Thursday, May 3, 2007

When Good Drugs Make Stupid People Do Bad Things

CNN reported today that an unmarried couple in Ohio locked their two children in a cage while the parents did drugs. Why couldn’t they get a babysitter to watch the kids while they did drugs like a normal couple, you ask? My guess is daddy had already impregnated all the available babysitters and they were just biding time until someone with a pubescent daughter moved a new trailer into the neighborhood.

But I digress. Apparently, the couple aged 28 (her) and 37 (him) used the dog cage and a remote controlled shock collar as disciplinary tools. “They wasn’t just for when we was doin’ drugs,” said the mom. “It was any time them ungrateful little rug rats needed a timeout. Kids is hard work.”

In his defense, the father said, “Dogs are a man’s best friend. And if this cage and collar are good enough for my dogs, then they’re good enough for my bastard children who need to learn to keep their fuckin’ mouths shut.”

Authorities searching the premises (and yes, it was a trailer—SHOCKING!) found it “filled with garbage.” When asked for a comment, the mom said, “That ain’t garbage. Them’s objets d’art. People say they’ll know it when they see it, but people don’t know shit about art.”

The children were being held by Child Protective Services until one of their relatives could get their trailer to town.

So the moral of the story? Don’t do drugs!

Or at least don’t do drugs in front of your children. But, if you HAVE to do drugs in front of your children, don’t lock ‘em in a cage. But, if you are going to lock them in a cage, make sure the motherfuckin’ lock works and your little tattletale white trash bastard children don’t run tellin’ the neighbors your business.

Or you could just shoot yourself and reduce the stupid population by a fraction.

No comments: