Somewhere today, perhaps in a parallel universe, a snarky blogger is writing about me as a stupid person. Yep. I joined the ranks of the people I rail about. And I didn’t even realize I did it.
You see, there’s the fabulous supermarket here in Austin called Central Market. It’s sort of a gigantic gourmet grocery store, like big-ass Dean and Deluca or something. Anyway, one of the things they are known for is providing samples of their delicious wares throughout the store.
Day before yesterday, while waiting on my lunchmeat (NO, that’s not a euphemism!), I noticed there were samples of salami. Being a big salami fan (now THAT’S a euphemism), I bit.
And proceeded to deposit my licked-upon toothpick in the very clearly marked “clean” container.
Which was sitting right next to the “used” container.
I did it obliviously and strolled away, marveling at the flavor composition of the sausage. Then I heard another sampling patron, aghast at what she had just witnessed, say to my beloved (who was reaching for his own Scooby snack), “Be careful! SOMEONE,” she said with a shudder, “SOMEONE put their USED toothpick in the clean box. DISGUSTING!”
She spat the last part out. (The word, not the salami.)
As the error of my ways washed over me, I dashed up the nearest aisle and cowered behind a temporary display of Christmas sweets. Should I run back and apologize? Should I turn myself in? Or should I just overly dramatize the entire situation in my head?
I chose the latter.
It’s only now that my humiliation has lifted enough for me to write about it. (cough cough.)
In fact, I’m sure you’re wondering how I’ve managed to type this with one hand backwards on my forehead, anticipating a swoon.
What I’m wondering is how many other fuckers put their nasty, licked-upon toothpicks in the clean pile? I may have to start using my fingers.