Thursday, June 5, 2008


Recently, the speaker of the California Assembly came under fire for his official spending habits. A lifelong Democrat, the (now former) Speaker Fabian Nunez apparently liked to shop and travel (and yes, the middle “n” should have a tilde over it, but I don’t know which key that is. Does that make me racist?).

The LA Times uncovered big dinners in Paris ($1,795 for one meal), $2,562 in “office supplies” from Louis Vuitton (are we sure he’s straight?) and a “business meeting” at a winery in Bordeaux ($5,149). Sounds like one of my “business meetings” only I’m more likely to be found at the bottom of a bottle of cheap Mexican beer.

When all this came to light, it apparently pissed off Mr. Nunez. He felt the time had come to comment.

"Because of the fact I am Mexican, they think I have to sleep under a cactus and eat from taco stands."

Por favor, girl. (are we sure he’s straight?)

Okay, first off, Bitch, you are not Mexican. You were born in San Diego. Pretty sure that makes you an AMERICAN. You may be of Mexican ancestry, but there are a whole lot of people who actually ARE Mexican who would be happy trade places with you.

AND . . . you look like a whitebread Republican. Or a news anchor. You’re not exactly an “uvas no!” type of guy. Come to think of it, you actually DO look like the type who would drop a couple thou on a sweet meal in Paris.

Second, I’m betting a lot of your constituents would RATHER you eat at a taco stand than spend their money on a Vuitton briefcase or a nice Bordeaux. But you know, the more I think of it, the more I realize that maybe I’m just jealous. I mean, my beloved buys me Louis Vuitton, but it’s not the same as a stranger doing it for you.

Therefore I am officially establishing the O’Pine Extravagance Fund For Change and Excess. I personally guarantee that any money contributed will be used as frivolously and decadently as possible. And I will personally blog about what I did with YOUR specific contribution.

You COULD send a little chump change to feed some kid in Africa. BORING! Why not send me those greenbacks and let the fun begin. I’ll send you photos of me trying on ridiculously tight Gucci trousers in Monte Carlo (Is that Diddy in the background?) or me at some AMAZING restaurant in Paris sending the escargot back disdainfully after remembering I don’t’ like them. The possibilities are endless. But only with your help.

Can’t you find it in your heart to give?


Anonymous said...

oh man! your timing truly sucks. you see, as much as i'd love to contribute to your mission to out-frivolous our great states' politicos, i just got home from a lovely dinner with my beloved and mr. o to celebrate 20 years together. so keeping in mind i'm poor now, you'll just have to settle for a camo backpack from cabella's.

thirdcoast2leftcoast said...

new use for our "economic stimulus" checks.