Pardon My French

Twice in the last 24 hours, I have been in meetings where someone has said, “excuse me, but . . .” just before they used a curse word. And I suddenly discovered a new pet peeve.

You see, I love to cuss. I love using all of those words. In fact, with ONE notable exception that begins with “c” I use ‘em all on a regular basis. I know, this comes as a shock to exactly NONE of you. My mother used to beg me to find alternatives for my “foul language.” I would simply retort that it wasn’t a vocabulary issue. I don’t use these words because I lack alternatives. I use them because I think they’re the perfect words sometimes. So sue me. And fuck off.

But I discovered yesterday that I actually throw up in my mouth a little bit when someone apologizes preemptively, then uses the most benign cuss words. Damn, hell and shit are practically Pollyanna in my book. And excuse me motherfucker, but if you have the self-control to apologize, then don’t use the fucking word. You’re obviously a pussy, so just revert back to your goshes and darns and geewhillickers.

And what do the French have to do with it. French is one of the most lyrical, poetic languages. Even when they spit out the word “merde” (shit, for those of you aren’t cuss-bilingual), it sounds like something from the sea! Is it because our grandparents, just as they were “saving their frog asses from the Nazis” realized the French were a bit . . . saucy? If you're going to say "pardon my French" then SAY SOMETHING IN FRENCH for fuck's sake.

It’s false piety. It’s the worst kind of apologea. The same goes for substitute words. Frickin’, freakin’ fargin’—it’s all fuckin’, okay? You MEAN the same thing. You just don’t say what you mean.

I had an uncle who would say “goshdamnit.” Whatevs. I’m pretty sure the big guy either doesn’t care, or can see right through your intent. I have the same disdain for people who say “oh my gosh.” Really? Do you realize how absurd that is? Saying “Oh My God” is actually a cry to your higher power. And who is your gosh, anyway?

So the next time you feel compelled to apologize before you use the word “butt,” just stop. Just say the word. NO ONE cares. And if they do, you don’t want to be around them anyway. Now, if one of those folks had said, “Excuse me, that’s just fucking bullshit,” I might not have minded so much.