Trading Up

“Life’s Short. Get a Divorce.” That’s the theme of a new billboard campaign by a law firm specializing in, you got it, D-I-V-O-R-C-E. The latest billboard on a downtown Chicago building apparently rubbed some folks the wrong way, including a Chicago Alderman. Neighbors of the billboard have complained, and some divorce attorneys have even taken issue with the phrasing, saying that it puts their profession in a bad light. Yeah, like you needed any help with that.

The Alderman felt the billboard was up illegally and had it ripped down. "It has nothing to do with content or anything else. They did not have a permit and they were ordered to take it down," said Alderman Burton Natarus (even his name screams “You kids get off of my lawn,” doesn’t it?). The lawyers who were doing the advertising had the expected overreaction to the Alderman’s overreaction. "They ripped our billboard down without due process. We own that art. I feel violated." Hmmm. Doesn’t that usually involve a digit?

The billboards feature buff, scantily clad folk, apparently suggesting that . . . well . . . you could do better than the flabby, snoring, routine-bound mate you HAD planned to spend the rest of your life with. Now having spent years in the advertising industry, I LOVE this billboard. It cracks me up. But I gotta tell ya, that’s some false advertising.

The only way you’re going to hook up with one of those people on the billboard is if you LOOK like one of those people on the billboard. Those people don’t go to the gym 9 times a day to marry someone who looks like they’re halfway between the Krispy-Kreme and the Wal-Mart.

Not to mention the almost pathological insecurity that seems to go hand-in-hand with the pursuit of buffness. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard some muscle queen who looked like he belonged in an Altoids ad whine about the size of his biceps. (Seriously, that’s some great theater right there. If you don’t have anything to do for happy hour one day, buy a sports drink and a day pass to a gym near you. Park yourself on a bicycle near the free weights, pedal slowly and enjoy the eavesdropping!)

Apparently, though, the billboard was doing its job. The phones were ringing off the hook.

And they say gay marriage is a threat to the institution.