Monday, June 30, 2008

Tiaras and Tears

I have confessed before in this forum my weakness for beauty pageants. Some people watch horror movies. I watch grown women play dress up in some gay man’s interpretation of what a chaste straight man would find “sexy.” Got that?

I giggle uncontrollably at the fake smiles, the awkward posture and the cheesy music.

Well, this year, it got even better. A longtime friend of mine was actually asked to be a JUDGE. So I had to watch. Right?

Now, this was Miss Texas USA, which has always sort of been the skankier half-cousin of the Miss America feeder pageants. The makeup’s always a bit more garish. The gown’s just a bit more risqué. You know.

So right off the bat, they parade the nubile lasses out in matching swimsuits. I’m sad. One of the most pleasing parts of the show is watching a young woman parade her chosen swimsuit for the judges. Screams, followed by paroxysms of laughter and a heartfelt round of “bless her heart.” Alas, they all match.

But then they start the bio bits:

Miss Montgomery County! Once participated in a poverty simulation where she took the role of a homeless person for a weekend. In Waco.

Miss Houston! She has lived in or visited 15 countries around the world.

Miss Rio Grande Valley! 3 Time regional finalist in diving. In high school she wrote and co-directed a student produced play. (And she almost fell off the stage.)

Miss North Central Texas! Her dream job would be traveling the world and rating 5 star hotels (uh . . . aren’t they already rated? Isn’t that why they call them “5 Star Hotels?”). One of her strongest talents? Walking in high heels. (That’s called a “skill” honey, a “skill.”)

Miss Dallas County! 3rd generation pageant competitor. (That’s it?)

Miss South Central Texas! Has had two original poems published.

Miss Lake Austin! She’s blonde.

Miss Port Laredo: Her mental strength is what makes her unique. (Bend my spoon! BEND my spoon!)

Harris County! Hey, she’s also blonde.

Miss Laredo! She’s fluent in English and Spanish. (Which comes in real handy when you live on the US-MEXICO BORDER!!!)

Boy, this is going to be fun!


mandrax's s.o. said...

seriously, i'm in a quandry is it o'pine vernacular or did you really mean to say "high heels"?

O'Pine said...

Gracias, MSO! "heels" was what I was looking for.

Matty D said...

Some times I "bend my spoon" twice a day...