Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Someone Needs to Ask the Anal Probing Questions!

Every once in a while, my friend HOK and I blog on the same subject. She writes an amazing blog on balancing wifeyness, mommyness and professional lady land, with knitting, running and the occasional migraine as the glue. (hokgardner.blogspot.com)

She is also terrified of UFOs, which I find highly amusing (sorry HOK!). Mostly cuz I’m evil like that.

So when I saw the article on CNN about UFO sightings in the greater Stephenville/Dublin/Hico area, I knew what I was going to be writing about. I didn’t realize that HOK would address it as well. But I ain’t skeered, as we say in certain parts of Texas (mostly the sheep-fucker parts).

Now, first I must confess that I spent many a lazy summer day at my grandparent’s farm in Stephenville. And the only flying object I ever saw had wings and chirped. (Unless you count the Turley’s lunging German Shepherd. I still have a little souvenir on my right cheek from that one.)

But Stephenville is country as country gets. The article says that “several dozen people, including a pilot, a county constable and business owners” have seen the “UFO.” HOK seems to think that gives the story some credibility.

I would like to remind you all, gentle readers, that Stephenville is closer to the shallow end of the gene pool. Even though there’s a perfectly respectable college there (affiliated with Texas A&M U, gol darn it!), it’s still not a brainiac watering hole. So the fact that someone owns a business or got elected Constable isn't necessarily a rousing endorsement of credibility.

But let’s get to the quotes, shall we.

From Steve Allen, who owns a freight company, and said the object was a mile long and half a mile wide:

“"People wonder what in the world it is because this is the Bible Belt, and everyone is afraid it's the end of times.”

Now, for me, the “end of times” refers to Happy Hour. But did you ever think, Steve, that maybe this object is the giant BUCKLE of the bible belt? Or maybe, just maybe, are you so fucking stupid as to not realize that an object hovering near the ground that was a MILE long and a HALF MILE wide would have blocked the sun?

I would shit my pants and cry for mama if I saw that, not sit around going, “Well, golly! That thang shore is big” (I reserve that phrase for more private times.)

Mr. Gray Matter went on to say, “"It was positively, absolutely nothing from these parts."

Yeah, well that could make it a book or a molar or a clue, if you want to get picky about it.

From machinist Ricky Sorrells, who saw a large flat metallic object hovering about 300 feet over his fields:

"You hear about big bass or big buck in the area, but this is a different deal. It feels good to hear that other people saw something, because that means I'm not crazy."

No, Ricky, that’s not exactly what it means. It just means you may have actually seen something. You may still be crazy.

According to CNN,Sorrells went on to say that he has seen the object several times. He even watched it through his rifle's telescopic lens (uh, that would be a “scope”) and described it as very large and without seams, nuts or bolts.

Hmm. No nuts. So at least we know it’s female.

The Air Force, which has SEVERAL bases nearby, said they “didn’t see nuthin’.” And the article also reveals that the Air Force no longer investigates UFOs. So . . . that means there’s either a SECRET government agency responsible for investigating UFOs. Or . . . the object(s) belong to the Air Force in the first place.

Hmmm. Would our government really keep secrets from us?


hokgardner said...

Well fine. Make fun of me.

thirdcoast2leftcoast said...

This is obviously the result of drinking too much real sugar Dr. Pepper.

Anonymous said...

"I never asked for the anal probe" a line in passion fish...