Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Dressing for (Cosmopolitan) Success

I’m not much of an online or mail-order shopper. I’m more tactile and want to actually see and feel the things I’m considering buying, rather than just looking at a professionally lighted and retouched photograph. This is especially true when it comes to clothing. Thus, I don’t make many mail-order lists. Not a large pile of catalogs here at Casa O’Pine.

Yesterday, I received a men’s clothing catalog. And the cover caught my eye and forced me into the book. Not because I was smitten with the clothes or even the model, but because the whole thing had me saying, WTF? Is this a practical joke?

I’m still not entirely sure some hipper-than-thou entity isn’t having a go.

The catalog is dedicated solely to the work of one designer, a Swiss man named Edo Popken. Sounds like a joke already, right? Popken’s tagline: Cosmopolitan Successwear.

(stifled snicker/snort. Not so stifled snicker. Bwah-ha-ha!)

Seriously? Did someone who was not a native English speaker translate this, or write this? What the fuck does it mean?

There’s a reasonably handsome man on the cover, wearing a cheap denim-ish blazer with a cheap looking, gold threaded crest on the pocket. No wait, it’s too shiny for denim. It looks like a synthetic wool now. Still cheap. Our Cosmolitan Success is sitting in the dining room of a hotel, one of those small touristy European joints. The kind you get on a package deal. He has a tulip glass in front of him filled with what appears to be the combined leftovers of his pilsner and his dates’ white zinfandel (aren't you going to finish that?). There are some random peanuts in a white Styrofoam bowl near his hand.

As you flip through this mess/waste of paper, it is always the same model. But wait, there’s a picture of Popken himself. It’s an awfully small photo. He’s wearing hipster glasses and . . . hold on a minute . . . could it possibly be? I think Popken is his own model!!!! I’m not positive. Although I’m thinking of drawing some hipster glasses on one of the larger photos to see of that confirms it. At the very least, he has some serious narcissism going on in his model selection.

As I thumbed through, I was completely shocked and appalled. This shit is cheap, cheap, cheap looking. It’s shiny. It’s garish. It’s ugly. And he’s created his own logo/crest (which is writ LARGE on his garments) that involves stylized lion holding a giant sans-serif E. I think it stands for “ewwww.”

Man, who did I piss off to get put on this list?


hokgardner said...

I'll confess. It were me.

O'Pine said...

You mean, you had this sent to me? Or I pissed you off?