Thursday, June 19, 2008

Teensy Weensy Thong, Oh My! Poke a Cougar in the Eye

According to Perez Hilton, the blogger god, via The Smoking Gun (which would be the greatest place in the world to work if you were a lawyer who didn’t really want to practice. Or if you were Gladys Kravitz) an LA woman is suing Victoria’s Secret because she was injured by her thong.

Macrida Patterson, 52, claims that a design flaw caused a little decorative metallic piece to fly up and injure her eye.

Okay, first of all honey, YOU’RE 52!!! I’m not saying you need to be jumping into the Wal-Mart granny panties yet, but seriously? A thong? Are you sure it wasn’t those rolls of cellulite trying to keep from being forced into that little fabric that flipped the little metal thing up? Or maybe it was just God’s way of telling you to TAKE THAT SHIT OFF!

Now even though I’m not all that interested in Ladies’ undergarments, as a gay man, I do have license to critique fashion decisions. And I’d like to announce today a new movement: THONGS ARE WRONG. In all cases. On men and women. Cougar and kitten. European or Alabaman. Or Linda (Bollea) Hogan.

I don’t care how hot your ass is. I don’t care how many hours a day you spend doing squats. I don’t care that your waxer gives the best Brazilian in the western hemisphere. I don’t even care if you have a stripper name like Macrida. STOP THE MADNESS.

It ruined Sisquo’s career. And it will ruin yours too. (disclaimer: there is no actual empirical evidence to suggest that wearing a “thong” will in any form, shape or fashion actually jeopardize your career. In fact, if you are a sexy woman and have a ridiculously heterosexual boss, it could temporarily give you a leg up, so to speak.)

But back to the lawsuit. I’m hoping Victoria’s Secret will use a product defamation defense, whereby they accuse the Cougarlady of devaluing the underwear by wearing them. Hopefully now she’s back to buying her underwear in the three-pack.

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