Friday, December 7, 2007

The Intersection of Stupid and Stupider

Are the stupid people gathering? Is there a major offensive planned against the smart?

Because the last few days have been one stupid thing after another. Pedestrians crossing against the light, causing traffic snarls. WTF? Did your mom teach you to look both ways before crossing, but left out the part about, “oh, yeah, when you look both ways, if there are cars, DON’T FUCKING WALK!“

This happened THREE times this week.

Then there was the cyclist, also running the red, causing traffic to snarl so that he and his unwashed hair could get there THAT MUCH FASTER. And what really pisses me off is he’s probably one of the activist cyclists who want cars to be more respectful of bikes. Well, if you obeyed traffic laws, like you’re supposed to, it might be a good first step toward d├ętente. Or—just a thought—you might use the fucking hike and bike trail, located EXACTLY 20 feet to your right, running parallel to this major artery for, oh, the NEXT TWO MILES!!! Wonder why they put that there?

Or the lovely lady in the mini van. The one with the WitchyPoo hair. The one behind me at the red light. Who honked at me. Because SHE wanted to turn right. I, on the other hand, was going forward. In the appropriate lane, I might add. But she had to honk. And give me the "WTF? palms up" gesture.

Let me tell you, smart people, there is NOTHING that brings out my inner black drag queen faster than an inappropriate censure. If you’re going to fucking honk at me, you better have a good reason. So my head starts to bobbing and my finger starts to weaving and all I can hear in my head is Pootifah (my inner black diva) beginning to roar a “OH NO SHE DI INT” (something I’d never say out loud, but it’s the perfect accompaniment to a “bob and weave.” Or a “bobbing weave” depending on yer hair did.)

But what’s really spooky is that ALL of this happened at the same intersection. The major intersection a block from my house. Suddenly I feel like Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters. Like my house is actually sitting right at the vortex of stupidity.

Hopefully I won’t wind up on the roof, looking like a backup dancer from an old Pat Benatar video, speaking in tongues to a Rick Moranis doppleganger. But if that’s what it takes to stop the madness, know that I would take this one for the team.

Stay strong smart people.


hokgardner said...

I would love to see you in Pootifah mode.

drax said...

It all started with the time change and the early hanging of the holiday lights. It fucks with peoples minds and turns on the stupid switch!

Anonymous said...

all this and you can ice skate at whole foods !