Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Trafficking in Freshman

So, Biggerthan U, right up the street from my house, is gearing up for the Fall Semester. That means a whole new class of traffic, caused by a shitload of cars each bearing a shiny new, “My Child and My Money Go To Biggerthan U” bumper sticker.

Most of these suburban transport vehicles are driven by fathers whose anxiety on this day is second probably only to the nights leading up to the birth of this child they’re now pushing from the nest. These anxious dads are all trying to find their way without asking for directions, wreaking havoc on any jaunts I might feel compelled to take.

Now, granted, I don’t take these jaunts often this time of year. Leaving your air conditioned space in August in Texas generally indicates some genetic vulnerability. Plus, the variety and abundance of bad driving causes my blood pressure to rise uncontrollably. (I started to say, “drives me to drink” but we all know that just breathing does that.) But on those rare occasions when I have ventured out, I’ve noticed two particularly annoying manoeuvres that have me flummoxed.

First is blocking the box. How fucking complicated is it to be aware that you are, essentially, parked in the intersection. It’s not just people getting stopped short. I see people creep into the box when there is absolutely ZERO movement on the other side. There’s nowhere for them to go. Except directly in front me. Keeping me from getting to where I need to go. They always seem so sheepish, or else they do the “no peripheral vision/stiff neck” thing. You know, like they can’t see you, or they’re so focused on the car ahead of them. Which still hasn’t moved. Nor have I. It’s a win-win, right? ‘tards.

My other great disdain is for the converse of this situation: the driver who decides to stop traffic to let you turn, even though traffic is moving and he’s only blocking one lane so it’s not like you could actually get across the street without having an accident and now there’s a whole row of people who think YOU are the asshole for not taking advantage of the guy’s largesse thereby allowing them to GET ON WITH THEIR JOURNEY. Whew.

Hard to imagine that this many stupid people could produce offspring smart enough to get into Big U. I can’t wait to see how good the kids are behind the wheel. More joy to come.


hokgardner said...

I had to venture forth into campus today to go to The Boy's preschool, and I had forgotten that lots of new freshpeople had taken up residence. I nearly wiped out a dozen skinny chicks wearing running shorts, flip flops, and sunglasses bigger than their faces at one intersection alone. Turns out you can get accepted to Biggerthan U without having to know what a Don't Walk sign means.

drax said...

Hey, I resemble that remark! Just remember that you (and your dad)were once one of those 'tards. And you choose to still live there ... I'm just jealous and of course hoping that in a few years my boy will follow in our footsteps to the Biggerthan U