Latest job approval numbers are out for President Goofmonkey. The good news: 23% say Bush is the worst president ever. The bad news: what are the other 77% thinking?
I mean, honestly, can someone tell me what the man has done RIGHT?
More stats: 35% say he’s doing a poor job. But 40% say he’s doing a good job “compared to his predecessors.” WTF? You’re telling me that 40% of Americans think this dumb motherfucker, who somehow manages to breathe with his head up his ass, is doing a good job?
1% even thought he was “the best president ever in American history.” I don’t think those people took American History.
His approval rating is at 34% (uh, how can 40% think he’s doing a good job, but only 34% approve?), the lowest approval rating for a president since Truman.
But then they break it down in a partisan fashion. And people, let me tell you, if you weren’t convinced that the Republicans were brain-dead before, this should push you right over the finish line.
72% of Republicans polled approve of Bush’s performance. And 27% of Independents.
I’m sorry, but I think I just chipped a tooth when my jaw dropped so hard. Are you fucking kidding me right now? Again, what has he done right? Starting an unwinnable war? Capturing Osama bin Laden (oh, yeah, he hasn’t done that, has he)? Dropping a half a TRILLION dollars in Iraq? Outing a CIA operative (which would have been treason if a Democrat had done it. Seriously.) Being a complete freakshow in the legislative sense (NO vetoes for 5 years, now a flurry)? Delivering cocky fratboy speeches full of “mispronounciations?” Losing the respect of most other nations? I could go on here.
Seriously, give me something. One thing. And if you say, “Well, at least he didn’t cheat on his wife,” I’m going to force you to give all your money to the poor, since your piety has obviously rotted your brain to the point where you’re no longer useful.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The Collapse of Civilization As We Know It.
In a state run by right-wing religious zealots, it’s not surprising that a little issue over televised NFL football should work its way all the way up to the Legislature. Ridiculous, but not surprising. Oh, and just in case you’re not from Texas, we’re talking about the Cowboys. The Texans, in spite of their jingoistic moniker, are just another NFL team to us.
See, the problem began when the for-pay NFL Network announced that they would be televising two Dallas Cowboys games exclusively. That means many Texans, like my mama and daddy, can’t sit down together on a Sunday afternoon and watch the ‘Boys. (Which, aside from Church, also on Sunday, is the only OTHER time they sit down together.)
Unless they subscribe to the NFL Channel. Great marketing ploy, right? Not if you’re a hillbilly who likes his football.
I want to reproduce for you here a piece of an article from the Austin American Statesman (potentially the worst daily in the country). Enjoy.
"’Cable companies need to focus on giving their customers what they want, which is football,’ said Sen. Kim Brimer, R-Fort Worth. (ED NOTE: Hunh? Guess that’s why there are 500 channels, cause so many people want their football. And by the way, they can still watch a ton of fucking football games, just NOT the Cowboys vs. The Packers. Oh, and Brimer is a well known dick.)
Brimer and Rep. Corbin Van Arsdale, R-Tomball, warned last week that if the two sides can't huddle up and agree, consumer-oriented legislation could arise in the 2009 session.
They said a possible proposal would, at the least, establish a third-party dispute resolution process on cable programming and authorize the Texas Public Utility Commission to establish additional customer service protections.”
Okay, you have got to be fucking kidding me. The Legislature is considering taking action because of a FOOTBALL GAME! Apparently there is NOTHING else going on in this state that requires legislative attention. Talk about priorities.
Van Arsdale continued:
"I've had a lot more people contact me about NFL football the last two months instead of child protective services, windstorm insurance or worker's compensation, which are frankly more important issues," he said. "I don't control what constituents call me about."
Ahhh, yes. Those constituents. And what exactly does a Tomball constituent look like? Having grown up in the “other” Boll town, Diboll, I have a pretty good idea. And this is my other brother Daryl.
Maybe, just maybe, Rep. Van Arsehole, we should divert some of the time and $$$ to education. Then your redneck constituency might not have so many misspellings in their letters to you. And maybe, just maybe, they might actually be interested in those other hot-button issues you champion.
Call it a hunch, but I’m betting the majority of your voters couldn’t talk for 10 seconds about any of those issues you mentioned. Don’t know, don’t care. But if you want their football, you’ll have to pry that remote from their cold dead hands.
I know I’ve said it before, but it’s not a bad concept.
See, the problem began when the for-pay NFL Network announced that they would be televising two Dallas Cowboys games exclusively. That means many Texans, like my mama and daddy, can’t sit down together on a Sunday afternoon and watch the ‘Boys. (Which, aside from Church, also on Sunday, is the only OTHER time they sit down together.)
Unless they subscribe to the NFL Channel. Great marketing ploy, right? Not if you’re a hillbilly who likes his football.
I want to reproduce for you here a piece of an article from the Austin American Statesman (potentially the worst daily in the country). Enjoy.
"’Cable companies need to focus on giving their customers what they want, which is football,’ said Sen. Kim Brimer, R-Fort Worth. (ED NOTE: Hunh? Guess that’s why there are 500 channels, cause so many people want their football. And by the way, they can still watch a ton of fucking football games, just NOT the Cowboys vs. The Packers. Oh, and Brimer is a well known dick.)
Brimer and Rep. Corbin Van Arsdale, R-Tomball, warned last week that if the two sides can't huddle up and agree, consumer-oriented legislation could arise in the 2009 session.
They said a possible proposal would, at the least, establish a third-party dispute resolution process on cable programming and authorize the Texas Public Utility Commission to establish additional customer service protections.”
Okay, you have got to be fucking kidding me. The Legislature is considering taking action because of a FOOTBALL GAME! Apparently there is NOTHING else going on in this state that requires legislative attention. Talk about priorities.
Van Arsdale continued:
"I've had a lot more people contact me about NFL football the last two months instead of child protective services, windstorm insurance or worker's compensation, which are frankly more important issues," he said. "I don't control what constituents call me about."
Ahhh, yes. Those constituents. And what exactly does a Tomball constituent look like? Having grown up in the “other” Boll town, Diboll, I have a pretty good idea. And this is my other brother Daryl.
Maybe, just maybe, Rep. Van Arsehole, we should divert some of the time and $$$ to education. Then your redneck constituency might not have so many misspellings in their letters to you. And maybe, just maybe, they might actually be interested in those other hot-button issues you champion.
Call it a hunch, but I’m betting the majority of your voters couldn’t talk for 10 seconds about any of those issues you mentioned. Don’t know, don’t care. But if you want their football, you’ll have to pry that remote from their cold dead hands.
I know I’ve said it before, but it’s not a bad concept.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Keeping Our Borders Safe From Men in Dreds
Guess last week the terror alert was Orange and BLACK. Happy Halloween at the Department of Homeland Security. While I was slogging through airport security, fully expecting a cavity search, our protectors threw a costume party to celebrate the season.
Now, they’ve got some ‘splainin to do.
See, one of the revelers dressed up in prison stripes, donned dredlocks and put on darkened-skin makeup. The panel of judges, all Republican appointees, no doubt, praised the concept for it’s “originality.” Are you fucking kidding me? When did blackface become “original?” Have these ‘tards not heard of Al Jolson? Did they miss the whole Whoopi Goldberg Friars Club dustup a few years back? Have they never been to a frat party in the South?
Julie Meyers, head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement for the Department of Homeland Security was one of the judges. Meyers, who is whiter than wonder bread, apologized for the incident. But only after people complained. She said a “few of the costumes” were “inappropriate and offensive.” Funny, none of the other costumes made CNN.
And then, in true Federal fashion, she sent out a memo reminding all employees to be compliant with the department’s diversity training requirement (seriously!). Might I suggest she sign up for a refresher course herself.
The real kicker? Apparently most people didn’t realize he was wearing makeup. Unnnnh-huh. Would that be because you’re all a lying sack of shit? Or because Republicans avert their eyes uncomfortably when they think a black person is in the room?
Ms. Meyers said she was deeply saddened by the incident. “All I could think about was poor Mr. Shuffles, the porter at our country club when I was growing up. That wasn’t his name, of course. We never knew his real name. We just called him that because it’s how he walked. But he was the nicest darki . . . uh, negr . . . uh, man. I would hate for him to think that the little girl he made Arnold Palmers for had turned out to be one of those . . . hate people.”
Another man, obviously dressed as Osama bin Laden, was awarded the prize for “Best Cash Cow” and “Best Scapegoat”
Now, they’ve got some ‘splainin to do.
See, one of the revelers dressed up in prison stripes, donned dredlocks and put on darkened-skin makeup. The panel of judges, all Republican appointees, no doubt, praised the concept for it’s “originality.” Are you fucking kidding me? When did blackface become “original?” Have these ‘tards not heard of Al Jolson? Did they miss the whole Whoopi Goldberg Friars Club dustup a few years back? Have they never been to a frat party in the South?
Julie Meyers, head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement for the Department of Homeland Security was one of the judges. Meyers, who is whiter than wonder bread, apologized for the incident. But only after people complained. She said a “few of the costumes” were “inappropriate and offensive.” Funny, none of the other costumes made CNN.
And then, in true Federal fashion, she sent out a memo reminding all employees to be compliant with the department’s diversity training requirement (seriously!). Might I suggest she sign up for a refresher course herself.
The real kicker? Apparently most people didn’t realize he was wearing makeup. Unnnnh-huh. Would that be because you’re all a lying sack of shit? Or because Republicans avert their eyes uncomfortably when they think a black person is in the room?
Ms. Meyers said she was deeply saddened by the incident. “All I could think about was poor Mr. Shuffles, the porter at our country club when I was growing up. That wasn’t his name, of course. We never knew his real name. We just called him that because it’s how he walked. But he was the nicest darki . . . uh, negr . . . uh, man. I would hate for him to think that the little girl he made Arnold Palmers for had turned out to be one of those . . . hate people.”
Another man, obviously dressed as Osama bin Laden, was awarded the prize for “Best Cash Cow” and “Best Scapegoat”
Monday, November 5, 2007
Hey, Teacher! How Many Times Does 13 Go Into 25?
Okay, how about the 25 year old Nebraska school teacher and her 13 year old latin lover, er . . . student?
She loved him soooooo much that she decided run away with him to Mexico. Only problem? (okay, it was one of MANY problems)
HE’S AN ILLEGAL ALIEN!
So, Missy, not only are you a stupid fucking child molesting bitch, but you basically just deported the poor boy, involuntarily separating him from the rest of his no-doubt-hardworking family. And his booty call. High marks, teacher.
And lest you take issue with the word “involuntarily” let me point out that a 13 year-old’s penis only THINKS it makes grown up decisions. Those hormones trump reason EVERY time. And that is an infallible defense. Hell, I would have gone to Wal-Mart if it got me laid at 13.
Funny, I always think of teachers as being smart people. But this woman put the “um“ in dumb. I mean, come on she’s a MATH teacher for God’s sake. Can she not subtract 13 from 25?
My favorite was when the boy sent her a note calling her his “Baby Gurl.” Okay, could you at least correct his fucking spelling? And I love the mug shot. Or, actually, I guess it was her school photo from 2006. When her boyfriend was 11. Uh-huh, I know.
But again, she's a math teacher.
And what about the Nebraska school system? What were they doing to protect our children?
Didn’t anybody wonder why she kept singing “De Colores” over and over again? Didn’t anybody wonder why she kept asking if her culo looked fat in those jeans? Didn’t anybody wonder why she kept a poster of Mary Kay LeTourneau in her classroom? Didn’t anyone wonder why she always had the freshly fucked look after 4th Period?
And isn’t Nebraska a red state? They probably figured since he was illegal, he was on his own. In fact, they’ll probably reimburse her for mileage.
She loved him soooooo much that she decided run away with him to Mexico. Only problem? (okay, it was one of MANY problems)
HE’S AN ILLEGAL ALIEN!
So, Missy, not only are you a stupid fucking child molesting bitch, but you basically just deported the poor boy, involuntarily separating him from the rest of his no-doubt-hardworking family. And his booty call. High marks, teacher.
And lest you take issue with the word “involuntarily” let me point out that a 13 year-old’s penis only THINKS it makes grown up decisions. Those hormones trump reason EVERY time. And that is an infallible defense. Hell, I would have gone to Wal-Mart if it got me laid at 13.
Funny, I always think of teachers as being smart people. But this woman put the “um“ in dumb. I mean, come on she’s a MATH teacher for God’s sake. Can she not subtract 13 from 25?
My favorite was when the boy sent her a note calling her his “Baby Gurl.” Okay, could you at least correct his fucking spelling? And I love the mug shot. Or, actually, I guess it was her school photo from 2006. When her boyfriend was 11. Uh-huh, I know.
But again, she's a math teacher.
And what about the Nebraska school system? What were they doing to protect our children?
Didn’t anybody wonder why she kept singing “De Colores” over and over again? Didn’t anybody wonder why she kept asking if her culo looked fat in those jeans? Didn’t anybody wonder why she kept a poster of Mary Kay LeTourneau in her classroom? Didn’t anyone wonder why she always had the freshly fucked look after 4th Period?
And isn’t Nebraska a red state? They probably figured since he was illegal, he was on his own. In fact, they’ll probably reimburse her for mileage.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Going Undercover
This afternoon I head out on my latest undercover assignment. For the next three days and nights, I'll be observing stupid drunken behavior up close and personal. Like, in a mirror up close and personal. And I do it all for you. And because it's my birthday.
Laissez les bon temps rouler, y'all!
Back on Monday, working whatever brain cells are left.
Laissez les bon temps rouler, y'all!
Back on Monday, working whatever brain cells are left.
Apparently, Ain’t No Party Like a Republican Party.
Another Republican elected official has fallen prey to the penis. His and another guy’s. Washington State Representative Richard “Call me Dick” Curtis (married with children, by the way) picked up a young man while wearing ladies’ lingerie. Given his conservative credentials, I’m sure they were sensible undergarments. Not those whorish, slutty outfits the liberal closet cases wear.
The young man, in true gay hustler fashion, stole Rep. Curtis’ wallet and tried to extort him. Ahhh, not sure which one of you motherfuckers is more stupid. Let’s just put you both in the same puddle, shall we. Curtis, of course, proclaimed he is “not gay.” Hey, bra, no problem. We all went to college. We know how easy it is after a kegger to find yourself in cheap lingerie on the receiving end of a Dirty Sanchez. Keep your chin up.
So, just for the record, doesn’t it seem that the more conservative you are, the more likely you are to engage in activity directly contradicting your stated public opinions? Certainly seems that way to me. It will come as now surprise to you that I am gleefully awaiting the next open fly in the ointment. There’s no doubt in my mind that there are more to come.
And you thought Bill Clinton had a problem keeping his dick in his pants?
The young man, in true gay hustler fashion, stole Rep. Curtis’ wallet and tried to extort him. Ahhh, not sure which one of you motherfuckers is more stupid. Let’s just put you both in the same puddle, shall we. Curtis, of course, proclaimed he is “not gay.” Hey, bra, no problem. We all went to college. We know how easy it is after a kegger to find yourself in cheap lingerie on the receiving end of a Dirty Sanchez. Keep your chin up.
So, just for the record, doesn’t it seem that the more conservative you are, the more likely you are to engage in activity directly contradicting your stated public opinions? Certainly seems that way to me. It will come as now surprise to you that I am gleefully awaiting the next open fly in the ointment. There’s no doubt in my mind that there are more to come.
And you thought Bill Clinton had a problem keeping his dick in his pants?
My God Doesn't Hate Anyone. But If He Did, It Would Be the Phelps Family.
Well, after Tuesday’s ruling, I do agree with Fred Phelps about one thing. There is a God.
Not familiar with the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas? It’s where the narrowest of the narrow-minded go to “worship.” But thanks to the father of a U.S. soldier who was killed in Iraq, their coffers are going to be $11 million lighter. Can I get an “amen?”
See, here’s the deal. Phelps and his disciples of hate have long picketed gay events, showing their Christian love with such cleverly worded signs as “God Hates Fags” and “The Bible Says Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
Yeah, it also said “don’t eat the apple.” Suck on that Granny Smith.
But Phelps, who has got to rank up there with Donald Trump and Paris Hilton in the Attention Whore Hall of Fame, decided that the war in Iraq was God’s retribution on the U.S. for our tolerance of homosexuality. So he guided his flock to picket . . . are you ready . . . THE FUNERALS OF DEAD SOLDIERS. I’m sure you’re shaking your head like you just got hit with epilepsy. I’ve known about this soooooooper freak for a long time. I’ve even been picketed by his peeps.
But this was just an absolute new low. Showing up at a funeral and waving signs around when people are trying to grieve the loss of a hero. Someone who died in the defense of our country. So, the father of one of the Marines sued. And the court agreed with him.
"It's hard enough burying a 20-year-old son, much less having to deal with something like this," he said, recalling that some of the other signs at the funeral included "Thank God for dead soldiers" and "Thank God for IEDs," according to cnn.com.
Nice. Of course, Phelps says he will appeal. And he actually thinks this will raise his profile.
I, for one, wish the press would make a pact that they will never, ever cover the antics of this man again. Declare him not newsworthy. After all, what’s a preacher without a congregation?
Not familiar with the Westboro Baptist Church of Topeka, Kansas? It’s where the narrowest of the narrow-minded go to “worship.” But thanks to the father of a U.S. soldier who was killed in Iraq, their coffers are going to be $11 million lighter. Can I get an “amen?”
See, here’s the deal. Phelps and his disciples of hate have long picketed gay events, showing their Christian love with such cleverly worded signs as “God Hates Fags” and “The Bible Says Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”
Yeah, it also said “don’t eat the apple.” Suck on that Granny Smith.
But Phelps, who has got to rank up there with Donald Trump and Paris Hilton in the Attention Whore Hall of Fame, decided that the war in Iraq was God’s retribution on the U.S. for our tolerance of homosexuality. So he guided his flock to picket . . . are you ready . . . THE FUNERALS OF DEAD SOLDIERS. I’m sure you’re shaking your head like you just got hit with epilepsy. I’ve known about this soooooooper freak for a long time. I’ve even been picketed by his peeps.
But this was just an absolute new low. Showing up at a funeral and waving signs around when people are trying to grieve the loss of a hero. Someone who died in the defense of our country. So, the father of one of the Marines sued. And the court agreed with him.
"It's hard enough burying a 20-year-old son, much less having to deal with something like this," he said, recalling that some of the other signs at the funeral included "Thank God for dead soldiers" and "Thank God for IEDs," according to cnn.com.
Nice. Of course, Phelps says he will appeal. And he actually thinks this will raise his profile.
I, for one, wish the press would make a pact that they will never, ever cover the antics of this man again. Declare him not newsworthy. After all, what’s a preacher without a congregation?
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