Tuesday, December 18, 2007

These People Need to Watch More Porn

Under the Headline, “Coach Turned Holiday Displays Into Porn” CBS46 in Atlanta reported that a middle school coach took a bunch of kids around rearranging Christmas scenes in Marietta, Georgia (which is impossible to say without sounding like a Southern Belle)

Now, I would guess that a not-insignificant number of gay men clicked through to this one. You put “coach” and “porn” in the same sentence and we’re ready to play ball. But as I read the report, I realized this was just another bunch of repressed stupidity.

The reporter, who apparently also edits her church newsletter, referred to the “lewd Christmas prank” and said, “The group even made several homeowners’ displays X-rated, police said, including placing reindeer in sexual positions.”

(Gasp!) SCANDALOUS!

Are you fucking kidding me? THAT’S what you consider “x-rated??!?!?!?” Animals procreating are now PORN?! As a writer, I would have categorized it as “sophomoric,” but “porn?” I expect that Fred Phelps and His Phreaks will soon be boycotting barnyards everywhere.

Having grown up in the country, no one ever thought it odd when animals went at it. It was usually a source of a childish giggle, or an opportunity to explain the facts of life to the young ‘uns without having to whip your own junk out.

Apparently, the times they are a changin’.

Look, Georgians, if you want to have a fucked up, repressed point of view about human sexuality, knock yourself out. I mean, it doesn’t seem to have hurt you so far. Except for your astonishingly high poverty rate and astonishingly low literacy rate and your tendency to fuck your cousins. And pretend it’s still the mid 1800s. Other than that, YOU KEEP ON KEEPIN’ ON, CRACKER!

But I think we ought to take a page out of the animal playbook and accept the fact that sexuality is as human as breathing and eating—or in Georgia’s case, belching, praying and farting.

So come one people! Don’t you think it’s time we let poor Rudolph join in the reindeer games.

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