Making Babies in Batches

Okay, maybe it’s a hetero thing and I just don’t get it. But what the fuck is the American public’s fascination with multiple births? The top story in our local paper today is a local family that is expecting quintuplets. The TOP STORY.

Really? There’s nothing more pressing or vital than a couple of breeders who managed to fertilize FIVE EGGS at once? You’d never know that we are mere days away from an historic turning point in American history. You’d never know that Israel and Hamas are bombing the shit out of each other.

No, we want to laud and publicize this “blessing” of “God’s will.”

Naturally, the couple are avid churchgoers. In fact, there were originally SIX fertilized eggs and the doctors recommended “selective reduction” to ensure the viability of some of the babies, but the couple refused. One of the feti didn’t develop, so now there will just be 5 new hungry mouths to feed. Plus the kid they already had.

My favorite paragraph from the article is:

“Casey and Ethan met in the seventh grade at the "Howdy" back-to-school dance in Denton. He was a soccer player with spikey hair and a pseudo-mullet. She was a green-eyed blonde with long permed hair and big '80s bangs.”

Are you fucking kidding me? This is NEWS? This is my TOP STORY of the day?

Of course their friends are “rallying around” and donating tons of things like diapers and high-chairs (I sent a giant box of condoms and a bottle of RU486). All of this will go into their four-bedroom 3800 square foot home. Nice. (You know, I just can’t help thinking how much nicer it would have been for 5 underprivileged families to have received this kind of help.)

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, my beloved is an avid viewer of “Jon and Kate + 8” a treacly reality show about a bossy wife and her pushover husband how had TRIPLETS, then QUINTS. I have to leave the room when it’s on. More than a minute or two and I start to feel my NRA membership kicking in.

In the end, though, I respect that individuals have the right to breed profligately, if they so desire. But it really does baffle me. And I think that God probably has his own sense of humor. “You wanted some babies? I’ll give you some babies!!!”

I have a feeling Casey and Ethan may not be as enamored of the whole thing a few weeks after the babies are born.