She'll Do ANYTHING For Publicity

I swear this is a copy and paste. Headline for a USA Today section.


Lifeline Live
Hanson brother in hospital; Britney granted visitation



I don't think that means what you think it means.

Is One of Those Capitol Hill?

According to the AP, Ohio State Rep Matthew Barrett shared a little more than planned with a group of high schoolers. While giving a slide presentation on how a bill gets passed, an image of a topless woman popped up, her rotundas in clear view.

(Funny, I don’t remember the areola as part of the legislative process. Is it near the filibuster?)

Rep. Barrett immediately yanked out his memory stick (insert cheap joke here) and turned it over to school administrators. Fifteen minutes later, a sweaty and slightly-out-of-breath principal confirmed that there was, in fact, a catalog of nude images on the stick.

“I have no idea where these came from,” said Barrett (a Democrat, by the way.) He said the memory stick had been a gift from a legislative liaison.

Uh huh. Right.

I’m voting wifey doesn’t let him keep porn on the home computer.

As you might imagine, the incident was met with “snickers.” Uh . . . yeah. They’re HIGH SCHOOLERS! What were you expecting, righteous indignation?

While not reported, I’m sure at least one boy said, “Hey, it’s your mom, dude!” Several others left class holding their books awkwardly in front of them.

Maybe he should have stuck to “I’m just a bill . . . sittin’ here on Capitol Hill.”

God Save the (Homecoming) Queen!

I always love how stories like this rustle high school feathers. Last Saturday, University City (Missouri) High School crowned a senior boy it’s Homecoming Queen. Now before you cheer this little step forward in gender identity, you should know—it was all a prank. Aaron Zaggy (LOVE that name. I’ve had many a tipsy night where I thought my name was Aaron Zaggy) entered the contest and was elected by his peers.

Needless to say, the school was wracked by sobs and wails,punctuated with “um,” “like,” and “sha!”

Brittany McNairy also ran for Homecoming Queen (of COURSE you did, Brittany.) She wanted to preside over “Our Night in the Limelight.” (Ahhhh, the high school homecoming and prom themes. I really want to write a book about that someday.) "I was mad," said Brittany. "A lot of girls were mad."

Well said, hon. At least for a girl named after a spaniel.

Other comments ranged from “It’s soooooo unfair,” to “but . . . he’s a boy,” to “that is soooo gay—I mean . . . I don’t mean that in a same-sex way, although it is kind of a same sex—oh, never mind. It’s just lame, okay?!”

I’m sure there’s a new rule being drafted as we speak, with vehement dissent from the drama and art teachers.

School officials were more circumspect. “This situation also presents a life lesson of sorts by demonstrating the importance of voting and knowing that one’s actions at the ballot box can have a lasting impact,” read the statement from the board. “This is why we end up with fucktards like George W. Bush as president, you ignorant, privileged little bastards.”

This story brought back memories of my own small-town homecoming. While I was neither King nor Queen (budding, but not quite yet), I WAS the escort of the Homecoming Queen. What makes that interesting was that I was not her first choice. That would have been her husband.

That’s right. The 17 year-old homecoming queen of Diboll, TX in 1979 was MARRIED. And our school wouldn’t allow her husband to escort her. Why, you ask?

BECAUSE HE WENT TO A DIFFERENT SCHOOL!!!!!

Apparently no one thought it at all odd that a 17-year old was married (for a couple of years already). But God forbid her husband attend a rival school.

And we wonder how come these kids are so fucking stupid.

Belief vs. Truth

I was watching a clip from The View a couple of weeks ago. The one where they kept asking Sherri Shepard if she believed the earth was flat. She kept responding “I don’t know.”

At the moment, I was, like, ‘What the fuck do you mean, ‘you don’t know?’ You DO know. We ALL know. It’s proven. Not a conjecture. We’re not relying on word back from the Pinta. Astronauts have orbited the earth. We have photos. WE KNOW it’s round.

So, why would someone who is presumably relatively well-educated (although being on TV certainly doesn’t equate to being educated) say such a ridiculously stupid thing?

In a word: Faith.

The View conversation came after Shepard said she didn’t “believe in evolution, period.” As I’ve discussed in this forum before, you can’t NOT believe in evolution. We know things evolve. Many people don’t believe in the theory of evolution as it pertains to the rise of man and I get that these are separate things.

I get that faith requires a willing suspension of disbelief, much like a good movie. The difference is, you get to walk out of the movie.

But this serves to highlight a very dangerous trend playing out across our country. What do we do when our beliefs are contradicted by science? Tradition would hold that we holler “Eureka!” or in the parlance of contemporary corporate American, have an “aha!” moment. (I tend to have more “wtf?” moments, but I digress).

Or, we’re Amish and think that electricity is the Devil’s breath.

But so many people (okay, mostly right wing Christians) bury their heads in the sand (aka “their asses”) and say “I don’t believe it.” Not believing it doesn’t make it untrue. It’s proven.

I believed in Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny (which, while I’m on the subject—what a great way for the Christians to recognize the crucifixion and resurrection of the son of God—a giant bunny who hides eggs. That’s not even a metaphor for anything. Why hasn’t anyone cried blasphemy on that shit?) But eventually, I was informed that these entities were necessary figments that were useful in manipulating children and selling lots of products. (And also, has anyone ever looked into collusion by Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy? Seems an oddly convenient pairing. Eat the candy! Rot the teeth!)

But face it America, never has it been more apt: The Truth Shall Set You Free.

Maybe we need a Truth Fairy.

That High Horse Ain't Got No Legs

You know, for a man named Peter, I’m so thrilled that General Pace so closely follows his moral code. I guess he wants to believe he's named after a big saint. I'm more inclined to vote body part.

This week, he felt the need to clarify his homophobic remarks from earlier this year, but really only stirred the hornet’s nest. See, General Pace doesn’t believe that the military should engage in conduct that isn’t “moral.”

By “moral” he means homosexuality and adultery. For the Bible tells him so.

Guess he missed the Moses memo on killing.

Excuse Me, That's MY Money!

So, the President can’t speak properly, but he sure knows how to ask for money. He has now asked the Congress for $190 billion to fund the Iraq war for another year. Let me emphasize that again. He is asking for $190,000,000,000 for ONE FUCKING YEAR of battling a war we shouldn’t be in in the first place. And no one even seems to be swallowing hard.

And what is it again we’re supposed to be getting out of this?

Where’s the fucking outrage people? This is ridiculous that we have become so desensitized to so many zeros. (I guess that happens when you have the biggest ZERO sitting in the Oval Office.)

And where is the Republican outrage? Aren’t they the ones who are always complaining about high taxes? Well how the fuck do you think we’re paying for this war? Bake sales?

Give me a fucking (tax) break. And quit bitching about welfare mothers and social programs. The amount of money we have spent on this war is OBSCENE. We could have rebuilt New Orleans, provided a college education for every child who wanted it, eradicated homelessness, provided healthcare for all and still had enough money to go for ice cream after.

As of July this year, the population of Iraq was 27.5 million (and falling). And the meter is fast approaching 1 TRILLION dollars. Why not just buy them? It would be cheaper.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know there’s a bunch of oil over there and that this is a domino game. But I thought that’s why we sucked so much Saudi dick. So we could have a toe-hold in the region.

Maybe growing up in the Bush household, Little Georgie thought it was okay to ask for a million dollar advance on his allowance. But I think it’s time to cut up his credit card.

Cute Quotes From the Leader of the Free World

So, I’m hoping, hoping, hoping that some commemorative ceramic figurine maker will decide to make these. I want to see a set of cutesy bookends, featuring a Norman Rockwellian vignette of George W. Bush in an old-fashioned classroom setting.

The first would show a concerned, fatherly Bush, surrounded by school kids (maybe with their books upside down—how cute would that be?). He would be scratching his head and looking perplexed—maybe even flummoxed.

The inscription on this collectible would be: Is our children learning?

The other end would be a smiling Bush, flipping one of the children’s books right-side-up, while the other children laughed along. This inscription: Childrens do learn.

I bet there are a lot of trailer-park Christians out there who would snap this up. QVC? FranklinMint? Lladro? Are you listening.

Peoples do buy this shit.

Me? I'm going to throw up now.