Never, Never, Never, Never Bake a Baby

Watch out y’all! The Devil’s back in action. And, of course, it’s happening right here in the Lone Star State. In a Galveston motel this week (boy, you know it ain’t good when it starts with “in a Galveston motel . . .”), 19 year-old Joshua Royce Mauldin popped his two-month old daughter in the microwave for 10-20 seconds, burning her severely.

He said that he put his daughter in the microwave because he was stressed out. WHO KNEW that zapping babies in the microwave was a stress reliever? I usually rely on tequila and xanax (you can crush the xanax and rub it on the rim of the shot glass—YUM!)

But his wife, Eva Marie, blames the debbil, not her stupid motherfucker of a husband. (See what I mean about the “Galveston motel”?!?!?) Apparently, Mr. Mauldin is an aspiring PREACHER. (Go “Teens for Jesus!”) And from Mrs. Mauldin’s perspective, a pretty damn good one.

Eva Marie told KHOU-TV, "Satan saw my husband as a threat."

Bless her ignorant little heart. And I swear I didn’t make that quote up.

But okay, lady, let’s just live in your world for a second. You think that Satan is getting so shook up by a 19-year old BOY in a Galveston motel that he commanded him to microwave your baby, and even gave him COOKING TIMES? Did anyone smell Sudafed and drain cleaner in that motel room?

She probably thinks Jesus is going to come do the dishes? Un-fucking-believable!

She went on to say, “He would never do anything to hurt her. He loves her”. Except for that little burning-in-the-microwave episode. I guess nothin’ says lovin’ like a microwave oven.

When people drop quotes like that, I’m reminded of the exchange between Wallace Shawn’s and Mandy Patinkin’s characters in The Princess Bride. Shawn repeatedly says it’s “inconceivable” that the pirate ship is gaining on them. Watching the ship draw close, Patinkin says, “You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.”