Show Me Something!

Last night, the Republicans trotted out their answer to Barack Obama. And after I got over the, “look, we have a brown person, too!” aura of the whole thing, I sincerely wanted to see what Governor Bobby Jindal had to say. I kinda keep up with Louisiana politics and I have followed Jindal’s story closely. I must admit I was shocked that he was elected. A son of immigrants. A Republican. I guessed that Louisiana decided collectively to replace “laissez les bon temps rouler” with NIMBY. Shocking that a people so given to celebration and the rich melting pot that is Cajun and creole culture would swing so hard to the right, but then again, eight years of Bush will rot your brain.

I also tuned in because I sincerely wanted to hear what the Republicans would say in rebuttal to the President’s speech. I’m a big believer in healthy discourse and debate, but I’ve been disappointed (I know, I know. Manage your expectations better.) by the harsh partisan rhetoric the Congressional Republicans have decided to unwaveringly cling to. I hoped that Jindal would be different. Since that was obvious the word that came to mind when the R’s were trying to decide who to offer up.

Instead, it was just the third act of Rove: The Musical. The talking points he laid out were completely Bushy. I wanted to phone him and say, “Governor, you DO realize that there was an election a few months back? And the people of America RESOUNDINGLY rejected your way of thinking.” But I didn’t. Mostly because I don’t have his celly number. And partly because I try not to mix good tequila with bad politics.

Honestly, though, if you’d strapped a pair of drag queen boobs on him, given him an updo and some sexy librarian glasses, it could have been Sarah Palin standing there. And speaking of which, since she’s all determined to be our next President, why didn’t they let her give the rebuttal? Hmm. Smells like fish to me.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t for a minute think that Bobby Jindal is an idiot. But basedon last night, he is a HORRENDOUS speaker. Having worked with a lot of people to hone their public speaking skills, I can honestly say that whoever is working with him needs to be fired. He needs an acting coach. Badly. The false earnestness of his emphasis. The cocked head. The scrunching of his eyes to let you know how much he meeeeeaaaaaannnns it. Appalling.

And let’s not even talk about the stupid shit they made him say. Criticizing the government for their response to Katrina? Hello?! It was YOUR FUCKING GOVERNMENT! YOUR PARTY WAS IN CONTROL OF THE WHITE HOUSE AND BOTH HOUSES OF CONGRESS! You got fucked in the ass by the very people who are buying your dinner now. And I hate to tell you this, but it’s supposed to work the other way around.

Lastly, and just to show you how completely out of touch the Republicans are, it was Mardi Gras. A day when ALL Louisianans THROW IT DOWN. And poor Bobby Jindal couldn’t even have a cocktail until it was all over. He did wish everyone “happy mardi gras,” but it was the saddest, lamest, least convincing greeting ever. He was wishing YOU a happy mardi gras because his was sucking elephant ass.

The least they could have done was let him wear some beads.