Monday, January 5, 2009

And I Thought Carville and Matalin Had Issues

I have a longstanding love/hate relationship with Christmas letters. Or hate/love.

You know the ones. The rambling, chatty letters from friends and family you don't really ever talk to, providing way TMI about their goings-on for the past 12 months.

“Becky’s still in National Honor Society. We’re so grateful to God and Jesus that she’s had her studies to distract her from her anus horribleness (as Queen Elizabeth would say). At the beginning of the year, she found herself in a family way. I think she considered trying to convince us it was another “virgin birth” situation, but I just flat out told her flat out, “Unless you’re planning on naming that baby Jesus 2, you better tell the truth.” Fortunately, we were able to place the baby in a good home. Becky was distraught at first, but since Blake (her former beau and father of the child) needed to focus all his energy on his senior year performance (he’s quarterback of the football team) so that he can get a scholarship to Tech, parenting just wasn’t in the cards. And Ed and I really believe that a child should be raised by a mother AND a father, so we insisted that the baby be given up.”

Obviously, that’s fiction, but I swear my Aunt Glendene’s letters were never far from this. Surgeries. Illness. New calves a-birthin’. Nothing was too mundane for Glendene.

This year, however, I received my very first ever Christmas letter from a gay couple. The first 19 paragraphs were all about E and his joy of the season. The paper was lined with poinsettia leaves. It was holly jolly right down to the next to the last paragraph. That’s where E’s partner D appeared. I paraphrase, but not by much:

“D is still actively involved in the Atheist community here in (our little town). His energy and dedication have seen him quickly evolve as a leader in this movement and he seems to derive great joy from it.”

What? The Fuck?

That has to top it all. Baby Jesus and Atheism, all in one letter. Let me tell you, I don’t care what it takes this year, but I will MAKE SURE I am on their mailing list next year.

No comments: