Tuesday, October 2, 2007

God Save the (Homecoming) Queen!

I always love how stories like this rustle high school feathers. Last Saturday, University City (Missouri) High School crowned a senior boy it’s Homecoming Queen. Now before you cheer this little step forward in gender identity, you should know—it was all a prank. Aaron Zaggy (LOVE that name. I’ve had many a tipsy night where I thought my name was Aaron Zaggy) entered the contest and was elected by his peers.

Needless to say, the school was wracked by sobs and wails,punctuated with “um,” “like,” and “sha!”

Brittany McNairy also ran for Homecoming Queen (of COURSE you did, Brittany.) She wanted to preside over “Our Night in the Limelight.” (Ahhhh, the high school homecoming and prom themes. I really want to write a book about that someday.) "I was mad," said Brittany. "A lot of girls were mad."

Well said, hon. At least for a girl named after a spaniel.

Other comments ranged from “It’s soooooo unfair,” to “but . . . he’s a boy,” to “that is soooo gay—I mean . . . I don’t mean that in a same-sex way, although it is kind of a same sex—oh, never mind. It’s just lame, okay?!”

I’m sure there’s a new rule being drafted as we speak, with vehement dissent from the drama and art teachers.

School officials were more circumspect. “This situation also presents a life lesson of sorts by demonstrating the importance of voting and knowing that one’s actions at the ballot box can have a lasting impact,” read the statement from the board. “This is why we end up with fucktards like George W. Bush as president, you ignorant, privileged little bastards.”

This story brought back memories of my own small-town homecoming. While I was neither King nor Queen (budding, but not quite yet), I WAS the escort of the Homecoming Queen. What makes that interesting was that I was not her first choice. That would have been her husband.

That’s right. The 17 year-old homecoming queen of Diboll, TX in 1979 was MARRIED. And our school wouldn’t allow her husband to escort her. Why, you ask?


Apparently no one thought it at all odd that a 17-year old was married (for a couple of years already). But God forbid her husband attend a rival school.

And we wonder how come these kids are so fucking stupid.


Anonymous said...

Not a fan of the whole married thing... and did'nt ron jeremy do a movie titled homocumming queen? or was that larry craig. Some people just don't know theyre stupid. And you know what they say, stupidity begins at home.

thirdcoast2leftcoast said...

Thank God schools are outlawing hugging now - because everyone knows that hugging leads to marriage or possibly to a boy becoming the homecoming queen.