crime was chanting “Yankees Suck” with his friends. Hardly deserving of a death sentence. But apparently Ms. Hernandez felt differently.

So here’s what I think should happen to Hernandez, aka The Stupid Ass Bitch.

1. Since baseball rivalry was her key motivation, I think they should beat the shit out of her with a baseball bat, being careful to avoid vital organs or her head. Don’t want to kill her, just bust her up a bit. A couple of broken kneecaps and arms would be a nice painful start.

2. Put her in a men’s prison somewhere near Boston. And make her serve her time in a Yankees jersey, since she’s so fucking loyal. Wonder how brave she’d be about it then.

3. I think they should videotape all of the aforementioned and show it on every television in every sports bar across the country, with an announcer explaining her crime and punishment.

4. I think all sports bars (including Hooters) should be legislated out of business. (Okay, I don’t really think that has anything to do with it, but it’s a nice thought, right? Except then all those funky, rabid heteros would just show up somewhere else. Never mind. Keep the bars open.

Let me just say this: I hope the judge is a Red Sox fan.