Monday, May 19, 2008

Too Bad They DIDN'T Shoot Each Other

There’s something about a man in uniform that just works for me. I don’t know what it is, exactly, but they just seem so well put together. So . . . authoritative.

Ironically, there is one profession that requires a uniform, and the guys seem to always look like the biggest doofs. I’m talking about security guards. Rentacops. Whose uniforms deny them the very thing they crave. A respect of their authority.

It’s like they buy the uniforms in bulk, then hand them out randomly, with no regard to a person’s actual clothing size. The uniforms are almost always ill-fitting, the fabrics nasty and cheap.

Ironically, it makes most of these men look like they’re playing dress up. And, sadly, many of the men who inhabit them suffer from delusions of real authority, reinforcing the dress up scheme.

So when frequent AOTSP commenter HOK forwarded me the story about a security guard and a restaurant owner who shot each other with Tasers, I got an immediate visual image. I wonder if cheap polyester conducts electricity?

The two men were arguing over a boot the security guard had put on one of the restaurants vans. Apparently, Rentacop felt the van was parked on the parking lot HE was hired to protect. So he booted it.

YOU WILL RESPECT MY AU-THOR-I-TIE! Or I will boot your ass, bitch.

During the heated exchange between the two “boneheads” (that’s the actual word the police used to describe them), the restaurant owner claims the man in the ill-fitting uniform placed his hand on his holstered GUN (are you fucking kidding me? They gave him a GUN?!?!?) and threatened to shoot.

The Rentacop acknowledged that he had placed his hand on the gun, but never threatened. As if the hand on the holstered gun doesn’t send a message that’s clear as a fucking bell.

YOU WILL RESPECT MY AU-THOR-I-TIE! Or I will shoot your ass, bitch!

In the end, they just whipped out their Tasers and stunned each other into submission. Apparently, neither possessed a penis worth brandishing.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So 5 sheriffs walked into the store the other day (this is not the segway to a joke) one is massive close to 7 feet tall, huge hands and you can see by his face somethings not right. Besides the fact that he has what looks like another head growing out of the back of his original head. And he talked like mike tyson only worse. He was hard to look at and harder to understand and I was thinking these guys were really sweet for making him their mascot and all until I saw the gun. WTF?? They gave him a gun ?? And this wasnt a security guard this was a bonafide sheriff ma'am. And I wondered why my employee who had taken mush before he came to work was crying on the phone because he thought the sheriffs were coming. Gotta love me some Bastrop....