See Mama, I Can SANG!

Even though I grew up in banjoland I’ve never really taken to country music. There are certainly exceptions to that rule, artists whose craft transcends the genre. I think Wynonna Judd is amazing. Ditto Garth Brooks. But I guess it’s the pop-ier sounding acts that catch my ear. (And Keith Urban sure is pretty. Bonus points for being Aussie.)

So, inexplicably (okay it can probably be explained by the tequila and a lonely hotel room) I tuned into the first performance episode of Nashville Star. Having been a devotee of American Idol, I thought it would essentially be a parallel yokel universe. And in many ways, it was. There was the judge who used the word “pitchy” a lot (conveniently seated camera left) and Jewel’s use of the word “pageanty” to describe another contestant. Honey, just ‘cuz you’re seated in the Simon seat doesn’t mean you need to steal the vocabulary.

And can I just ask why all these country performers are dressed like rock and pop stars from 15 years ago? I mean, Billy Ray Cyrus (of the achy breaky hair fame)? Dude, why did you steal that Chris Gaines look from Garth Brooks? That little aside was the worst mistake of his career. And curly, long-haired blond boy? WHAT UP with that mane? You should have given that wig to Farrah Fawcett when she was going through her chemo. It would have worked on her.

And Cowboy in the Middle? Working that black hat and moustache like he was J.R. Ewing. There was a reason why they shot him, you know?

I do have to give props to Jewel, though. She was excellent in her critiques (which wasn’t hard since everyone sucked) and even got a good dig in on Blondie—“What are you talking about with your one octave range? What do you know?” Tee hee.

Oh, you’re probably wondering about the performances. Atrocious. Awful. Abysmal. How’s that for unequivocal? There wasn’t a single performer who stayed in tune through the whole song. Until the fat lady sang.

Yep, that’s right. The producers of this mess let a plus-size mother of three get through to the finals. And in a wink-wink, nudge-nudge moment, let her sing last. And boy was I glad I stuck through the crap. Because my big sister ROCKED THE FREAKIN’ HOUSE! She was awesome.

I’m sure lots of the other contestants (including a yummy underwear model from LA) were nervous about their big moment. But not my girl. She carpe diem’d the shit out that song.

Don’t know that I’ll bother watching again. Although it could be a goldmine for this blog.