Can we please stop referring to Casey Anthony as the Tot Mom? She has a name and deserves to have it spat out of people’s mouth with all the venom and loathing they can possess. Of course, it doesn’t help me that Nancy Grace, the Paula Deen of soft news, coined the term. GAWD, that woman (Grace) grates on me. My idea of hell would be to be trapped in a small room with her and Rachael Ray. FINGERNAILS on chalkboard, with a side of righteous indignation. Shoulda been a preacher Nance. Then there would be almost NO chance of me stumbling across your ridiculous rhetoric.
But back to Casey Anthony. What is a Tot Mom? Does anyone even use the word Tot? Ever? Obviously, she’s innocent until proven guilty. But I’m pretty sure that if she WERE innocent, she might have been a little more helpful throughout all this. I’m thinking coat her naked body with something gators like (what do gators like, besides Sooners?), tie her ass to a stake in the swamp and broadcast it live. Or is that not punishment enough?
Then maybe Nancy Grace could start referring to her as Gator Bait. Or Half-eaten Mom. Either way, the story would be put to rest. Who knows, maybe Nancy Grace would have to go off the air since she didn't have anything to talk about.
Now what can we do about Rachael Ray?
Monday, January 19, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Making Babies in Batches
Okay, maybe it’s a hetero thing and I just don’t get it. But what the fuck is the American public’s fascination with multiple births? The top story in our local paper today is a local family that is expecting quintuplets. The TOP STORY.
Really? There’s nothing more pressing or vital than a couple of breeders who managed to fertilize FIVE EGGS at once? You’d never know that we are mere days away from an historic turning point in American history. You’d never know that Israel and Hamas are bombing the shit out of each other.
No, we want to laud and publicize this “blessing” of “God’s will.”
Naturally, the couple are avid churchgoers. In fact, there were originally SIX fertilized eggs and the doctors recommended “selective reduction” to ensure the viability of some of the babies, but the couple refused. One of the feti didn’t develop, so now there will just be 5 new hungry mouths to feed. Plus the kid they already had.
My favorite paragraph from the article is:
“Casey and Ethan met in the seventh grade at the "Howdy" back-to-school dance in Denton. He was a soccer player with spikey hair and a pseudo-mullet. She was a green-eyed blonde with long permed hair and big '80s bangs.”
Are you fucking kidding me? This is NEWS? This is my TOP STORY of the day?
Of course their friends are “rallying around” and donating tons of things like diapers and high-chairs (I sent a giant box of condoms and a bottle of RU486). All of this will go into their four-bedroom 3800 square foot home. Nice. (You know, I just can’t help thinking how much nicer it would have been for 5 underprivileged families to have received this kind of help.)
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, my beloved is an avid viewer of “Jon and Kate + 8” a treacly reality show about a bossy wife and her pushover husband how had TRIPLETS, then QUINTS. I have to leave the room when it’s on. More than a minute or two and I start to feel my NRA membership kicking in.
In the end, though, I respect that individuals have the right to breed profligately, if they so desire. But it really does baffle me. And I think that God probably has his own sense of humor. “You wanted some babies? I’ll give you some babies!!!”
I have a feeling Casey and Ethan may not be as enamored of the whole thing a few weeks after the babies are born.
Really? There’s nothing more pressing or vital than a couple of breeders who managed to fertilize FIVE EGGS at once? You’d never know that we are mere days away from an historic turning point in American history. You’d never know that Israel and Hamas are bombing the shit out of each other.
No, we want to laud and publicize this “blessing” of “God’s will.”
Naturally, the couple are avid churchgoers. In fact, there were originally SIX fertilized eggs and the doctors recommended “selective reduction” to ensure the viability of some of the babies, but the couple refused. One of the feti didn’t develop, so now there will just be 5 new hungry mouths to feed. Plus the kid they already had.
My favorite paragraph from the article is:
“Casey and Ethan met in the seventh grade at the "Howdy" back-to-school dance in Denton. He was a soccer player with spikey hair and a pseudo-mullet. She was a green-eyed blonde with long permed hair and big '80s bangs.”
Are you fucking kidding me? This is NEWS? This is my TOP STORY of the day?
Of course their friends are “rallying around” and donating tons of things like diapers and high-chairs (I sent a giant box of condoms and a bottle of RU486). All of this will go into their four-bedroom 3800 square foot home. Nice. (You know, I just can’t help thinking how much nicer it would have been for 5 underprivileged families to have received this kind of help.)
Now, in the interest of full disclosure, my beloved is an avid viewer of “Jon and Kate + 8” a treacly reality show about a bossy wife and her pushover husband how had TRIPLETS, then QUINTS. I have to leave the room when it’s on. More than a minute or two and I start to feel my NRA membership kicking in.
In the end, though, I respect that individuals have the right to breed profligately, if they so desire. But it really does baffle me. And I think that God probably has his own sense of humor. “You wanted some babies? I’ll give you some babies!!!”
I have a feeling Casey and Ethan may not be as enamored of the whole thing a few weeks after the babies are born.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Bobbitt One-Upped
I saw a report today on one of my favorite blogs that an Australian woman had set her husband’s penis on fire. (insert burning bush joke here) Apparently, she saw him hug another woman and immediately assumed an affair. Because . . . that’s what people do when they’re having an affair? Hug their girlfriends in front of their wives? Uh-huh.
So Mrs. Loster Marbles decides that she wants to “mark” her hubby’s piece as “her property.” Could you not have just pissed on it? Or maybe used a sharpie to write your name, like you do on kids’ clothes for camp?
But wait! Apparently, she doused his member in a flammable liquid, set it on fire while he was asleep. Naturally, the smell of burning hair and flesh (and maybe the pain) woke him up. In his frenzy put out the “fire down below” the fellow knocked over the flammable liquid, set the house on fire and caused over a million dollars worth of damage. And threatening the lives of their three children, who were sleeping at the time and barely made it out of the blaze.
Crazy people. When will they learn. Not that a burned stump of a dick isn’t a definite deterrent to future extramarital activity, but HEY CRAZY LADY, it’s also a deterrent to intra-marital relations. So NOW what are you going to do? Oh, that’s right, you’ll be taking a broomstick up the ass from some lovely lass in the Aussie penal system.
The man whose shrimp was put on the barbie has denied any extramarital infidelity. I can only assume he will honestly be able to say that from now on, as well.
So Mrs. Loster Marbles decides that she wants to “mark” her hubby’s piece as “her property.” Could you not have just pissed on it? Or maybe used a sharpie to write your name, like you do on kids’ clothes for camp?
But wait! Apparently, she doused his member in a flammable liquid, set it on fire while he was asleep. Naturally, the smell of burning hair and flesh (and maybe the pain) woke him up. In his frenzy put out the “fire down below” the fellow knocked over the flammable liquid, set the house on fire and caused over a million dollars worth of damage. And threatening the lives of their three children, who were sleeping at the time and barely made it out of the blaze.
Crazy people. When will they learn. Not that a burned stump of a dick isn’t a definite deterrent to future extramarital activity, but HEY CRAZY LADY, it’s also a deterrent to intra-marital relations. So NOW what are you going to do? Oh, that’s right, you’ll be taking a broomstick up the ass from some lovely lass in the Aussie penal system.
The man whose shrimp was put on the barbie has denied any extramarital infidelity. I can only assume he will honestly be able to say that from now on, as well.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
It’s Worse Than We Thought
Over the holidays, I finished another Matt Taibbi book. The Amazing Gardog was kind enough to pass it on to me.
Matt is the political reporter for Rolling Stone and one of the most entertaining writers I know. If you’re a liberal. If you’re a conservative, you OUGHT to be entertained by him, but it’s hard to be entertained when someone is pointing out the inherent hypocrisy of you and your peers.
Taibbi spends most of his ammo on Congress and how the system is essentially wired to be ineffectual. The rest he reserves for conservative Christians mega-ministers and their lemming-like flock.
The book I just finished, The Great Derangement: A Terrifying True Story of War, Politics & Religion at the Twilight of the American Empire, saw him embed himself in a San Antonio mega-church. Since Matt is a self-described atheist, the journey he takes is surprising and enlightening, even to him. And his characters are straight out of Christopher Guest. Or maybe Christopher Guest’s characters are straight out of a mega-church. Hmmm. That could be a great next movie from him. Sir Chris? Lady Jamie Leigh? Are you listening? Anyone?
Prior to the election, Gardog had handed off Smells Like Dead Elephants: Dispatches from a Rotting Empire, and advised me to wait until after the election to read it. It was full of microscopic reportage about Tom Delay and his brazen sadism. Also knows as House Majority Leader skills.
All I’m going to say is READ THESE BOOKS! I’m relieved that, with the election of Obama and a congressional majority, the Rule of the Stupid People may be drawing to a close. But these books serve as a cautionary tale, especially in light of Bush One’s suggestions this week of what a great President his son Jeb would make. Well he should have thought of that before we elected the retarded one. Some have snarkily suggested the former Florida Governor should adopt his wife’s maiden name. Alas, her maiden name is Gallo. Which means “rooster” or “cock” in Spanish. (And “cheap ass wine” in most other parts of the world.) No, I’m afraid poor Jeb is out of luck. As Robin Williams said recently, “What does it say about the family when the smart one is named Jeb?”
Maybe we should just refrain from electing any Republicans until they’re able to rid themselves of the cancer of fundamentalism that plagues them. Or maybe we’ll just sink back into our torpor of apathy in about 100 days.
Matt is the political reporter for Rolling Stone and one of the most entertaining writers I know. If you’re a liberal. If you’re a conservative, you OUGHT to be entertained by him, but it’s hard to be entertained when someone is pointing out the inherent hypocrisy of you and your peers.
Taibbi spends most of his ammo on Congress and how the system is essentially wired to be ineffectual. The rest he reserves for conservative Christians mega-ministers and their lemming-like flock.
The book I just finished, The Great Derangement: A Terrifying True Story of War, Politics & Religion at the Twilight of the American Empire, saw him embed himself in a San Antonio mega-church. Since Matt is a self-described atheist, the journey he takes is surprising and enlightening, even to him. And his characters are straight out of Christopher Guest. Or maybe Christopher Guest’s characters are straight out of a mega-church. Hmmm. That could be a great next movie from him. Sir Chris? Lady Jamie Leigh? Are you listening? Anyone?
Prior to the election, Gardog had handed off Smells Like Dead Elephants: Dispatches from a Rotting Empire, and advised me to wait until after the election to read it. It was full of microscopic reportage about Tom Delay and his brazen sadism. Also knows as House Majority Leader skills.
All I’m going to say is READ THESE BOOKS! I’m relieved that, with the election of Obama and a congressional majority, the Rule of the Stupid People may be drawing to a close. But these books serve as a cautionary tale, especially in light of Bush One’s suggestions this week of what a great President his son Jeb would make. Well he should have thought of that before we elected the retarded one. Some have snarkily suggested the former Florida Governor should adopt his wife’s maiden name. Alas, her maiden name is Gallo. Which means “rooster” or “cock” in Spanish. (And “cheap ass wine” in most other parts of the world.) No, I’m afraid poor Jeb is out of luck. As Robin Williams said recently, “What does it say about the family when the smart one is named Jeb?”
Maybe we should just refrain from electing any Republicans until they’re able to rid themselves of the cancer of fundamentalism that plagues them. Or maybe we’ll just sink back into our torpor of apathy in about 100 days.
Monday, January 5, 2009
The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective People
1. Always make a “to do” list. If you put the days on it, then you can just copy whatever didn’t get done on Monday and paste it to Tuesday. Repeat.
2. Deadlines should be set and met. But it’s actually more of a challenge if you wait until the last possible minute to get started, then sprint across the finish line. What a rush! And completing even the most mundane tasks gives you a HUGE sense of accomplishment.
3. Surf the internet for inspiration. A lot. But remember, porn isn’t technically “inspiration” and shouldn’t be surfed on your work computer.
4. Work from home as often as possible.
5. Meetings are an amazingly useful tool for passing time without actually making any progress. The more meetings you can schedule in a week, the busier you are. 50% is a good starting point.
6. Be very familiar with your company’s policies and procedures, especially as it pertains to “vacation” and “sick leave.” Mental Health is as important as physical health, so you might be able to use a sick day to recharge your batteries. Game on.
7. It’s always 5 o’clock somewhere.
2. Deadlines should be set and met. But it’s actually more of a challenge if you wait until the last possible minute to get started, then sprint across the finish line. What a rush! And completing even the most mundane tasks gives you a HUGE sense of accomplishment.
3. Surf the internet for inspiration. A lot. But remember, porn isn’t technically “inspiration” and shouldn’t be surfed on your work computer.
4. Work from home as often as possible.
5. Meetings are an amazingly useful tool for passing time without actually making any progress. The more meetings you can schedule in a week, the busier you are. 50% is a good starting point.
6. Be very familiar with your company’s policies and procedures, especially as it pertains to “vacation” and “sick leave.” Mental Health is as important as physical health, so you might be able to use a sick day to recharge your batteries. Game on.
7. It’s always 5 o’clock somewhere.
And I Thought Carville and Matalin Had Issues
I have a longstanding love/hate relationship with Christmas letters. Or hate/love.
You know the ones. The rambling, chatty letters from friends and family you don't really ever talk to, providing way TMI about their goings-on for the past 12 months.
“Becky’s still in National Honor Society. We’re so grateful to God and Jesus that she’s had her studies to distract her from her anus horribleness (as Queen Elizabeth would say). At the beginning of the year, she found herself in a family way. I think she considered trying to convince us it was another “virgin birth” situation, but I just flat out told her flat out, “Unless you’re planning on naming that baby Jesus 2, you better tell the truth.” Fortunately, we were able to place the baby in a good home. Becky was distraught at first, but since Blake (her former beau and father of the child) needed to focus all his energy on his senior year performance (he’s quarterback of the football team) so that he can get a scholarship to Tech, parenting just wasn’t in the cards. And Ed and I really believe that a child should be raised by a mother AND a father, so we insisted that the baby be given up.”
Obviously, that’s fiction, but I swear my Aunt Glendene’s letters were never far from this. Surgeries. Illness. New calves a-birthin’. Nothing was too mundane for Glendene.
This year, however, I received my very first ever Christmas letter from a gay couple. The first 19 paragraphs were all about E and his joy of the season. The paper was lined with poinsettia leaves. It was holly jolly right down to the next to the last paragraph. That’s where E’s partner D appeared. I paraphrase, but not by much:
“D is still actively involved in the Atheist community here in (our little town). His energy and dedication have seen him quickly evolve as a leader in this movement and he seems to derive great joy from it.”
What? The Fuck?
That has to top it all. Baby Jesus and Atheism, all in one letter. Let me tell you, I don’t care what it takes this year, but I will MAKE SURE I am on their mailing list next year.
You know the ones. The rambling, chatty letters from friends and family you don't really ever talk to, providing way TMI about their goings-on for the past 12 months.
“Becky’s still in National Honor Society. We’re so grateful to God and Jesus that she’s had her studies to distract her from her anus horribleness (as Queen Elizabeth would say). At the beginning of the year, she found herself in a family way. I think she considered trying to convince us it was another “virgin birth” situation, but I just flat out told her flat out, “Unless you’re planning on naming that baby Jesus 2, you better tell the truth.” Fortunately, we were able to place the baby in a good home. Becky was distraught at first, but since Blake (her former beau and father of the child) needed to focus all his energy on his senior year performance (he’s quarterback of the football team) so that he can get a scholarship to Tech, parenting just wasn’t in the cards. And Ed and I really believe that a child should be raised by a mother AND a father, so we insisted that the baby be given up.”
Obviously, that’s fiction, but I swear my Aunt Glendene’s letters were never far from this. Surgeries. Illness. New calves a-birthin’. Nothing was too mundane for Glendene.
This year, however, I received my very first ever Christmas letter from a gay couple. The first 19 paragraphs were all about E and his joy of the season. The paper was lined with poinsettia leaves. It was holly jolly right down to the next to the last paragraph. That’s where E’s partner D appeared. I paraphrase, but not by much:
“D is still actively involved in the Atheist community here in (our little town). His energy and dedication have seen him quickly evolve as a leader in this movement and he seems to derive great joy from it.”
What? The Fuck?
That has to top it all. Baby Jesus and Atheism, all in one letter. Let me tell you, I don’t care what it takes this year, but I will MAKE SURE I am on their mailing list next year.
2009 Things To Do
No, that’s not the calendar year. That’s how many things are on my “to do” list. Sheesh. I might as well just call them “resolutions.” At least that way I’ll manage to accomplish some of those.
At the top of my list is my poor neglected child. This blog. Stupid people are doing stupid things all over the world and I’m sitting back on my ever-expanding buttocks, calling out holiday salutations and begging someone to “fix me another Manhattan!”
So, my number one resolution is to blog more. Lots more. Of course, who knows if anyone is still out there reading? Surely there are a few Stupidistas still hanging in?
So, off we go. And only 2008 “resolutions” to begin. What’s that in the road? A head?
At the top of my list is my poor neglected child. This blog. Stupid people are doing stupid things all over the world and I’m sitting back on my ever-expanding buttocks, calling out holiday salutations and begging someone to “fix me another Manhattan!”
So, my number one resolution is to blog more. Lots more. Of course, who knows if anyone is still out there reading? Surely there are a few Stupidistas still hanging in?
So, off we go. And only 2008 “resolutions” to begin. What’s that in the road? A head?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)