How Can Something So Wrong Feel So . . . Wronger?

Call me callous if you will, but I’m kinda burned out on all the missing child stories. Maybe it’s because that’s Nancy Grace’s stock in trade and I hate her so bad that I’d rather have Rachael Ray talk me through a meal. Never mind, just shoot me if those are the two options. But let me eat the food.

But I digress. Apparently, a little cracker girl named Haleigh (note to parents: if your child’s name rhymes with Schmaley, you might want to double up on your security. First Caylee, now this. Who’s next? Bayley? SheLayleigh? Maelee?) went missing last month from her home. The last person to see her was her 17 year-old babysitter, Misty Croslin, who also happened to be her father’s girlfriend. Are you with me so far?

Well, apparently, the ordeal has brought the couple closer together. A week ago Sunday, AT THE LOCAL CHILI’S, Haleigh’s dad, Cracker—er, I mean, Ronald—got down on one knee and proposed. She said yes, they ordered some chili cheese fries and they began planning their blessed event.

“How’s Wednesday for you?”

“Well, I don’t get out of trade school until 2:30, so it’ll have to be after that. And I gotta be at the Wal-Mart to work by 6.”

Seriously. They waited three whole days to get married? They must have been sticking to old "no butt sex until marriage" vow. And guess what else? 17 year-old Cracker—er, I mean, Misty—had to get her mother’s signature because she was under age.

Meanwhile, there’s still a child missing. Of course, maybe the little girl just got tired of rolling her eyes and decided to go hang out at the Octo Mom’s house, knowing how hard it is to accurately count to fourteen, when all of the countees are in constant motion.

Even the new step-mom acknowledged that the timing might take some by surprise. "Everybody is probably going to take this marriage thing the wrong way," Crac—er, Croslin--said. "This is what Haleigh wanted. She has always talked about it, and even if she's not with us, she is still with us."

Hunh? Man, that 8th grade education shore is comin’ in handy.

Of course, Gramma Cracker had to get in on the action. She went on the record with none other than Crack(er) Attorney and Heavily Accented Talking Head, Nancy Grace.

"My grandchildren, both Haleigh and Junior (really?!?!), have very often said that they would love for their daddy to marry Misty and that they wanted Misty to be their mommy. And so I feel like they are just trying to fulfill a wish for Haleigh so that when she comes home she will have that extra happiness to come home to."

Ronald, Misty, Junior and Haleigh. I can see the Olan Mills portrait now.

Appearing on a different show, with a different talking (cracker) head, the Granny Get Your Gun thought the missing child was really missing out on some fun. "It's an event that Haleigh really should be at, but when she comes home, we'll have a great big wedding so she can be the flower girl and see it all again."

Or maybe you just could have waited until she was found before you moved on with your life there in Hooterville.