Um . . . World Peace?

Who knew beauty queens were such a bunch of vicious, conniving, back-stabbing hussies?!?!?

Okay, I knew.

But that’s because I have watched every Miss Texas and Miss America pageant since I was in diapers. I used to fake crying while holding a bunch of imaginary roses, walking around my playpen waving at my adoring, cheering fans, occasionally pausing to balance my imaginary crown, which was beginning to list, due to my baby fine hair, ya know. (So can someone explain to me how my coming out years later caught people off guard?)

But I still wasn’t prepared for those Miss Universe contestants. Their foreign-ness always threw me off. Might they actually be genuine? Might they be as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside? I mean, they seem more . . . what’s the word? . . . WORLDLY than Miss Lake O’The Pines or Miss Haltom-Richland Area.

But apparently, being Miss Puerto Rico is some dangerous shit. CNN is reporting today that Ingrid Marie Rivera not only survived the catty comments and bitchy backstabbing, but spiked makeup and gowns coated in pepper spray, to become Puerto Rico’s representative to Miss Universe 2008.

And did I mention that she’s allergic to pepper spray? So every time she touched up her makeup (i.e. every fucking five seconds) or changed a gown (these girls are in and out of clothes more often than a crack whore) SHE BROKE OUT IN HIVES!!!!

Apparently, she’d be backstage packing on the ice bags to reduce the swelling, hurling epithets in Spanish at the other contestants. But she never lost her smile.

No, she persevered. And she won. Proving once and for all that, darn it, if you just use a little sticktuitiveness, you an achieve anything. She was the Puerto Rican Beauty Queen Who Could.

And I, for one, have already set my Tivo for the Lifetime movie.