Thursday, May 17, 2007

Male Pattern Stupidity

You know, I’m always a little surprised that Republicans invoke the name of Ronald Reagan as if he were the greatest president of all time—almost god-like. (Although I guess it’s a bit like the Dems always invoking Kennedy, who really should only get credit for being the first President who didn’t have a figurative stick up his ass. Not sure about the literal.)

A couple of weeks ago, in the first Republican presidential debate, the topic of stem cell research came up. Now, it’s pretty common knowledge that stem cells hold tremendous promise in the treatment of a multitude of health issues, including Alzheimer’s, the very disease that robbed Ronald Reagan of his mental faculties. (Many of my people would snarkily suggest that perhaps the Alzheimer’s had set in as early as the 80’s.)

But, here we are in 2007. And science is at a crossroads. Facing a giant Republican/Religious Right roadblock. Because apparently the Republican presidential candidates don’t think Ronald Reagan was worth saving after all. One by one, they went on the record against stem cell research. At the Reagan Library. In front of Nancy Reagan. Nice.

Why? Because it involves fetuses (feti?). And Republicans value a fetus more than just about anything. (Unless, of course, it’s in your mistress, in which case they always seem to have the name of a discreet doctor handy).

Send a bunch of our men and women to die on foreign soil for specious reasons? Sure, why not? That’s called patriotism. But keep your hands off the American fetus.

I always love that the argument centers on “fetus harvesting” like some bad movie. Of course, the Republicans use scare-tactics better than anyone in history. The Salem Witch trials were more subtle. Why one candidate won’t step up and say, “Look, dumbass crackers, we’re not going to cut your inbred bellies open and take your little Waylon Wayne off to the stem cell factory,” I don’t know.

Now comes news that could shift the debate. Researchers have found that stem cells can regrow hair. And CNN even used a picture of Bruce Willis to illustrate the article, which given his Republican leanings, I find quite amusing. Now, we’re talking about mice here, but they say human applications could be less than five years away. Wow. I wouldn’t have to PRETEND to flip my hair anymore!

The downside is, it will lead to a rash mullets. The upside? The only time the R’s talked about Fetus, they’d be referring to the guy who pumps their gas in rural Mississippi. Plus, there’d be no more need for those annoying Hair Club for Men commercials. Isn’t that argument enough? No, how about no more combover for The Donald?

Of course, lack of hair is definitely big on the list of “white man insecurity.” But the real seismic shift in the debate will come when they announce that stem cells can give you a bigger penis. That’ll be a quick vote, with NO chance of veto.

Maybe then, Republican women won’t look so dour.

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