Light a Match

Ever hear the saying “Light a fire under your ass?” Growing up in East Texas, that was a common phrase thrown at recalcitrant kids. It sounded more like “I moan lida far unner yer ass” but you get the point. Well, apparently, we East Texans are not alone.

TOTO (the Japanese toilet maker, not the band most famous for stalking Roseanna Arquette) has recalled 180,000 of its Z series bidet/toilets because they catch fire. Talk about a wienie roast!
According to the AP story, “Toto has been a pioneer in high-tech toilets fitted with pressurized water sprayers a standard fixture in Japanese homes. The popular Z series features a pulsating massage spray, a power dryer, built-in-the-bowl deodorizing filter, the "Tornado Wash" flush and a lid that opens and closes automatically.” What? No shampoo and set?

I don’t know about you, but I can see an entire Three Stooges episode scripted around one trip to this toilet. The snapping toilet lid, the spray and dryer, and then, Curly’s ass on fire, Moe banging him in the ass with a shovel, trying to put the fire out. And, as always, some gratuitous eye-poking.

But, I digress. Over the course of the last year, three “electric bidet” features caught fire. Okay, I was taught at an early age that electricity and water were a dangerous cocktail. So “electric bidet” right away seems a little oxymoronic. 26 others “only” started smoking. Maybe they should have just rigged it with a smoke detector, and the bidet feature could double as a sprinkler system.

"Fortunately, nobody was using the toilets when the fire broke out and there were no injuries," said spokesperson Emi Tanaka. "The fire would have been just under your buttocks."

The Japanese are not usually known for their stupidity, but this particular company seems to have been just a little too smart for it’s own good.

I can just hear the stupid people saying, “See. That’s what happens when you overthink things.”